Starting to face up to it all

EvieandPeanut

This represents two firsts as I've never posted on a forum before and I've never really admitted how bad our situation is before. Guess the latter is the most important step.

Both myself and my husband have horrendous debts, over 100 grand between us (sorry - the pound sign on our key board doesn't register for some reason). We each owe over 50K individually. The worst part is that I have a really well paid job and including bonuses and share options earn about 110grand a year. I feel bad admitting that as many people on this site are in trouble because they have a low income and have got into debt trying to live day to day.

My husband's dream is the main reason we are in this situation. That and bad planning and a lot of stupid decisions along the way. HB decided he wanted to follow his ambition and become a commercial pilot about 4 years ago. He has now passed all the necessary elements at a cost of 45K, not including the lost income from not earning properly in that time. Unfortunately becoming a pilot involves many hurdles and each time you pass one another one looms. We are now stuck, in that HB needs to secure a type rating on a jet to join an airline but we don't have the necessary cash to do this, anything from 20k up. HB does currently have a very low paid flying job but typically takes home only 1000 per month. Just to cover his debts he needs 1800 per month. So, every month I'm paying out over 1000 to him as well as covering the mortgage and all household bills and my own debt payments.

I think the fact that I have covered HB's debt and funded our entire lifestyle for over 3 years has made HB quite nochalent to the situation we are in. Every time I ask him to address it he tells me there's nothing he can do so he just ignores it and then I bail him out yet again.


Over the past 4 years we have had a lot of accessible cash (HB had a flat he sold to live in my house and I've had good bonuses) and yet we still seem to have accrued all this debt. I still have shares that I can liquidate at various times of the year but each time I do this it seems to vanish in an instant, covering minimum payments. This year alone I've liquidated over 20k of shares yet there never seems to be any lump sum there to pay off a chunk of debt. I also remortgaged last year which gave me 45k to pay off our debts at the time but obviously that didn't last long and we are in an even worse situation.

The other part of the problem is me, of course I'm not guiltfree. Being a high earner and working very long hours in a very stressful job I expect to be able to treat myself when I want, clothes, spa treatments, meals out etc. The reality is that I can't pay for any of it and every month juggle my cc's and bank account to be able to have the things I want and pay all the household costs and my own minimum payments.

Anyway, this month I simply cannot cover everything anymore. I can't pay the minimums on HBs debts and we now have at least 20 phone calls a day on our home phone. It's got so bad I've turned the ringer off. The letters are also mounting up. HB won't actually open them - I have to. HB has had missed payments and been chased over the past 10 months but this is the first time I've not been able to sort it out.

I've asked HB to start to tell his creditors that he can't pay and then arrange a debt management plan. It seems to be being left to me to sort all of this out.

At this stage I just wanted to get it all out and admit the mess we are in. I've read other threads on here so know that I should post a SOA and then get valuable advice from others but to be honest I'm not quite there yet. Still in that panic stage and feeling quite hopeless.

MissKJ

Don't feel hopeless EvieandPeanut. Like you said there are many of us in same situation. The amounts aren't actually that relevent, it is your ability to pay and clear that counts.Look for the positives. You have a good income, and your HB (what does this stand for) has the POTENTIAL to earn more. You still have to go through the same process as everyone else who has had their light bulb moment, but you have to work out your SOA (sticky on thread at beginning) and we will all help you. You can also use thuis to tak to your HB and get him to address the issue aswell. I will show my signature so you can see it is not hopeless.

MissKJ

oops forgot to attach....

MissKJ

no wasn't me, something has gone wrong????

greytdog_2

i agree with miss kj - the amount you earn and owe are immaterial its making sure you deal with it as soon as you can - our debt had more than tripled due to our ostrich approch for 12 years. Got hold of it now and reep the benifits long term.

bathgatebuyer

You have my sympathies, Evieandpeanut. While some people think being a pilot is all glamour, I know from a friend who is type rated on 737s that it's a long expensive slog with poor rewards while his training loans are paid back. Indeed, my former boss is paying for his son to go through flying school using the remortgage on his own house. I've suggested he take a look on pprune.org before doing anything so drastic, but he thinks his 'son will be fine'. I fear it may be a rude awakening for him.

Hey, you've made a big step in admitting you have a problem. You'll see from many people on here's own stories that we've all needed that jolt - unpleasant as it is. The easiest way to offer suggestions as to how to help would be by listing your incomings and outgoings. You'd be suprised how much people in here can save off your monthly bills with a few suggestions. Putting it in black and white may also be a useful thing to show your husband and let him see what margins you have every month. it's never an easy thing to have to face, but it really is the only way to tackle this.

Sorry, I can't be more constructive at the moment - but I really do sympathise as someone who knows a few pilots who have had horrendous financial problems as a result of following their chosen careers. How much you earn is irrelevent. A debt is a debt and the means of tackling it unfortunately involves a lot of hard work and sacrifices.

Have a hug from me - sit down tomorrow and try as best as you can to list your SOA and we can all try and help you find a solution.

In_Search_Of_Me

Hi Evie, Firstly HUGE hug for you & well done facing up to it! That is the most important thing & the second is the gut wrenching sorting! This is im my opnion the hardest bit! In terms of feeling bad because you feel that you earn more etc, dont. The vast majority have spent above our income, whatever that may be. It's all relative isnt it! The more you earn the more you tend to spend - certainly my experience!! Anyway, it's irrelivant! The main thing is that you're here & will be supported by people who do understand!
I hope that once you sort & get the figures sussed that you at least feel that you have things in control, if not under control. YOu cannot afford to keep bailing OH (other half) who I assume you call HB (husband?!!) out ! It seems he has the flashy pilot in his head and he needs to come down to earth & realise that he may look like flashy pilot but his bank balance isnt!! The more you bail him out the less likely he is to acknowledge the problem and will continue to be in denial about this.
You can post your SOA but I suggest that as a first step you sort stuff out....When you get to the bit where you feel sick, regret the day you EVER used a credit card & feel physically sic remember that there are loads of us here who understand. We do. Honest! When I had my first lightbulb moment (being a hopeless shopaholic & naturally generous I suspect I'll be here for life!!) I cried for 2 days but then changed my life. This site has changed my life for the better & despite the fact that it's been hard & not having spa days is tough (I used to have loads!!) I dont regret anything! Keep posting & feel ree to ask questions! It takes a while to getthe hang of the site!
Meanwhile, huge hug for you & hang in there!

fc123

Although all situations are different, the problem is the same ...too much out against whats coming in..........i haven't posted our situation as it is in hand (sort of)

our lightbulb moment was in 2004..with our own businesses turnng over in excess of 1/2 million pounds per yr...but i couldn't pay all the bills anymore.......

we totally changed our lves and lifestyle (my OH had his head in the sand for much longer....we always could service the debts etc but i had had enough)...

i have loads of tips on downsizing (and accidentally lost over a stone by changing our convenience shopping habits)

for example, We pay school fees of £1000 per month ..so it s embarassing on here to post an SOA including such "middle england" bills.......when there are others in a tighter situaton. Our cleaner used to cost in a week what i now spend on all our groceries for a month.

it's all sort of PRO RATA.

An SOA on here is good therapy...................we sat down 3 years ago and listed everything together...........my OH had ben diagnosed with a disease that needed a head op...carrying quite severe risks. i realised that if he didn't recover fully, i couldn't manage the businesses, the kids etc alone....our staff bill then was around £70k pa..............this prompted us to face things in a different way


our biggest help was the phrase "if you do what you have always done, you will get what you always got"................every situation now, we address in a different way than we would have done in the past 20 yrs.

the end result is a lifestyle that is way above the one we discarded in terms of quality though our debt is still a long way off from being cleared.

the debts we incurred were from OH being shafted on a contract (£50k)

Having a bad business partner (£40k)

errors in judgement on business issues (£40k)

being too busy to keep track of household exps (£30k)

will post again if you want any lifestyle tips that are cheap but bearable until they become habit and normal.

EvieandPeanut

A big thank you to everyone who's been in touch. It really has helped to have written it down and shared the problem. It always seems like a shameful secret and no one who sees me going off to work every morning in my nice car and smart clothes would ever guess.

I know that there are a lot of us out there but it's still hard not to feel a complete idiot for being in this situation and am a bit lost about where to start. Also keep flitting into moments of denial where I tell myself it's not really happening and I can go shopping later!! No - I'm going to be strong and see a friend instead. I might even tell her now that I'm in unburdening mode.

And to anyone who's thinking of becoming a pilot or knows someone who is thinking about it, please take this as a warning. Whatever training figure is in mind to get a decent airline job, which will still only pay you about 25k in the first few years, you need to be realistic and expect to have to cover at least 80k. That's without living expenses. There are jobs out there but each one has over 100 people chasing it and there are a lot of foreign pilots in the UK after work as they can't get anything at home. It is not the glamourous, well paid industry everyone things it is.

Anyway, tomorrow I am forcing my HB (husband) to sit down and work all of this through. He's gone off to work today and we've only had 4 phone calls from financial institutions this morning!!! The ringer can stay off til Monday!

OberonSH

Well done you, it's a really positive step. Dosn't matter if you earn a million a year, if you pay out a million and £3 that's a problem.

When you do get everythign on paper, it;s a bloody shock! I redid mine yesterday, after closing an unprofitable business, and added my OH's car loan (always had separate finances, but debt is debt) and OMG.... but hey - I'll never see that figure again, right? And neither will you.

Once you get your debts in a row, start contacting your creditors to appraise them of the situation - and tell them to contact you in writing only, to remove your number from their database. This will stop the majority of the calls, nd halve the stress in one fell swoop. They legally have to do this, so make sure they do.

Let the neighbours think what they want. They're the once paying interest on absolutey everything. Please do make sure you pop up your SOA (don;t forget to put the APR's of any credit cards and loans) - we'll help you get yourself sorted in no time hun. I'm not saying it's easy - it'll be a big culture shock, but once you make that last payment, and realise that every penny coming in is YOURS you'll feel better than any spa treatment.

Good luck hun, we're all here to support each other, and we do. You're not alone in this.

PasturesNew

You can always pretend you're cutting back because you are looking to buy into a small airline at some point next year ... of course the negotiations/legals are going to take quite a while even IF we decide to go ahead ...
... then when you're debt free you can just declare it didn't look like a good business proposal after all

Just say to people in a whisper "well, it's a bit hush hush ... and I'm not sure what we'll end up doing ... but we're putting some money aside, rather than liquidating our investments you understand, .... "
And as it was "hush hush" and you weren't bragging about it, you can even quietly let it slip away.

:0

White lies don't hurt!