Relationship trouble...seeking advice

first78

Earlier this week my wife of nearly 18 years (same sex couple), said she hasn't felt any romantic feelings towards me in about 2 years. During that time I can count on one hand the number of times we've had sex.

In 2013 we had IVF and had a daughter, then we had another child in 2015; we both work full time and have no real support network around who can help out with babysitting so it feels like life is constantly busy. We spend our evenings watching tv once the kids are in bed and go to bed early ourselves because the kids are up before 5am.

We don't argue and we are trying to talk things throughout and find a way of spending more time together as a couple. I just wondered if anyone has been through anything similar, is it possible to work through this when her feelings have altered for so long, has relationship counselling helped anyone in a similar situation?

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

ripplyuk

When you say she has no romantic feelings, do you mean she doesn't want sex? If so, it's probably just because she's exhausted. With full time jobs, two young kids and no breaks or support, I'm sure you both are. Could you hire a babysitter?

Or do you mean she doesn't feel she loves you?

hazyjo

Do you think you are maybe just friends? Friendship is important in a relationship obviously, but I left my last husband because I didn't want to be 'in a friendship' for the rest of my life.


Do you think there's any chance something might have happened with her and someone else two years ago?


Are you both still quite affectionate? Do you both say 'I love you'?


Jx

Fosterdog

Having children can and does change most relationships, you didn't say but which one of you had the children? One each or one of you had both?

I can imagine how exhausted you both are with working full time and raising two children under four, you must be like zombies around the house by the time everyone is fed, bathed and tucked into bed and that's without the little ones possibly waking up through the night.

first78

ripplyuk wrote: »

When you say she has no romantic feelings, do you mean she doesn't want sex? If so, it's probably just because she's exhausted. With full time jobs, two young kids and no breaks or support, I'm sure you both are. Could you hire a babysitter?

Or do you mean she doesn't feel she loves you?

She has said she still cares for me but doesn't feel the spark that there used to be between us. I don't remember the last time we had sex. We are both exhausted and busy and haven't made time for us and money is really tight so we'd struggle to pay for a babysitter. I just feel totally heartbroken because my feelings haven't changed.

first78

hazyjo wrote: »

Do you think you are maybe just friends? Friendship is important in a relationship obviously, but I left my last husband because I didn't want to be 'in a friendship' for the rest of my life.


Do you think there's any chance something might have happened with her and someone else two years ago?


Are you both still quite affectionate? Do you both say 'I love you'?


Jx

It feels like friendship; I cried my heart out when she said she thought we were over because her feelings had changed and she is genuinely upset that she's hurt me and gave me a cuddle.

Yesterday we spent time talking about whether there was any way to spend some time together without the kids (an overnight break isn't an option as our youngest is breastfeeding). We went for a walk and held hands...I tell her I love her and she was saying it back but when I asked her if she meant it she couldn't say yes so I asked her not to say it if she doesn't mean it.

I can hand on heart say I trust her 100% and believe her when she says there isn't anyone else.

I understand what you mean about not wanting to be in a friendship for the rest of your life, but I can't bear the thought of us breaking up. I'm almost 40 and have a woman I love, two amazing daughters and we wanted to move to a decent house in a year or two where the kids will have a garden and can grow up in a nicer area...I don't want to lose all that.

first78

Fosterdog wrote: »

Having children can and does change most relationships, you didn't say but which one of you had the children? One each or one of you had both?

I can imagine how exhausted you both are with working full time and raising two children under four, you must be like zombies around the house by the time everyone is fed, bathed and tucked into bed and that's without the little ones possibly waking up through the night.

My wife carried both children...the first pregnancy was a twin pregnancy and one twin was stillborn. It's been an incredibly hard 3 years for us and the pace feels relentless. I don't know how to make things better and all I want is to get our relationship back on track somehow.

ripplyuk

When "she said she thought we were over", does she want to break up, or is she wanting to work at it still?

The spark does tend to fade when people are worn out. If she still cares about you and wants it to work, then I would try to find any possible way to afford a babysitter occasionally. Just one evening a month could make a real difference to you both. Counselling is a good idea either way. Of course, that costs money too, in most cases.

The whole situation is a very common tale OP. Having kids, the stress of work, lack of time etc. It all takes a toll, and it can get to a point of being unsustainable. Have you no family or friends who could help at all? It sounds very hard for you both.

Fosterdog

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your child, a friend has recently been through the same with twins and she is a a mess between feeling so happy and so in love with her daughter but also grieving and feeling guilty about the child she lost, this wasn't her first child, you've had the joy of the birth of your first child, not taken away completely but certainly changed from what it should have been. I can't even begin to imagine what you have both been through.

I know it must be incredibly hard for both of you but her body has also been through so much and still is if she still breasfeeds your youngest. It's really not uncommon for relationships to go through a rocky patch so soon after children but you have the extra heartache to go with it.

Have you sat down and properly talked things through? How you are both coping? Areas you feel neglected by each other (which is bound to happen to a certain extent) what each of you needs to get back on track? Do you equally share housework or does one of you do more than the other? What's about caring for the children? Equal or one more than the other? How does she feel about the changes to her body? That is one of the biggest things for a woman to get though after giving birth.

Although you can't afford a babysitter could you maybe do a childcare swap with someone? They look after yours for you to get a bit of a break and some couple time and you look after theirs for them to do the same. Do you have family and friends around who can support you?

I think counselling may be a good idea considering what you've both been through already. I really do feel for you in this situation but your wife is probably going through more emotionally, some because of hormones and some because as much as it is not her fault she will be carrying guilt and feeling like it is her fault and that she let your other baby down and probably feels that she let you down too. I'm not saying you make her feel that or even believe it was her fault and blame her but she probably carries that with her.

first78

ripplyuk wrote: »

When "she said she thought we were over", does she want to break up, or is she wanting to work at it still?

The spark does tend to fade when people are worn out. If she still cares about you and wants it to work, then I would try to find any possible way to afford a babysitter occasionally. Just one evening a month could make a real difference to you both. Counselling is a good idea either way. Of course, that costs money too, in most cases.

The whole situation is a very common tale OP. Having kids, the stress of work, lack of time etc. It all takes a toll, and it can get to a point of being unsustainable. Have you no family or friends who could help at all? It sounds very hard for you both.

I think I said something like 'are we over then' and she said 'I think so'. I begged her not to write off 18 years together and said I'd do anything and that I wanted to try and fix our relationship...spend time together, have counselling...anything.

We have my father in law, he can just about manage the kids for an hour or two, but he doesn't play or interact much with them so they get bored very quickly and play up. I don't have any friends close by, I've been too busy with everything else to build any sort of social life for myself and my wife is pretty similar.

first78

Fosterdog wrote: »

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your child, a friend has recently been through the same with twins and she is a a mess between feeling so happy and so in love with her daughter but also grieving and feeling guilty about the child she lost, this wasn't her first child, you've had the joy of the birth of your first child, not taken away completely but certainly changed from what it should have been. I can't even begin to imagine what you have both been through.

I know it must be incredibly hard for both of you but her body has also been through so much and still is if she still breasfeeds your youngest. It's really not uncommon for relationships to go through a rocky patch so soon after children but you have the extra heartache to go with it.

Have you sat down and properly talked things through? How you are both coping? Areas you feel neglected by each other (which is bound to happen to a certain extent) what each of you needs to get back on track? Do you equally share housework or does one of you do more than the other? What's about caring for the children? Equal or one more than the other? How does she feel about the changes to her body? That is one of the biggest things for a woman to get though after giving birth.

Although you can't afford a babysitter could you maybe do a childcare swap with someone? They look after yours for you to get a bit of a break and some couple time and you look after theirs for them to do the same. Do you have family and friends around who can support you?

I think counselling may be a good idea considering what you've both been through already. I really do feel for you in this situation but your wife is probably going through more emotionally, some because of hormones and some because as much as it is not her fault she will be carrying guilt and feeling like it is her fault and that she let your other baby down and probably feels that she let you down too. I'm not saying you make her feel that or even believe it was her fault and blame her but she probably carries that with her.

Thanks so much for your post...I think everything you have said is pretty spot on. My heart goes out to your friend...losing one of our twins and only finding that out on the day they were born was more emotions in one day than anyone should have to bear, even now on our daughter's birthday we spend time thinking of the baby we never got to bring home who should be sharing her special day.

We have talked through the loss of our child and I have reassured my wife so many times that there was no way she could have predicted or changed what happened with the loss of our baby...it is one of those sad things that happens that no one could have stopped. I have also told her repeatedly how beautiful she is in every possible way.

We occasionally have looked after a friend's child in exchange for the favour being returned...we are doing this for 2-3 hours tomorrow night so we can go out for a meal and chat. However this friend is due to have a second baby in 2 months so we don't feel it's fair to ask her to look after our kids when she's tired and pregnant and busy herself. As I said in reply to someone else, we have my father in law but he is not great with the kids and struggles to know what to do with them so we never feel we can leave him for more than a couple of hours.

I will do anything to make things better and I'm constantly afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing in case I make this horrible situation worse.