Should I tell my boss about my personal problems?

20aday

Hello Andrew,

It sounds like you've got a great boss and IMHO I'd mention your concerns to him as well.

I get the impression he'd be very understanding; am glad he's noticed but not mentioned anything because he doesn't know what to say/do; sadly mental health issues are a bit of an "elephant in the room" which is why Time to Change is very much welcomed: http://www.time-to-change.org.uk

I know exactly where you are coming from Andrew and it sounds like you've had a lot of life changes (baby on the way, moving house) which would explain why you're feeling the way you are especially if you're working too much as well.

My own personal experience: earlier this year I left my old job of ten & a half years, started working nights and also moved house. I've had depression for some time now but those upheavals brought it back to the fore.

That, coupled with exhaustion (I work a lot too), means everything seems like an effort. You say you don't care (I did the same) but that's not true-if you didn't care you wouldn't be worried about letting your wife/baby/boss/company down. If you didn't care you wouldn't have self-referred yourself for counselling.

Part of me wonders if you're like me in some ways; trying to please too many people and neglecting yourself. As great as that is you have to look after number one too. You're just as important.

CBT/Mindfulness works best for me-perhaps something to consider Andrew? You're taking the right steps and I wish you all the best going forward; it may feel like you're at the bottom now but you'll soon find you've scaled to the top of the mountain to 'enjoy the view'.

Please keep us updated with your progress and I wish you well.

AshleyBurf

Andrew_Ryan_89 wrote: »

I am going through the most depressive time of my life. On the surface things looks great - good paying job, wife, baby on the way and recently moved into my own home. However, for the past 3 months I have been on a downward spiral and it is affecting my work.

Typically I am a VERY hardworking person. Previous jobs I will be working way beyond my contracted hours, on the weekends and at times even book holidays so I can do work without distractions. My low mood has got to the point where I have referred myself for counseling through the NHS and seen the doctors to take various blood test which I am still doing and getting results for (anemia and small red blood cells have been noted but nothing to describe my low mood).

I know my boss has noticed and it upsets me because he's such a nice guy and I don't want to let himself or the company down, but for some reason I jut can't pull myself together. I try slapping myself, water on the face, going out outside, yelling in the mirror and so on but I just can't pull myself together to do work. I don't care anymore. I could get fired tomorrow and full well knowing I could lose my house, it probably would not bother me.

Is this something you reckon will be a good idea to share with the boss?

Yes, i think tell your boss for sure. Most companies care. I went through an extremely tough time 12 years ago and I got paid leave for about 3 months. Please tell him.

Andrew_Ryan_89

Caroline_a wrote: »

More and more people are now finding that a lack of Vitamin D is causing symptoms such as depression and chronic fatigue. Ask your GP for a Vitamin D test - if you don't go outside much in the summer months you won't be able to build up your stores of it.

There's quite a lot of information on it here.

Thanks for the support all. I had a full bloody test and the doctor called me to explain the results and were scratching their heads because I seemed to have contradicting results. First blood test hinted at something quite severe so went in for a second. That test revealed the nothing was seriously wrong but slightly off so I have been booked in for a 3rd blood test and appointment to see the doctor again. It's just so weird, it's not like me at all.

daytona0

Andrew_Ryan_89 wrote: »

I am going through the most depressive time of my life. On the surface things looks great - good paying job, wife, baby on the way and recently moved into my own home. However, for the past 3 months I have been on a downward spiral and it is affecting my work.

Funny how much things change in 6 months

(for the purposes of integrity, the post I linked to stated: )

andrew_Ryan_89 wrote:

Update: Invites have gone out and a couple people (cousins) are not happy and won't be able to attend because their children can't. It's made me even more confident in my decision to have no children. Makes you see peoples true colours. I am pretty sure that given 3 months notice people can find a baby sitter. Another one, who has a partner, is not coming. Why can't you just leave the kids with him?
Last edited by Andrew Ryan 89; 09-06-2016 at 8:34 PM.

I don't think anyone has ever been this straight to you, but WHAT THE HELL MAN?!?!

You jib off most of your family because you didn't want them to bring their kids?! Then you gain confidence in your decision to not have a kid, then you GO ON TO HAVE A KID 6 months later?!

My head is wrecked lad. Seriously.

I implore you to go to the GP as soon as possible. You are obviously depressed or have some mental health issue and you need help with that. No shirking of the issue.

I tell you why, but reading that wedding thread has got me very concerned about your baby on the way. Just how you spoke about not wanting a child, not wanting children at your wedding. There is clearly contempt towards children and your child does not deserve that in the slightest. You will lose that child (and possibly your wife if she is worth anything) if you treat your child with contempt.

Also, the way you blew off your family is beyond me. I can't fathom it. Their reaction (not turning up) was entirely justified! 1000%! And I tell you what, but don't expect to go to their wedding when you have your baby. That's called karma. I genuinely wish that you'd apologise to them and build some bridges, and I don't even know you. Family are so important.

Good luck lad, but sod me that's a mind-****

Andrew_Ryan_89

RuthnJasper wrote: »

I am sorry for the problems you are experiencing. Life must seem pretty bleak at the moment. I have problems in this area myself.


You say that your boss is a nice guy; I would take the step of confiding in him. It is up to you how much or how little you divulge, but I'm sure your boss will appreciate your honesty and it will at least remove the fear from your own mind that you are being judged because of your competence.


I have had just over twelve months of wretchedness in my personal life and decided to be open about what was happening with my line manager. She has been incredibly supportive, offering flexi-time for hospital appointments, making suggestions, etc.


It may also be that your company has some sort of confidential employee support arrangement, whereby you can have some (totally private, unless you are at serious risk of harming yourself or others) counselling or other assistance, and your boss could refer you to the service.


I most sincerely wish you all the best Andrew. You sound like a nice person in a psychologically bad place and that doesn't make you a 'freak' or outcast by any means. It's very hard to believe sometimes - but you won't always feel like this. You are doing the right thing in seeking support from the proper people. It's horrible, I know, but you will get through this even if it takes a while. Keep going.


x

Thank you. Because I have been in the role for less than a year I did not want it to sound as some lame excuse. To be fair, my performance initially was not bad at all and the "poor" results so far is definitely more of a company issue than anything as I am performing pretty much the same as my predecessor who was way more experienced. Only recently though my emails have stacked up and I have gone weeks with doing very little if anything at all.

Andrew_Ryan_89

daytona0 wrote: »

Funny how much things change in 6 months

(for the purposes of integrity, the post I linked to stated: )



I don't think anyone has ever been this straight to you, but WHAT THE HELL MAN?!?!

You jib off most of your family because you didn't want them to bring their kids?! Then you gain confidence in your decision to not have a kid, then you GO ON TO HAVE A KID 6 months later?!

My head is wrecked lad. Seriously.

I implore you to go to the GP as soon as possible. You are obviously depressed or have some mental health issue and you need help with that. No shirking of the issue.

I tell you why, but reading that wedding thread has got me very concerned about your baby on the way. Just how you spoke about not wanting a child, not wanting children at your wedding. There is clearly contempt towards children and your child does not deserve that in the slightest. You will lose that child (and possibly your wife if she is worth anything) if you treat your child with contempt.

Also, the way you blew off your family is beyond me. I can't fathom it. Their reaction (not turning up) was entirely justified! 1000%! And I tell you what, but don't expect to go to their wedding when you have your baby. That's called karma. I genuinely wish that you'd apologise to them and build some bridges, and I don't even know you. Family are so important.

Good luck lad, but sod me that's a mind-****

I am so confused about this post.... What are you talking about? What does not wanting kids at my wedding have anything to do with me having kids of my own? How do you even get that I have contempt towards children from that? Mate, not too sure if I have seen you respond to me before (the name does ring a bell) but the amount of effort made in the above post demonstrates you have something wrong with you or need something else to do with your spare time if your sole purpose on the internet is connecting dots of former post and trying to call bull !!!! instead of just ignoring whatever you do not like.

I am metaphorically hitting myself at the moment for responding to this post and therefore dignifying it in someway. You feel sorry for my kids? Don't worry about my children, despite my personal problems I am a successful, loving individual. I have helped countless people in their careers and lives. I am curious though whether you have children or even a partner? I am not a very emotional person and don't get too bothered by random people on the internet, but the fact you would post the above where for all you know I am on the edge shows how much a **** you are.

theoretica

daytona0 wrote: »

Then you gain confidence in your decision to not have a kid,

I read "my decision to have no children" as meaning "no children at the event", which seems very distant from not having kids.

Plenty of people like their own kids better than other people's anyway!

daytona0

theoretica wrote: »

I read "my decision to have no children" as meaning "no children at the event", which seems very distant from not having kids.

Plenty of people like their own kids better than other people's anyway!

I guess so! Fair point.

Shame it sort of dilutes my genuine attempt at helping OP to focus on what is truly important, but so be it!

(it can be read as meaning "no children of their own" too; that was actually the literal meaning of it!)

daytona0

Andrew_Ryan_89 wrote: »

I am so confused about this post.... What are you talking about? What does not wanting kids at my wedding have anything to do with me having kids of my own? How do you even get that I have contempt towards children from that? Mate, not too sure if I have seen you respond to me before (the name does ring a bell) but the amount of effort made in the above post demonstrates you have something wrong with you or need something else to do with your spare time if your sole purpose on the internet is connecting dots of former post and trying to call bull !!!! instead of just ignoring whatever you do not like.

I am metaphorically hitting myself at the moment for responding to this post and therefore dignifying it in someway. You feel sorry for my kids? Don't worry about my children, despite my personal problems I am a successful, loving individual. I have helped countless people in their careers and lives. I am curious though whether you have children or even a partner? I am not a very emotional person and don't get too bothered by random people on the internet, but the fact you would post the above where for all you know I am on the edge shows how much a **** you are.

In light of theoretica's post I may have mis-interpreted your meaning (though my interpretation was not incorrect).

Still, a good portion still applies

The key part is that the child is the most important party here. You need to sort yourself out for them.

Good luck.

april87

If your wife doesn't know about any of this then I would also speak to her.

I'm in a similar situation to you, not long married, baby on the way and if my husband felt like that I would want him to tell me so we could work through it together, and I have every confidence in our relationship that he would.

It sounds like things are getting on top of you, but you do need to pull yourself out of this slump. I again, have suffered mental health issues in the past, and quite badly too. The one thing that I've learned throughout it all, is the only person who can really help is you. Yes medication, and talking helps, but none of it will stick unless you want to get out of the situation. Go back to the gym, do something you like, even if you feel like your having to force yourself to do it. After a while it becomes routine, and you will start to feel better about yourself & situation.

As for talking to your boss, again this is something I would advocate. But you have to tell him, yes you are struggling and whatever but again you need to be taking the steps to rectify how you feel, in my opinion.