Insecurity, paranoia, jealousy

catoutthebag

Hi
I normally get into these feelings, when I start a new relationship, and though they cause issues initially, and arguments, they subside and I get my head around it, though sometimes raise their head again.

I don't feel I've dealt with them, and there's a girl I like, and I don't want it to make an appearance.

I know it's childish, immature etc and probably stems from childhood like most things.

Silly stuff: more partners/experience, travelled more, done more, more friends etc

Comparing myself is bad because you end up comparing to lose, negating the fact that you'll have been places, done stuff they haven't etc

I know things like past relationships: I'm not going to ask, at all. It ends up as a virus that corrodes my mind/confidence. I don't know about you guys on this point.

The other points I'll probably try change into a positive perspective and happiness if they've done more, travelled more, etc

Am I just being weird

gabriel1980

I understand the whole past partners thing - I used to kind of fixate on it, stuff they did with previous partners, who broke up with who and so on. But I eventually understood that the relationships they had previously ended for a reason and those experiences will benefit the new relationship with you.

[Deleted User]

Reading your post reads like you feel inadequate compared to your girls experiences.

Dont .

We are all a product of our background experiences but the only thing that defines us is how we deal with them going forward. I am sure you have done a lot of things others havent and you can share those.

As for experience on the partners front I for one wouldnt want someone the whole neighbourhood has had.

At the end of the day you may be uber enchanting and charming far more appreicated by a woman than someone whose a total kn@b but has been to Thailand India etc etc.

catoutthebag

That's true.

I self Sabotage, and it's reared its a head with a girl I really like and who really likes me.

I know it's from childhood stuff but I need to control if better

I'm going for a walk. Need to clear my head.

ripplyuk

catoutthebag wrote: »

Silly stuff: more partners/experience, travelled more, done more, more friends etc

Why do these things matter to you? Do you see a relationship as a competition? Or, are you worried that this girl will?

I don't know anyone who fell in love because of the amount of travelling, or friends the guy had.

I do know plenty who have dumped guys for being paranoid and jealous so you're right to work on this before getting involved.

catoutthebag

ripplyuk wrote: »

Why do these things matter to you? Do you see a relationship as a competition? Or, are you worried that this girl will?

I don't know anyone who fell in love because of the amount of travelling, or friends the guy had.

I do know plenty who have dumped guys for being paranoid and jealous so you're right to work on this before getting involved.

Inferiority, unworthiness, a confident exterior hiding something less confident

cashewnut

Just keep all the crazy in. It'll subside in time

ripplyuk

How about a good book to start with?
https://www.amazon.co.uk/d/cka/How-Raise-Your-Self-esteem-Nathaniel-Branden/0553266462/ref=pd_sim_14_1?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=BXWTGBBSFAYAGVKFKVA2

We all have insecurities of some sort.

Ozzuk

Have you tried a good CBT counselor? I did for a while, helped.

firebird082

I was just about to suggest that this suggests to me that you could do with sorting your own insecurity issues out before you try to form any sort of relationship. I was similar in my twenties, and actually went for a course of CBT which really helped me. I didn't meet my husband straight away afterwards, but when I did meet him, I didn't have any of those nagging issues sitting there ready to mess up our burgeoning relationship. Sort yourself out first.

catoutthebag

I sometimes see a therapist, but it's patient centred. I know I can sort this my self as I have controlled it before. And I can't put this girl on hold as despite having only met, we seemed to really like each other and are meeting next week. The good ones don't come around often, and believe me I've tried the last couple years.
I'm doing some mental exercises starting today/reading around the subject today as I know I can conquer it