Insecurity, paranoia, jealousy

cavework

If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always got
Everyone is made of the same thing , a need to be safe , a need to be comfortable , a need to be challenged and a need to be loved.
The person you have just met is just the same as you ..XXX

ripplyuk

OP, I know you say you can sort this yourself, but if you're still struggling with it despite dating for a couple of years, it would be better to sort these issues out before getting into a relationship.

This girl may well like you, but if she senses any hint of jealousy or paranoia, her feelings could change very quickly.

System

Jealousy and paranoia are not fun things to experience and they will cloud your judgment. You say it possibly relates to past issues/childhood, is there anything that stands out as possibly triggering it? Have you always felt this way? It may be a self confidence thing, comparing yourself to others. My life hasn;t gone the way i planned, an for a ling time i compared myself to others, feeling jealous that they had what i didnt. But now i accept their lives are not mine. Our lives go at a different pace sometimes and that's not a bad thing. You just need to be comfortable in yourself. My bf's past is not an issue to me. Whatever happened, happened. What matters now is who he is now and the future we have together.

catoutthebag

When I say dating a couple of years, I mean I've been single for couple years going on dates.

I guess I wasn't shown too much affection by my dad, and mum used to compare me. I had health issues which I was sometimes bullied more, so sometimes had lost esteem, but came through it and girls say I'm good looking now.

I mean, I don't know anything of her past relationships, so obviously I'm ok for now as long as it stays that way. I don't feel I need to know her past relationships in any detail and Same for me.

I think a silly trigger was : saw her online (briefly?) On the site we met, day after we spent 5 hours getting on so well and then kissing.

I recognise it's ridiculous because we've she's well within her right to check any notification, as am i, as we'd only just met and aren't in any sort of relationship!! I've calmed down a bit, I recognise the triggers and will just try focus on getting to know her.

Ozzuk

That is a bit ridiculous, you can't easily stop yourself thinking that but you're doing the right thing by seeing it as ridiculous - just don't entertain those thoughts and hopefully over time they will diminish.

I met a girl online, on our second date she accused me of still being on POF - that I came up on her meet me list. I did explain that POF randomly pulls profiles for you to see, doesn't mean that I was one there, though not that it would matter if I was. I obviously didn't make a date three - to exhibit that level of craziness on date 2 was a massive red flag...

annandale

She could have been online reading the forum. I agree, sort how you feel out first. Or you'll kill any chance of a good relationship before its started. And to be fair, you must have been online on Pof yourself to see that she was logged in.

catoutthebag

annandale wrote: »

She could have been online reading the forum. I agree, sort how you feel out first. Or you'll kill any chance of a good relationship before its started. And to be fair, you must have been online on Pof yourself to see that she was logged in.

Few points for you.

It wasn't pof. I don't use that site, just because everyone else from here has met on there:rotfl:

I was on the site, not scouring for girls, just to check if she was online.
Yes, ridiculous. Yes, irrational. I was seeing if she really did like me or was keeping options on. I've stopped that silliness now.


Generally to contribute, it's easier said in your position than mine. I've been single 2 years, been on about 30 dates. There's only one other girl I liked in that way. I'm quite picky. Or to put it mildly, know what I like. She's exactly the personality I go for, and people you click with it, don't come up everyday.

I've begun the process of sorting myself out. I had a blip, and hopefully it's ok.

No one is perfect, not you or me. Life's about taking chances and risks. It may work out with her, it may collapse the next time I see her, for another reason.

But I'm not going to give up, just because a flaw reared it's head in a moment of craziness.

Brightonsbest_2

Dear OP

You are not alone. Sadly, there are millions of people like you and me because the deceivers of this world have no limits in shameful behaviour.

Not always, but more often than not, those that have been deceived and kicked other the woman/man that deceived them make the most trustworthy OH's. Even then, you have to be on your toes, EG, love each other, give each other freedom within limits, be flexible, be open, eg tell them where you are going, whom with when you are coming back/etc/etc and you will be ok. Once you have your children, you will feel a lot beet and happier but make sure it's the right OH.

Be more positive, and take things step by step and consult love ones and listen to them


ATB

Bossypants

My sympathies OP, feeling jealous and insecure is no fun at all. I do echo what others have said, though, I really think it would be beneficial for you to work this out in therapy. I know you said you can control it yourself, but based on your posts, you seem to be able to control the behaviours, not the impulses that lead to them. That's a great start, but what you really need to do is get to the root of the impulses and dig them out. Otherwise it will likely always be there, bursting out at unexpected moments and potentially poisoning any the relationships you have.

Failing that, do you have other things that hold your interest in life (hobbies, good friends, etc)? Having something apart from the relationship in front of you can really help you keep things in perspective and remind you that, even if it does go sour, you'll still have good things in your life.

Best of luck!

justme111

catoutthebag wrote: »

Few points for you.




Generally to contribute, it's easier said in your position than mine. I've been single 2 years, been on about 30 dates.

How do you know other poster's position?

.