ex and child support and holidays

proffLucy

Hi, this is a complicated thing and Im at my wits end and feeling bitter and annoyed. would just appreciate any thoughts/advice.

Split up from my ex several years ago. It was complicated and at first he refused to pay any child support because I had left him- for the first year or so he paid very little towards our daughter and only when i threatened him with CSA. Eventually I did get CSA involved but we were supposed to have an agreement between ourselves that he would pay the minimum amount they specified (based on his wage/ number of nights she stayed with him etc) eventually after a year or so he grudgingly did start to transfer money to me and insisted on doing it on a weekly basis even though he gets paid monthly, thats his choice of course, but im sure he was doing it to be awkward. last year he missed a few payments (well 4 in total) he acknowledged he had missed them but wouldnt answer my text messages.

recently he missed another payment and I got fed up and demanded a timescale on when he would catch up. He is in a professional job, gets paid more than me, yet resents paying ANYTHING to me as I think he sees it as me spending "his" money....even though the child support goes on things like bus fares to school and school dinners!

So i threatened him with CSA again then he came back (via text) and said hed been out of work since start of December so the four payments for december were him "catching up" with what he owed me and that from now on until he got another job he would just be paying me a tenner a week.

But in the meantime my daughter tells me he is taking her away on an expensive foreign holiday that hes already booked at easter! I asked how her Dad could afford that if he is unemployed and she said he booked and paid for it ages ago. He never told me. i think my daghter is upset as she feel like piggy in the middle. I dont want her to miss out on a holiday but I dont know what to do. He hasnt actually told me he is taking her away, but from his previous behaviour I know this is porbably true....he never tells me anything until the last minute.... he will get great satisfaction by thinking he was got "one over" on me, while I cant afford a holiday and am struggling to pay for essentials. I get by, and will always put food and school stuff over and above luxuries.

I just dont know what to do without getting really wound up and angry over this.

martinthebandit

Do the CSA thing and do not discuss things about your relationship with your daughters father with your daughter.

copperclock

Can you get a CMS case started? It's my understanding (from reading their website and from on here) that they can go straight to HMRC for his earnings which might help you learn if he is working or not.

pollyanna24

Who paid for her passport? If he hasn't told you he's taking her away, is he sure it's in date?

Aced2016

I would go through CSA only, let them collect the payments etc.

Do not text him, do not phone him, do not make any further arrangements at all with him.

And please please do not discuss one more thing with your daughter !! She's a child and should not have this on her shoulder !! Do not bad mouth him, or run him down. Do not question her, and do not speak about money. If he treats her well that's all that matters, if she is getting the chance ilof a holiday let her. Do not make her feel guilty either, be positive and let her be a happy child !

Moving on stop letting it consume your life. You will get child benefit, tax credits, your wages or income support and housing and ct benefit. So you'll have enough to cover what you and your child needs.

Is it a fair situation, no it rarely is. But hold your head high, and you can be proud you have done it on your own. You'll waste so much time and energy relying and waiting on payments. It's not worth it at all. Move on and move forward from today. My friend was in this exact position, she took my advice and things have never been better for her.

Good luck

FBaby

Maybe he's paid for the holiday with his credit card before he lost his job. I understand you are upset he gets to have a fun time with your DD when you are left wondering how to pay the bills but remember that it is about her and ultimately even if he wasn't taking her on hols it wouldn't mean he would give you any more maintenance.

pinkshoes

To me it just sounds like a man who was paying child support, but has lost his job so can't afford much until he gets another job.

Yeah, that is tough, as you get less money, but if you were together and he lost his job, you would also get less money, so not much different really...

Sh*t happens.

Lots of peoole book and pay for holidays then lose their job. I very much doubt he can cancel and get a refund, so might as well enjoy it. Your daughter will have a fab time.

Your post comes across as somewhat bitter. There is no point being bitter - just get on with life.

Ps - don't put your daughter's dad down in front of her. That is not fair. She is a child and your break up is not her responsibility.

jamiehelsinki

How often does she stay with her dad?

If he's currently receiving job seekers and she stays with him sometimes it might not be payable.

My ex wife is currently on benefits and I was paying child support to her but it got to the point where my daughter was staying with me more than my ex.

When I put the details in the calculator with myself being the main carer and my ex having my daughter 2 nights per week it said she didn't need to pay anything.

Tammykitty

So e pays the going rate as suggested by the CSA (or whatever its now called), and is now out of work, so therefore pays you less


So far - seems reasonable.


I presume you get the Child Benefit (and possibly other child related benefits) - so this along with the Maintenance means you are responsible for the school stuff etc


He booked the holiday when he was in work - so might as well take it, and enjoy it and spending money can be limited to necessities even when on holidays.


You could go the CSA for an assessment, and collection, however they will take an extra 20% (I think) off him, and you will receive 4% less than you already do (assuming the amount he pays is as per their calculations)


Lastly - you should not have asked your daughter how her dad can afford the holiday, she is not responsible for his finances, and she should not be involved in adult discussions about Child support, access etc.

Tammykitty

jamiehelsinki wrote: »

How often does she stay with her dad?

If he's currently receiving job seekers and she stays with him sometimes it might not be payable.

My ex wife is currently on benefits and I was paying child support to her but it got to the point where my daughter was staying with me more than my ex.

When I put the details in the calculator with myself being the main carer and my ex having my daughter 2 nights per week it said she didn't need to pay anything.

Your ex is probably claiming child related benefits that she isn't really entitled too if the child is spending more time with you - and you should be entitled to them

justme111

There is no trust there and I can understand why - if he just misses a payment without even bothering to tell her he is out of work it is not right. Doing it through CSA avoids mistrust,stress and ill feelings, everything is above board then. How is she to know whether he indeed out of work or not? I do not do mine through CSA but if my ex was messing with payments the way op's does I would not have just let it lay.
Another option is him paying for stuff directly, he may find it far more comfortable- school dinners, clothes, activities, bills related to her etc.