Secret debt... How do I tell my Husband

NerviousNellie

Thanks DD265!

Yeh the overdraft worries me the most - The fact that they could turn around any day and decide they want it back!

Its such a relief knowing that there is a place to go for support - It means a lot, thankyou

mfmaybe

Hi NervousNellie,

Your anxiety really came through on your post, and I wanted to add support. As someone else said, I think your husband already suspects. You do have to tell him, because he needs to be able to support you in cost cutting etc and may be able to help more than you realise. But the support you need from him emotionally is incredibly important too.

I wasn't sure at first about you holding off telling DH, but maybe right before you have a house guest isn't the best time. In the meantime, however, could you use the time to write down every debt you have, interest rates, minimum repayments etc. Then do a SOA and post it on here, to get ideas of where to cut costs. Don't do anything permanent like apply for a 0% card or anything, because it sounds like your husband would be in a better place to advise on that. But if you show him you are taking it seriously and have stopped burying your head in the sand, this will help him support you. They don't call it a lightbulb moment for nothing - and you've had yours. He will understand.

Good luck, you can do this. The amazing people on here can help but, I imagine, so can your husband.

(whoops sorry just saw that DD265 suggested the same thing)
(second edit, sorry. About the wanting a baby. You are young and have time. I would never advise taking fertility for granted (most of my debt came from IVF) but you need to be in a position to have a settled family life, and children are expensive. You might not need to wait until the debt is all paid off, but I would recommend you wait until you are living within your means, and the debt is properly going down)

NerviousNellie

Thanks so much mfmaybe I have all tomorrow free so I am going to sit at the computer log on to all my accounts and write exactly what I owe ready to show him.

I just want to burst and tell him now but I know it's not the right time while his friend is here... I'm trying my best not to act weird around him. Just feel so guilty that he is going to get such awful news and he knows nothing about it it's the not knowing how he is going to react that is scaring me the most. - probobly a stupid question but what's an SOA?

enthusiasticsaver

I am glad you have decided to tell your husband. Clearing debt is not easy and if you are trying to do it without your OH support that will make it much harder.

Getting details of it all and coming up with a plan of how you to clear it is essential. The main thing is you need to get to grips with budgeting and living within your income and it sounds as if you come from a family who never did that. Do a financial plan when you get paid. Put the money aside for debt repayments and bills and a savings pot and then any spending money for everyday spends draw out in cash and get rid of the cards. Treat the overdraft as if it was a credit card and reduce it gradually each month.

An soa is a statement of account so that you put down your expenditure and people will suggest ways of cutting outgoings. A spending diary where you write down everything you spend sounds like it could be useful for you.

If you have a good credit rating still you could see if you would be eligible for a 0% card so that any interest you pay on the debt is minimal.

mfmaybe

Did you tell him yet? How are things going?

chevalier

well done on deciding to tell him. when the dust has settled make sure your finances are fair. is you say you pay for all the food which isn't fair. also your contribution to the joint bills should be proportional to your wages

Poor_Single_lady

Hello. Just wanted to drop you a note of support too.

I dont know about your relationship but have you thought that your husband will want to look after you and would be sad if he knew you were anxious and suffering alone.
He might be cross at first (which we all feel on occasion) but then he will be able to help and take this anxiety from you.

I hope this works out ok. To echo what others said marriage is for the long haul and no picnic and there will always be bumps in the road. Please dont suffer alone. He cant help unless he knows.

Wishing you the best and sending you hugs. xxxx

NerviousNellie

Thank you for all your lovely comments, I still haven't told him. I just cant. I have written him a million page letter... then ripped it up. Then written another (shorter one) and its been sat in my handbag for weeks.
He is so stressed out with work I just cant seem to find the write time! I wish I had a crystal ball ... i just need to know how he will react. I can handle him being mad.. but I just cannot bare him being so disappointed in me. He will never trust me again I know it.

I think he knows something is up ... he keeps asking if i still love him (in a jokey kind of way) but i think he can tell i'm being distant, I just feel this overwhelming guilt and its making me less affectionate. Urghhh I'm awful. I am so so mad at myself. He does not deserve this at all.

He has just had a bonus from work which could have easily paid off 60% of my debt... but i could not tell him about it as I know that's what he would do with it. And its his money that he worked his a*se off for, it shouldn't be used to sort my problems out. But now he has used it for a holiday and some work on the house ... He is going to be so mad a didn't tell him before he got his bonus.

I'm sorry for rambling on... I really just needed to vent somewhere before i exploded.

I AM going to tell him. I have given myself to the 15th April. Very far away I know. But he has booked a holiday that he really really needs and he deserves that time to actually relax without stressing about what his stupid wife has done. I will tell him after the holiday 100%.

Mojisola

NerviousNellie wrote: »

I think he knows something is up ... he keeps asking if i still love him (in a jokey kind of way) but i think he can tell i'm being distant,

I just feel this overwhelming guilt and its making me less affectionate.

I AM going to tell him. I have given myself to the 15th April. Very far away I know. But he has booked a holiday that he really really needs and he deserves that time to actually relax without stressing about what his stupid wife has done.

He's already getting anxious because your behaviour is different. He probably thinks you're having an affair and are going to leave him.

Tell him, get it over with and then he will be able to properly relax and enjoy his holiday without worrying about your relationship.

angelpye

I think telling him sooner will mean he can process it all before the holiday and then the holiday will start with a new plan. There is never a good time to tell someone bad news. Good luck, with whatever you decide to do. The stress of it must be unbearable.