Secret debt... How do I tell my Husband

mummytogirls

Oh Nellie I've only just seen your thread, I wish I had seen it before.

I too was hiding debt from my husband and I had to tell him 2 weeks before Christmas :eek:. I kept it from him as I was worried he would divorce me etc. I found it harder and harder trying to keep up with life and having to go along with expensive purchases as otherwise he would know as why couldn't we afford it! He was so sad for me, that id been dealing with it all myself. That night I had the best sleep and he didn't sleep well!

There may well be times over the next couple of months where you have little arguments/disagreements but keep going.

Im so glad you've told him xx

BOBS

Well done on telling him. You will feel so much better and be able to move forward on this.
Big Hugs x

chevalier

So glad that you have told him.

Now you need to do a joint budget that takes account of all of your debts, his, yours and your joint debt. So that all the bills are proportionate both to income and the debt owing. No point in one of you having loads of money when the other struggles to pay off everything.

good luck with moving forward together
chev

brizzledfw

Well done. Be proud and walk forward together xx

ShandeeRaisa

Oh wow your story sounds so familiar to mine! You are definitely not alone. I'm not sure how to start this and I apologize, it will be a bit of a read. But I've got to get it off my chest as well, sitting here with a huge lump in my gut. I literally just finished confessing to my husband about my debt, we are now on separate levels of the house just having time apart.
My lie was that I only owed $17,000.00 but its actually around $24,000.00. I kept lying to myself that I had it under control, It's all on a line of credit and my interest is relatively low, about 8%. But I have a shopping addiction, and with this pandemic right now I'm sitting at home online shopping like a madman. 
Were are also expecting our first child, I have a 5 year old from a previous relationship as well. We got married last year and talked about a baby. We had a deal that we would try for a baby but he was going to pay off the house, as he was pretty close to doing so and start putting money away. And I was to look after and start paying off my $17,000.00 debt. Hes quite a bit older than me and has his own business, so financially hes pretty stable and smart with his money. I on the other hand am the complete opposite, both my parents were terrible with money and also went into bankruptcy. I am sober 3 years now, but have struggled with a drug and alcohol addiction in the past. I believe my spending addiction is directly connected to my other addictions and I just replaced the drugs and alcohol with shopping. That's the first time I've ever written that down and looking at it right now it's pretty eye opening. I've got some soul searching to do and try and understand what void I'm trying to fill.
Hes such a good man and he didn't deserve to be lied to and for me to lose his trust and disappoint him by not holding up my end of the deal is quite painful to think of right now. Hence the lump in my gut. 
I'm due mid June, and it's looking like the quarentine could last until then, my baby shower is not happening and cant go to stores. There was alot of baby stuff we still needed and that was my justification, so I started ordering online the other day. Got everything that we actually DO need for baby, but it didn't stop there of course. I just couldn't stop, I didn't even sleep last night because every half hour I would think of something else that we "needed". This is the worst it's ever been, I had lost complete control. 
We dont have a joint account, which is for the best. I have been keeping my money conversations relatively vague, and I was doing so again tonight. But he was clearly suspicious and asked to see a statement, which was my worst fear. I said no and totally gave myself away that I was clearly hiding something. It was time to finally do it. I was so scared, I'm a coward and hate confrontation to begin with and then when it's something like this and I'm %100 in the wrong was just a terrible feeling.
It was either get it out and be honest with him like he deserves or sit with this terrible guilt and shame, that honestly is probably contributing to my spending problem...
I didn't really beat around the bush I just said what the true total was and that I have a shopping problem. He was obviously not happy, and very disappointed that hes been putting money away for us and our future and here I am wracking up more debt instead of paying it off. Goes to show the denial I was in, to not look at it that way at all and keep telling myself it's under control. This really sucks, but I have no one to blame but myself. I let it get to this point, I chose to lie and not hold up my end of the bargain. I cant imagine what he feels right now exactly. Hes always been honest with me and I've really done him wrong with this. 
I do feel a bit of relief though that I've finally been honest. But the guilt and shame is still pretty strong right now, but I know that will pass with time. I've done the right thing finally. 
I've let him cut my card and I've taken out my card info from my phone, Google and Amazon I think were the only places it was saved. If i try to buy and find it anywhere else I will delete it, secrets keep you sick. I learned that through my recovery programs and I dont want to live that way anymore. I will continue to make payments but will absolutely not be using it anymore. We will be sitting down to make a budget, which I have been avoiding, and going over everything and I need to take more financial responsibility in this relationship. 
Not sure if you have confessed yet NervousNelly, but I strongly suggest doing so, sooner than later. It wont be easy at first but it's the right thing and even though I just started this new journey with my husband, I'm sure that it will make our relationship stronger in the long run. And you will be a better person for it. Wish you all the best! And thanks to whoever takes the time to read and or respond to this

 

ShandeeRaisa

I just saw your post that you did it. Great job! So happy to hear it went well for you