Going trough a divorce, please help

bbarroso

Some of you may be familiar with my situation from a previous post.

Essentially I found out my partner was having an affair, just before a work proposal to go overseas for one year, as part of my UK employment. She tried to hide it and negate is as far as she could, but in the end the evidence was there. This was involuntary for me, she really wanted this other guy and all of a sudden I have been accused of anything imaginable as to why I was such a bad husband/father.

Its now nearly 6 months down the line. I have been helping along paying some of her debts and sending money for my daughter. We separated bills and each is paying is share.

This is where it gets tricky. We were married overseas, before we came to live in the UK. Recently she started asking for more and more money and I figured out when I visit my daughter by Christmas that in the period she ramped up to about 7K in debts. She also left a part time job, so she now works only 32H.

My daughter told me this other guy had given up his job to go and live with them. The problem is the guy never had a proper job or money, Part of her debt she got into was to pay his stuff, travel, presents, etc.

So I gathered the pieces and got advise on the following:

As she's earning about 16K, she could very well ask for legal support and knock me out as basically I will have to pay a lawyer to defend me while she can essentially get it for free.

Courts don't take into consideration cases of misconduct such as affairs, bad behavior, etc.

The fact I left the house to work can be seen as me leaving the family and just for that she can file a divorce. My belongings are there, but I cant live there (had to stay in a hotel over Christmas), because while I have a legal right to do so, this other guy lives there now.

I run the risk to not only have to pay child maintenance but also spouse maintenance if she goes down: And once she knows she can have up to 50% of my wages, tax free, why work?Essentially she gets to keep her daughter, the lover and the money as long as they don't marry.

Can someone help me here and clarify some of the points or what actions I should take at this stage?

FBaby

Only action is to get a good lawyer unfortunately. Yes, it will be potentially costly, but you now need to look at it from the wider picture of your future. If she gets legal advice for free (which I very much doubt she will do), then it's nothing to do anymore. You're in it for yourself, to make sure that you get out of the marriage in a fair position.

Start with considering what you believe to be a fair settlement, and go from there.

TBagpuss

OK, spousal maintenace is uncommon these ays, and where it is granted it is generallyfor a short term period to allow the recipient to trabnsition to becoming indepenent. Spousal maintenace would normnally end when the party getting it remarries or cohabits, so if she is already living wih a new partner then it would be extremely unlikely that you would be asked to pay maintenance for her as opposed to for your child.

Legal aid as been abolished for most family caes so unless there are issues of domestic abuse she won't get help with her legal costs.

Even if you were required to pay meaintenace this would not be as high as half your income. Although each case is considered on its own merits, a court would have to look at your finacial neds as well as hers, to ensure that any maintenance was affordable, taking into account your needs, they would also take into account her own income. the highest maintenace I have ever come across was an amount which resulted in the wife having 40% of the total combined income. So he was only paying around 15% of his income.

I suggest that you go to see a solicitor. t can help them to advise you if you havea rough dea of things such as :
- your current income
- her curent income, both earned and any benefits
- the value of the hosue and the amiunt left on the mortgage
- any other assetssuch as pensions or savigns
- any debts built up during the marriage.

debt she has built up since separation would not necessarily be taken into account, it would depend on how the money was built up.

If she has a new partner, it is reasonable to assume that she will only be paying 50% of any bills and other outgoings, as it is reasonable for her new partner to contribute, and a court is entitled to take into account that person's earning capcity as well as their curent earnings, so if there is no disability or other valid eason why her partner should not work, a court is entitled to look at the figures on the assumption that he will work and will contribute.

jamiehelsinki

How old is your daughter?

I would personally only pay the minimum in child support to her that the csa calculator suggests, I started off paying more to my ex but it got me no where, the more you try to help the more they try to take from you.

bbarroso

Thank you all for your help. My daughter is 6.

It’s good to know she will have to fight for legal help on the same terms as me. That brings some relief, but it won’t be until I have a settled divorce with the terms well set and arrangements for our princess that I will be able to sleep.
I’m afraid it’s not as easy as they being ‘legally’ cohabiting, things are never straightforward and proving them is a problem. People lie… Her debits are mainly credit cards and the house is rented, so hopefully that won’t be a problem.

It’s hard to say on a fair settlement is because ideally I want to keep the child. I took the burden to study and work on my career for many years to be able to better support her on various aspects of life that I wasn't. I would never ask for money to keep my own child, that would be both ‘keeping’ and ‘eating’ the cake...

I’m currently abroad, so what should be my first point of contact regarding a solicitor I could trust?

copperclock

bbarroso wrote: »

Thank you all for your help. My daughter is 6.

It’s good to know she will have to fight for legal help on the same terms as me. That brings some relief, but it won’t be until I have a settled divorce with the terms well set and arrangements for our princess that I will be able to sleep.
I’m afraid it’s not as easy as they being ‘legally’ cohabiting, things are never straightforward and proving them is a problem. People lie… Her debits are mainly credit cards and the house is rented, so hopefully that won’t be a problem.

It’s hard to say on a fair settlement is because ideally I want to keep the child. I took the burden to study and work on my career for many years to be able to better support her on various aspects of life that I wasn't. I would never ask for money to keep my own child, that would be both ‘keeping’ and ‘eating’ the cake...

I’m currently abroad, so what should be my first point of contact regarding a solicitor I could trust?

Your daughter isn't 'cake'. She's a human being who needs, for the foreseeable future, to be provided with emotional and financial care. Since you and your ex are equally responsible for bringing her into the world, that means that you both have a financial responsibility for her. Whichever one of you she ends up living with will need to be given money from the other to help towards the cost of her living.

Why do you want to go for custody/residency of your daughter? Is she unsafe/unhappy where she is?

Angry_Bear

copperclock wrote: »

Why do you want to go for custody/residency of your daughter? Is she unsafe/unhappy where she is?

This strikes me as a bizarre question that you would never ask the mother! He is her father and loves her so of course he would like custody. If he considers that she may be better off with him (regardless of whether she is "unhappy" or "unsafe") then that is a good enough reason for him to believe he should have custody.

From the post above, it sounds like he does believe his home would provide a better environment to raise his daughter in.

bbarroso

copperclock wrote: »

Why do you want to go for custody/residency of your daughter? Is she unsafe/unhappy where she is?

I understand your question can go both ways, as Angry Bear pointed.

I want to keep custody of my daughter because I seldom get to see her and I don’t think as a ‘couple’ we’re managing to reach an amicable solution in regards to marriage and custody, and to an extent I would be happy with shared custody, which at the moment I don’t have.
Ideally I would love to have an agreement where we could both see our princess growing in a safe environment and each of us would contribute towards her based on her needs and I’m not satisfioed doing so on a monetary basis because I don’t think her mother is managing her finances well. I’m currently paying my share of the house and bills, even though not living there and it makes me very sad to know she’s using the same roof to bring another man, when we agreed we would keep things pending until my return. Given such I don’t think it is reasonable for her to demand any more payments and I’m very certain the court will agree with me given the evidence.

I’m sure all these laws were created with the child’s best interests in mind, but as we all know things sometimes fall short of ideal.

copperclock

Angry_Bear wrote: »

This strikes me as a bizarre question that you would never ask the mother! He is her father and loves her so of course he would like custody. If he considers that she may be better off with him (regardless of whether she is "unhappy" or "unsafe") then that is a good enough reason for him to believe he should have custody.

From the post above, it sounds like he does believe his home would provide a better environment to raise his daughter in.

I'd ask it of any parent who wanted to take the child away from their home/the status quo.

copperclock

bbarroso wrote: »

I understand your question can go both ways, as Angry Bear pointed.

I want to keep custody of my daughter because I seldom get to see her and I don’t think as a ‘couple’ we’re managing to reach an amicable solution in regards to marriage and custody, and to an extent I would be happy with shared custody, which at the moment I don’t have.
Ideally I would love to have an agreement where we could both see our princess growing in a safe environment and each of us would contribute towards her based on her needs and I’m not satisfioed doing so on a monetary basis because I don’t think her mother is managing her finances well. I’m currently paying my share of the house and bills, even though not living there and it makes me very sad to know she’s using the same roof to bring another man, when we agreed we would keep things pending until my return. Given such I don’t think it is reasonable for her to demand any more payments and I’m very certain the court will agree with me given the evidence.

I’m sure all these laws were created with the child’s best interests in mind, but as we all know things sometimes fall short of ideal.

Hopefully you'll be able to come up with a suitable solution between you all.

Try not to worry about the other man. Ultimately, the best you can hope for, is that your daughter has a set of parents and step parents who put her interests first.

Angry_Bear

copperclock wrote: »

I'd ask it of any parent who wanted to take the child away from their home/the status quo.

But they're currently going through a divorce and it's only been 6 months! The notion of "home/the status quo" hasn't been established yet and if he doesn't try to get custody now it will be established as his child living with her mother by default. Now is exactly the time to change that if it's the right thing to do.