I don't think it gets much worse than this. Feel totally beaten

anna_1977

my only comment would be the same as allthe7s - why have £350 on entertainment? what on earth do you do to spend that much!

I think i'd reduce that to something like £150 and then throw the extra £200 on the debts . i know you earn loads so can afford that but it seems like a waste

Good luck

worriedDan

Hi,

Been quiet for a couple of days. I have spent more time swapping balances etc and have now got my total monthly interest down to £98. Really pleased about this.

A couple of days ago, during yet another money related conversation with my wife she mentioned some money that her family had saved for her since she was a child. She has told me about this money before. The plan was that it would be a pension top up for her. There was never any intention to withdraw or spend it and to be honest, in recent years we have forgotten all about it. It is invested via her parents so we don't see statements etc. She checked how much there was........ £12.5K !!!!


We also discovered £289 in an old ISA ( I know how terrible this sounds but this is how disorganised we have been with our money)

This means that on paper we have just under 13K available to us. It would be very difficult for us to ask her parents to give us the 12.5K without full disclosure of our situation. The money is in an investment ISA and we have decided to not take it now, but to leave it where it is, safe in the knowledge that we could get at it should the S*** seriously hit the fan ( job loss, illness etc). The fact that almost all of our debt is 0% is also a factor in deciding to keep it where it is for now.

We are still going to save our 1K emergency fund starting from this payday. This will allow us to buy new tyres for the car, fix the boiler etc, without having to rely on credit.

It sounds ridiculous but the Psychology of knowing that we have 13K makes me feel SO much better. £55K debt - 13K = 42K debt. Still a terrible figure but one that I can deal with slightly more!! Not everyone will agree with my thinking but it makes me feel better!!

This means if we are able to pay off £1750 a month for the next year, we will have paid off £21,000. Factor in the 13K and it brings the net debt figure down to £21,000 and a net figure of 10K ish by Summer 2018!!!

This mindset will get me through the next couple of years. Sorry If I sound like a raving lunatic but feeling so much better and in control.

jan875

Glad you are feeling better. I have been reading your posts and I can tell that you are more positive just from reading.

I think it's fine to 'knock' the 13k off your debt figure, especially as it's 0% debt. In theory you could pay off 13K tomorrow. Not many of us on here have that luxury!

worriedDan

jan875 wrote: »

Glad you are feeling better. I have been reading your posts and I can tell that you are more positive just from reading.

I think it's fine to 'knock' the 13k off your debt figure, especially as it's 0% debt. In theory you could pay off 13K tomorrow. Not many of us on here have that luxury!

Thanks Jan

warby68

Hi Dan

I think you're going through a massive case of buyer's remorse and unfortunately can't take anything back for a refund! I suspect thinking about your son and the future has made you 'grow up' another stage. Its hit you in one fell swoop and you feel ashamed at your earlier, slightly reckless self. That's why the total debt number is so hard to admit to, a bit like disclosing your actual weight when realising you seriously need to diet. And that's why your rationalising it down and doing sums in your head to make it 'feel' better.

You're probably also a bit scared that you will fail in dealing with it now you see the debt for what it is.

Others say don't beat yourself up and look to the future, nothing to be ashamed of, we've all done it etc etc but actually, I think a bit of pain and self analysis is good as its more likely to make for a long term change of mindset.

Just don't take it too far. You are good providers and can live a good life while still dealing with a massive amount of debt over the life of an average 2nd hand car loan. THEN look at what you will have 'spare' and available to choose what to do with, for your child and your future.

Because you have such scope in your budget I wouldn't advocate a 'to the bone' hatchet job on spending which might just make you miserable and go on a binge, a bit like see-saw dieting to continue the analogy. You might feel you should to 'punish' yourself for what's gone before. Just set a realistic budget and get used to sticking to it, planning ahead and having a darn good think before you commit to purchases.

And get back in your pension ASAP

elegant_elephant

Good luck on your journey, hopefully it will be a short one:)

*Subscribing*

worriedDan

Morning everyone,

So last night my wife asked me what was wrong. She has noticed that I have been looking stressed and preoccupied over the last couple of weeks. I totally broke down and told her how awful I felt about the debt and my inability to manage our money properly.

She was wonderful and reassuring. One of my fears was that she would leave me if she knew how bad our debts were. I now know that this is totally not the case.

I was open with her about how I find it difficult to share the total figure with her, that it makes me feel physically ill and shaky. She told me to stop thinking about the bottom line and to focus on the repayment plan that she knows I have put in place. at one point I started talking about balances and she stopped me and said " lets not talk numbers - it stresses you out and I don't need to know". We discussed this as being a 3 year journey and I told her that we need to pay off around 10K every 6 months. I am sure she has done the calculations!

She is totally on board with the budget and talked about additional ways of cutting costs etc. We have agreed that we will just get on with it now and not keep having stressy conversations. I have told her that I will keep her updated along the way, but that we will definitely sit down again this time next year and look at the progress that we have made.

I am not naive enough to think that this is the end of the debt stress, but I certainly feel more open and secure about it all.

sentientpoet

I remember the huge weight that was lifted from my shoulders when I offered full disclosure to my ex-wife (at that point, we had not been going out long) about the true scale of my debt situation. She too was overwhelmingly supportive and although we kept our finances completely separate there was never an awkward conversation and no need to hide anything from that point on. It made such a difference in my own journey.

It always amazes me how supportive people can prove to be when we finally break something to them after fearing the worst for their reaction. It has happened in several aspects of my life with several different people – family, friends and co-workers – and has certainly helped me push on through the hard times with optimism rather than pessimism. It taught me never to underestimate others and never to assume that I was in anything alone.

Good luck in your journey - learn from the past but don't cling to it. You'll be debt free and loving it before you know it

trailingspouse

Have just sat and read the whole of this thread. Well done for 'fessing up to your wife. As someone else said, we women don't need as much protection as you guys have been led to believe. It's not fair to keep one partner in the dark and besides, they might be able to help (they certainly can't help if they don't know!!).

Regarding the £350 on entertainment. It does seem rather a lot over the space of a month - I would be very interested to know what it goes on. Here are a few cheap-but-fun things that might help -

- sofa dates. Myself and OH started to do this when his shift pattern meant he wasn't around on traditional 'going out' nights. You switch off the TV, sit on the sofa, pour a glass of wine, and talk to each other. Enjoying each other's company is free.
- make watching a movie at home into an event. Spend time choosing the one you really want to see, turn the lights down low, have popcorn. This could be a kid's movie with your son, or something more grown-up later in the evening...
- cook a fancy meal together. Set the table, change your clothes (you don't have to get totally dressed up, just don't wear the jeans you washed the car in). It will be a fraction of the cost of a meal out.

Personally I wouldn't be able to enjoy an expensive evening out if I had debts that I was worried about - so I would get more 'enjoyment' out of using that money to pay off the debt.

worriedDan

Had a decent day today after a crappy start. Felt dreadful at work this morning and one of my colleagues and close friends pulled me to one side, concerned that I was unwell. It all came flooding out. She was great and told me about a close family member of hers who has hidden almost 70k of bad debt from her husband. She was in huge arrears etc. Made me feel a bit better. My friend also told me that she and her husband have about 40k owing in loans. This really shocked me as I thought that I was definitely the only one in my workplace with such a high debt level.

I told her about my plans to pay it off. She couldn't really see the big deal as we can afford to pay it off relatively quickly without having to do anything too drastic. I think that I have catastrophised the whole thing, thinking that 55k of debt is going to be the worst thing that anyone has ever heard. It seems that there many others just like me. I am not special.