Unwanted/excessive gifts!

booter

Probably not an unusual topic at this time of year, but I have a dilemma. We (as a couple) exchange gifts (birthday/Christmas) with another couple. We are fairly good friends with them, but perhaps only see them 3 or 4 times a year. It began a number of years ago when I made them a Christmas cake (they don't like marzipan and had mentioned that they missed Christmas cake, so I made them one without marzipan). They obviously considered this a gift, so sent us something too. (I can't remember what now!)

But it's getting out of hand now I always make them a Christmas cake, and maybe get them a little something - a "token" gift (max £5)- and they would do the same. But the last few gifts from them have been relatively expensive. Last birthday was a £30 garden ornament, and our Christmas gift this year is a Tower soup maker. The garden ornament is still sitting in the cupboard, and I never make soup (and rarely eat it!). They haven't won the lottery (as far as I know!) so I can't explain the sudden urge to be so generous. Whilst I truly appreciate their generosity, I really don't appreciate the gifts - and I mean that in the nicest possible way I just don't understand why a. they've started spending so much, (especially when I just can't reciprocate and they know this) and b. their choice of gifts. I'm happy with choccies or biscuits!

I don't want to offend them (by being critical of their choice of gifts or the amount spent - they can be quite sensitive!) but I just don't want to keep receiving what I consider expensive gifts, which to me are useless!

I know I have to talk to them, but has anyone got any ideas of what I should say or how I should broach the subject?!

Surely I can't be the only person in this position?

Person_one

I expect the reason they spend more on a gift is because they appreciate that the time and effort you take to make them a Christmas cake has value that isn't monetary and a nice £30 gift is their way of acknowledging that.

If you are happy to keep making them a cake each year then I wouldn't say anything, thank them graciously for their gifts and then discreetly pass them on to people who will actually use/like them or to charity.

If you'd really rather not make them a cake each year then as it gets towards Halloween time you can very politely say that you won't be able to do the cake/gift exchange this year unfortunately so are they happy to drop back to cards? Make it about you, you sadly haven't the time to make the cake due to xyz reason (make it plausible) not about them or that you don't want the gifts they've taken the time to choose for you.

esmy

There seem to be two separate issues here: what to do re unwanted gifts (the same everyone else does - give away/sell/bin) and the difference in value of the gifts given and received. I actually think if you costed out the cake making - ingredients, fuel to cook, time - you wouldn't be far off the value of the gifts given to you. There's no rules that mean all gifts have to be of equal monetary value. I believe that they gave you gifts they thought you'd like and got it wrong, as we all do sometimes.

UKTigerlily

Maybe they spend more as they know you better? Last year I started getting my neighbour something as he is so good to me & always looks after me, I don't want or expect anything back it's purely a thank you & to try to show I appreciate it/him . . this year I did spend more as I love to treat people but he wouldn't expect a thing & hopefully understands why I like to

They are adult and probably don't expect anything back, they will only spend what they can afford/want to but I do understand too as another neighbour always got me alcohol & I don't drink, but I just donated it & thanked her & if I ever got chance to drop it into conversation would've said i'd now decided to give it up!

Maybe just say thank you for such a lovely gift but you don't expect a thing & have all you need?

Nicki

An iced Christmas cake costs around £15-20 to buy and your token gift is around £5. Given that you are also putting in the effort of making the cake for them, the "value" of your respective gifts to each other is not far apart. It may even be the case that the ornament and soup maker were unwanted gifts they received during the year and have "regifted" to you.

I wouldn't worry about the disparity and would give anything you don't want to keep to charity or to someone you know would like it. If you mention this to them it will just cause upset or embarrassment and they are only trying to be good friends.

patchwork_cat

Maybe they are already regifting and the gift didn't cost anything!

spadoosh

You cant really know how much theyve spent on the gifts. Id stick with that. Whats to say someone didnt get them a soup maker last year that they didnt want or could find a use for. "Thats perfect for booter that is, they love making cakes theyll probably like making soups!"

"Why has aunt doris bought us a garden ornament we only have a small yard. What about good ole booter, theyve got a lovely garden, might make more use out of it?!"

OH got a make up set this year probably worth about £30-40 but all the make up was more for teens apparently so she gave it to her niece who would use it more. Normally only spend about £20 so she got a 'bigger' than normal present, that cost us nothing.

I feel a bit tight on the original giftor because the person intended to enjoy wont but someone will and well enjoy not having to pay as much. Cnat get things right all the time, especially at christmas when presents can be bought for the sake of buying presents.

Works in roundabout though, OH got her friend a cheapish generic Christmas present the other year only to receive it back the next year. Obviously the receiver hadnt remembered who gave it her. It was funny, no one said anything for ages until i got drunk and laughed at them all! Told em to do it properly or not much point in bothering. Gifts or not, we're still friends.


ETA a good way to catch a re-gifter out.... ask for the receipt describing a minor fault, watch them squirm, its fun!

indsty

If you don't want to receive their gifts then I think you need to let them know around October that you "won't have the time" "can't be bothered" etc to do lots of baking this year but will be dropping them a card as usual. Hopefully they will take the hint.

I don't actually think £30 is excessive in return for a home baked christmas cake - time, ingredients and effort are probably worth that, but understand that getting expensive gifts you don't want is just silly and wasteful. ( I'd love a soup maker;))

booter

Thank you all for your input - much appreciated Having never bought a Christmas cake, it looks like I probably am undervaluing my efforts (I just never knew they were so expensive!!) and I had thought that maybe they're re-gifting (I'm not averse to a bit of that myself - but I just can not think of anyone I know who would like a soup maker )

So, I'm not going to worry about it and I'll do a spot of recycling But I think as Person_one suggested (thankyou), around October I'll have a quiet word.

tesuhoha

Maybe as you are a good cook you should invite them round for a nice dinner.

Lunar_Eclipse

I definitely would not discuss this with them.

Accept their gifts graciously and then deal with them immediately, either passing them on to someone else, taking them to a charity shop or putting them on EBay/your car boot sale box if you do that kind of thing.

And don't waste any more time thinking about it.