Secret debt... How do I tell my Husband

NerviousNellie

Hi

I don't really know what I am expecting writing on here, I just need to talk to someone before i completely break down.

Basically I have been hiding a large amount of debt from my Husband, We have only been married 2 and a half years. I want to tell him more than anything but he is so against debt I am scared he will leave me.

The debt is around £14,000 plus a £3000 overdraft. I cant even believe its that high. I have been ignoring it for years and simply making minimum payments and then using credit cards when I run out of money, but I finally decided to pull my head out my a** and see how bad it actually was. And now I wish I never had.

I have always convinced myself that I can make the minimum payments without my OH knowing (they are about £340 a month all together ) and slowly pay off the debt. But I know now I have just been lying to myself to avoid the issue.

He is the most amazing man and I know this would break him, he has dealt with so much this past year and deserves so much better than a wife who lies to him.

I'm just really bad with my Money. When I left my ex 5 years ago I was left with 6 months worth of rent owed, all in my name because he wasn't on the rental agreement as he went bankrupt due to a gambling addiction while we were together. I got a payday loan out for that and then had to get out credit cards to cover the interest and it all just got too much for me to handle. I just got out a loan and put the rest on a credit card.

I do have a store account with roughly £2000 on it... no excuses for that. I use it for xmas and birthdays when I can't afford things. And admittedly went through a period where i would by myself something using it and it would make me feel better, for about a week then I would do it again. I have controlled that now, I am sure as hell never buying myself anything again, its a temporary high, a new top or dress wont make me feel any better in the long run.

It has only really hit me now because I keep putting off having a baby because of this. I have an ok paying job which covers my contribution towards all the bills and I buy all the food and it covers my minimum payments ... but if we have a baby I would only just be able to cover the payments. I want a baby so so bad, more than anything - and I know its all my fault that we cant have one. My OH is dying for a child, I cant believe I have wasted so much of his time.

Just the other day he asked me if I had paid off my credit card (the one he knew about) and I just said yes .. He said he wants proof its cleared. Which I don't have as its not paid off at all.

The worst part is he works in finance... and keeps trying to sit me down so we can do a budget plan as we have a few car loans and wedding loans to pay off.. plus some bits for the house we got on buy now pay later. His parents are great people, never a bad debt in their life... and constantly get at us about the debt we .. and they don't even know about mine! They will be so disappointed in me if they found out.

My parents on the other hand have both been in debt and both have gone through bankruptcy.. my dad left when I was young and my mum couldn't afford the house on her own, even though she tried her best. I can still remember the bailiffs knocking on our door and my poor mum sat on the sofa crying because we had to move out. After that - growing up we never really talked about money. My step dad had a good job and my mum works but they never seem to have any money, I just never wanted to ask why.

Anyway (sorry for rambling) All this debt is mine, I am not asking him for help to pay it. I am 25 and determined to be debt free by the time I am 30. I just cant pay it off if he doesn't know about it as he wont understand why I cant afford to do things. I just don't know how to tell him... I'm scared this will end our marriage. I just don't know what to do.


Im sorry if this post is a bit all over the place, But its the first time I have written this down and my head is so scrambled right now!

Any advise would be really appreciated, or if you have been in a similar situation I would love to know I am not on my own.:(

BOBS

Dont want to read and run.

Not sure what to advise but I dont think you will ever make headway on that amount of debt making minimum payments, and thats a fair bit of money to squirrel away with you new hubby knowing.
Maybe it is time to come clean and tell him everything. Marriage is for the long haul and really you shouldnt be keeping this secret from him. You really need his support through this.
Sorry nothing more positive to add x

bertiewhite

I've been in the same position but instead of telling you what I did - have a look at this similar thread from last year.

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/71664118#Comment_71664118

Basically, you need to share this problem with your partner or it'll be like swimming against the current.

Perryface

Hi,
My advice: sit down with him tonight, tell him you love him, then give him this thread to read.

Take a deep breath, exhale slowly, he may be angry, hurt, confused that you kept this from him, but your post explains why you did this (whether it was right or wrong).

Hopefully, if he is financially savvy, he will relish the idea of you both joining forces to combat ALL the debts (including wedding loan etc). The quicker you get a plan implemented the quicker you can start the family you both crave.

Best wishes to you both x

NerviousNellie

Thank you so much for your replies. The link to your thread really helped - I feel better knowing I am not alone.

I think a letter is the best way forward for us as I will simply just break and not be able to get my words out, plus I think he is going to be so mad that he might not want me around him while he calms down and takes it all in

Thanks so much!

BOBS

All the best NervousNellie - hope all goes well. You may need to give him a bit of space to absorb it all - but as above I feel that you can definitely work this out. Marriage is all about the long haul.
Let us know how you get on.

NerviousNellie

Thanks BOBS I think I will write out my letter this weekend and give it to him next Friday as he has his best friend staying this weekend and has been looking forward to it so I don't want to ruin it by dropping such a bomb!

I can't believe I am going to tell him, I am so so anxious. I will post back here once I have done it - Thanks again for the advise I really appreciate it and I already feel a bit better having admitted it here

tallyhoh

My partner is continually in debt & lies about it. The debt is easier to deal with than the deceit so tell him ASAP, even write him a letter

PeggyM37

If he is asking for proof that you have cleared one of your cards, rather than just taking your word for it, it sounds like he suspects that you have debts anyway. He might be angry for a while, but then you need to sit down and work through it together. His financial expertise should work to your advantage in the long run as he will be well placed to help you work through the situation. The very best of luck to you.

Bobarella

Good luck with that letter to OH. I'm really sorry you are so stressed out.

DD265

Well done for facing up to how much debt there actually is. Honestly when you've told him, you will feel better. The saying "a problem shared is a problem halved" really is true when it comes to money; not that you expect him to help you pay it, but more that he'll understand when you say you can't afford to do something.

It sounds like your husband is good with finances, so maybe you could get a list together of all the debts, the interest rates and the minimum payments.

The thing that would concern me is the overdraft because banks can ask for them to be cleared on short notice. That never happened to me but I always had a back-of-mind panic about it! Mine was also interest free but I know the charges can add up quickly.

If you can explain to your husband how you plan to continue tackling these debts, that might help him to see that you're serious about it.

We're all here for you if you need us - and even if you don't