Need courage to admit my debt to partner

AllyMac

Ah you poor love - you sound so stressed ��
Deep breaths - you've really started to turn this round now...

£750 a month on top of minimums is BRILLIANT - and that's without being in a no-going-out-to-dinner crackdown!

And you have a good understanding of what's going on behind it too, which is great. I think you'll need to go further than understanding it's a drive for perfection, and work out why the need for perfection. But you're further forward than many!

We all have different ways of doing things, but one thing that wouldn't suit me in what you say, is that you seem to be wanting to rely on him to help you. I love my partner, of course I'd *want* to help him - but it does read a bit like you want him to step in and help you control yourself. And I think that needs to come from you. I want to be my partner's support but also their equal - not their parent or banker. So a big yes from me to him getting on board that you won't be doing expensive dinners for a while. But a no from me to expecting him to question you if you spend.

You will manage this quicker and feel better for it if you are managing your own behaviour.

To be honest I'm not sure I'd tell him how much, I know some people share all but I've always been slightly private on details! In your shoes I'd say "look, I'm still spending on stuff - like this furniture - and that debt is not going down at all. So I am going to seriously hit it for next 18 months. So no big unnecessary spends for me - or little ones that add up. Can you please support me by understanding when I'm not up for £things?"

His £3K may be more controlled than yours - but he can join in with the no-waste drive and kill his debt too!

You are his equal, and you already have a plan to fix this. So don't grovel!

If you were my partner, I would be shocked and probably annoyed (rather than angry). But I'd be sad you'd been scared to tell me, and pleased to support you.

I know it sounds trite but it's true - if this is a strong relationship you'll work it out together. If it isn't and you can't - it really isn't the best relationship for you.

Good luck!
And I hope you feel better for sharing. Have a no-spend day tomorrow, and get ready to lift this emotional weight!

On_my_way

Firstly - BIG HUGS from me to you.

Secondly do not panic and tell him. Firstly you need to sort things out and try to relax a bit more.

May I suggest the following:
1) cut up your credit cards
2) go through your stuff, I am certain that you will have a lot that you can sell on ebay which will improve your situation
3) seriously cut down your own spending - this way you will be able to pay off more of your debts. £10k will be paid off very quickly if you are serious about it
4) Can you work any overtime?

Don't stress yourself by saying more than you have to right now. Also, he may have more debt than he lets on.

Big hugs. You can do this.

milobrulee

I did it. i actually did it. I wrote it in an email, then left my office to start my commute home. I knew that would mean he would have time to read it and then discuss when we got home.

He texted me on the train to say he wasn't angry or going to leave me at all, the only thing he felt was disappointed that this put back house plans by a bit, and sad that I had let it get so bad without being able to tell him. I felt so relieved, I just sobbed and sobbed when I got home and he was not angry at all.

I did tell him how much, and he wanted to know. We wrote it all down and it's circa £21,000. I thought he would just be gobsmacked but he said OK, let's get on with it then. Write up your plan and I'll help you look over it.

I definitely don't want him to be my banker, but considering he is my partner, we do ask each other about things a lot. I don't know, maybe other couples are different but for example if he was planning to buy an expensive item he'd always run it by me first. We never deny each other anything, just suggest. (When he wanted to buy a new, very expensive, top of the range TV I told him it would make sense to wait 6 months as the price would drop. He agreed, and held out, then bought it for 40% less). So I feel like me buying things would more be a sounding board than asking permission.

He said he thinks we should sit down every Sunday and look over what I've spent. He doesn't want to control my spending, but just give me some accountability. I guess because we want to buy a house it is important for him to have financial transparency so that he can plan how much to save around me.

I can't believe the relief I feel. I'm going to do a snowball and we're both going to do what we can do reduce my outgoings. After all that we're just sitting and watching telly tonight. I had envisioned a night of turmoil and tears and anger, but it's all turned out quite alright.

milobrulee

On_my_way wrote: »

May I suggest the following:
1) cut up your credit cards
2) go through your stuff, I am certain that you will have a lot that you can sell on ebay which will improve your situation
3) seriously cut down your own spending - this way you will be able to pay off more of your debts. £10k will be paid off very quickly if you are serious about it
4) Can you work any overtime?

Overtime is not really an option as I work an office job. But I have two other jobs. I write for a publication in relation to my hobby, with a monthly standing rate of £700. I also do freelance work which comes and goes. The plan is obviously to put all of that into debt repayment.

Credit cards are all cut up. Living in the real world.

EssexHebridean

:T:T:T:T:T:T:T:T:T:T:T:T:T:T:T:T:T:T:T

I am sitting here with the BIGGEST smile on my face - WELL DONE!

A group I'm in - we have a phrase "Just f - ing DO IT!" for big stuff that's scary, or stuff we're putting off, and you really did - that must have taken so much courage.

Now for the fun bit. Seeing how much you can beat your snowball date by! :T

On_my_way

milobrulee wrote: »

Overtime is not really an option as I work an office job. But I have two other jobs. I write for a publication in relation to my hobby, with a monthly standing rate of £700. I also do freelance work which comes and goes. The plan is obviously to put all of that into debt repayment.

Credit cards are all cut up. Living in the real world.

That's brilliant. You earn quite a bit so if you seriously cut down your spending you will be able to shift your debts and start saving easily.

whitewing

What I also think is really great is that you have addressed this before Christmas. I would have felt dreadful if I had overspent at Christmas and my husband had been worried sick about his debt.

A huge well done to you both.

OneLife_OneShot

Well done. Glad he understood. Read this earlier but did not get to reply. Hopefully this is a start of a new chapter for you both!

enthusiasticsaver

Just read this and wanted to say well done for getting this out in the open. Now you can both encourage each other to get debt free. Obviously his debt is less but presumably he uses the furniture you spent a lot of the money on. Sitting down every week to discuss spending, budgeting etc is also a good habit to get into. The only thing I would say is try to build a little bit of personal spending money into the budget so it is not all bills and debt repayment. Clearing debt is a marathon and not a sprint.

enthusiasticsaver

Have you got any of that 21k on 0% cards by the way? That can really help with clearing it.