Autistic guy at university using his disability to get away with everything

Robisere

I have posted within the forum before about my grandson, who has Aspergers Syndrome, one of the forms of the very broad spectrum that is Autism. Some of the behaviour described concerning this boy here, is familiar to me. However, my grandson demonstrated the worst of that behaviour, only up to his early teens. His mum, then a single parent from when his dad left when he was a toddler, fought to get him diagnosed and awarded DLA. She then, with our help, pushed him and pushed him until he began to blossom, but she never, ever, spoiled him and neither did we. It appears to me, admittedly without knowing the people involved, that this lad may have been cossetted and spoiled at home, which is the greatest mistake any parent of an Autistic child can make. Our gs as a child, was an absolute nightmare. He found primary school a torment, would not mix or socialise with other children, would not play games or join in any group activities. That is classic Autism and is not being awkward, it is a factor of the condition. Only when he found computers, did his intelligence show, and now he is a registered, MENSA-tested genius. At 23 he is an IT networking engineer, part of a high-tech company and the boss's right hand man. He has his own flat and is very content with his own company, keeps the flat spotless, feeds himself well and does much of his work from home.

However, that only happened after a lot of work and a gradual understanding by his family, he is a big part of us all now and to his sister and cousins he is very much part of their lives. He was due to go to University at 18: he had passed so many A* papers that I lost count. I drove him to a Uni Open Day in company with his grandma and mum: the people he is most at home with are all family, he cannot even make eye contact with those he does not know. I was a lone voice saying that Uni would be bad for him, but I have been the father figure in his life and the one he would tell stuff to that he could tell no one else, not even his mum.

I was proved right when we took him to the second Open Day. He asked to stop the car and was sick at the roadside, he was very wound up and anxious about going there and being without people around him that he knew and loved. If you don't know or believe this, it is absolutely true: Aspergers sufferers have a horror of having to talk to strangers, they do not like anything out of the routine. So we brought him back. He finished his College year with a very understanding Tutor, who gave him 1 to 1 tuition and got him through the exams he would have taken at Uni.

That is why I believe I understand what is making this lad behave as he does: if people give in to his demands, he will just get worse, not better. He needs borders, just as my grandson did when he was younger. I think that someone needs to invetsigate his home life, but most of all he needs to be prevented from ruining the educational opportunities of others by his own behaviour. The boyfriend needs to be taken out of the picture altogether, citing disruptive behaviour impacting upon the rest.

theoretica

A couple more things which have not been explicitly stated on here.

Autism will affect how he reacts to things. These 'things' will include having a disability, and adjustments for that disability.

It is really tempting to take the person and people you know already with a named condition, and draw too many conclusions about the condition. People with autism are still individuals with their own personalities and different effects from the condition.

[Deleted User]

Robisere, that is your experience with one person with ASD. In spite of the way you write, what was shown with this person is just a long list of possible symptoms.., then they can appear to varying degrees. Is called Autistic Spectrum of Disorders for a reason, there's a spectrum of symptoms that can appear to varying degrees.

Its not about 'spoiling' a person with ASD, its about 'enabling' them to cope, and finding a strategy that will do this. That means either helping them to get over hurdles they find difficult or avoiding the hurdles. My son has spent 3 years trying to pass a performing arts course. He might have been able to do it with more support from his first college. Now he's changing direction, recognising that there are things that expose his challenges more than others. And he's being allowed (by a new college) to finish most of his course via home working. Then, when he goes to uni (if he does), he'll change direction slightly and do a different subject.

And I'm sorry, but the OP .. oh dear, so young and so judgmental, with no idea what is needed. But he shouldn't be put in this situation. I do agree (only hearing one side of the story) that the student probably should be redirected to a different course that doesn't expose so many challenges. His PA may be doing all she can.., but if its not working, he needs a different PA with a different approach. Having had a PA for my son, I can definitely bear witness to the fact that while I am sure there are some good ones around, they aren't always.

And I sit here wondering how dreadful the student feels. With all this misdirected 'help', and masses of nasty judgments going on around him. He hasn't got a chance in hell. This must increase stress and make behaviour issues worse. Yes there are people with ASD that are able to 'cope' but there are also students like this, who have difficulties.

If he stays on the course then the amount of disruption he causes must be minimised. He doesn't take equipment away, the other students can assign someone to book it in and out, to protect themselves. Give him jobs that you know he can do, with positive reinforcement (oh you did so well at this before, we need you to do this).

As to the hygiene issues, my son has a problem bathing (with water). He uses wipes. But this is not for the OP to sort out, this is for the uni and support staff to sort out. And to take one thing at a time to sort out.

I had my son going to a college meeting two days ago.., he needed a bath but on this occasion just couldn't contemplate one (too stressed about the meeting). So he washed his hair and used wipes everywhere else. Meanwhile my ex was reacting as if he should be just dunked in the bath, willing or not. Pick your battles is always a good phrase with someone with ASD.

I get so much further with my son, by praising what he can/has done well and moving him along to the next step. Concentrating only on the failures is guaranteed to not move him on.

C_Mababejive

Apologies,only read the first page.

I dont know anyone who says they are autistic. I am not sure i would even recognise it.

The thing is you see that people with disabilities have protections under the Equality Act and can use this as a lever as and when it suits.

Sometimes the leverage is well intentioned and needed.

My response to the OP is, just get on with your own life. That is the one that matters most. If someone no longer fits with you, then cut them out,simples.

Pollycat

C_Mababejive wrote: »

Apologies,only read the first page.

I dont know anyone who says they are autistic. I am not sure i would even recognise it.

The thing is you see that people with disabilities have protections under the Equality Act and can use this as a lever as and when it suits.

Sometimes the leverage is well intentioned and needed.

My response to the OP is, just get on with your own life. That is the one that matters most. If someone no longer fits with you, then cut them out,simples.

But the OP's life - and future life - is under potential threat because of the input (or lack of input) from his class mate who is also a member of the same group project.

I'm not sure the OP - and the other members of the group project - can simply cut this guy out.
And I don't think it would be fair to do that.
It certainly doesn't sound 'simples' to me.
It might be 'simples' if it was just a case of meeting this guy down the pub but it isn't.

GlasweJen

I'm sorry but university education isn't for everyone. People in all of my degree courses dropped out for various reasons. Just because someone did well at school or college doesn't mean they will automatically cope with university.

If this person is affecting your grade get onto student support services and tell them what is going on. It would be helpful to document in a diary exactly what's causing the delays. Give specific examples and if you're offered another extension explain that you don't want that you want to finish the projects on time so that your next block of coursework has your full attention.

I had to have surgery in the middle of 3rd year in our "essay week" so had extensions for all of my graded work except the group project. For that I was withdrawn and given a different assignment that I could work on alone. The university took the stance that it would be unfair to compromise the groups grades when there was no known date for me to return to classes. This probably won't work in a performance degree but something has to change and nothing will while everyone's got their kid gloves on.

ETA I also had a private room for exams because they saw my seizures as a disturbance to other students and because I have high functioning autism I was allowed to wander around the exam room rather being made to sit at a desk for 3 hours.

Pollycat

Glaswejen
It sounds like your university dealt with any potential issues for both you and your peers in a very good way.

I can't see any reason to think the OP, his classmates and the guy with autism shouldn't have the same consideration and help from their university.

GlasweJen

Pollycat wrote: »

Glaswejen
It sounds like your university dealt with any potential issues for both you and your peers in a very good way.

I can't see any reason to think the OP, his classmates and the guy with autism shouldn't have the same consideration and help from their university.

They did but they refused to allow me to compromise others grades. I had a seizure in an exam room and I was in a private room for my next exam 2 days later. I hated being alone with an invigilator but other students had the right to not be dealing with my seizures when they needed quiet for exam.

If I couldn't complete for whatever reason I had to have a reason "oh but I'm autistic" wasn't enough and I needed medical proof for every deadline extension even though they knew I was seriously ill before I started. My personal tutor told me "your work won't accept that excuse so neither will the university" when I asked to change classes because I was anxious about a lecturing style.

How is hand holding someone through a degree going to help them? Will an employer be impressed that they've turned up late and smelly and without the right kit?

Better_Days

I have an autistic nephew who is in his mid teens. He is dreadfully spoilt by both his mother and grandmother. There is little in the way of consequences for misbehavior and little in the way of boundaries. Both households revolve around this child to the exclusion of his siblings, and there are continual excuses for behaviour that his sibs would be chastised for.

His social behaviour is deteriorating. They stayed with us recently and I was shocked by his lack of respect for his mother and the level of backchat. Both his mother and grandmother actually encourage this behaviour, thinking it is amusing, and clever, and accept it as 'now he is a teenager'. There appeared to be no appreciation that verbal disrespect can lead to physical disrespect. And I can't see that permitting this level of disrespect will do the child any favours in other spheres of his life, such as school and social/leisure enviroments.

I agree with Robisere

if people give in to his demands, he will just get worse, not better.

and GlasweJen

How is hand holding someone through a degree going to help them? Will an employer be impressed that they've turned up late and smelly and without the right kit?

There have to be consequences for unacceptable behaviour, along with guidance to more acceptable behaviour, otherwise how will the person ever see any point in modifying behaviour? This is not concentrating on failure, but looking to maximizing potential and potential for independence.