Need courage to admit my debt to partner

milobrulee

Hello,

This is the first time I have ever written this down or even gone through my thoughts other than in my head.

I have been seeing my partner for five years. We live together, we have talked about buying a house together and getting married, some day. The problem is he doesn't know I am £20,000 in debt.

He thinks I am in £9k of debt and steadily paying it off monthly. The truth is that I have increased my debt slightly (in ways which he knows) and am managing to only pay off minimums plus a little each month (I usually manage minimums + £750 or so) and I think Snowball hasme at 2 years until fully paid off, presuming I do not get any balance transfers or payrises (I hope to get a payrise in that time!)

I know my partner is going to ask me how on earth I managed to run up a debt in such a short time (a little over a year). I know that you guys probably understand how easy that is, especially when you have a compulsion to buybuybuy. But he doesn't tick in quite the same way. He has £3k of debt himself, but he knows how it happened and what it's for. He won't understand. I know he'll ask, and I can tell him there are certain things that have contributed (I can point out furniture in our house that has contributed!) and I also cannot explain a lot of it. I am stupid and it happened.

I know he'll be angry. He'll be livid in fact. He may want to leave me. This is the biggest reason why I haven't told him, but I realise that with every passing day I do not tell him, that likelihood only grows. I do not want him to leave me, I love him so much so I know I have to tell him sooner rather than later.

I don't think he'll understand the mental side of it. I know why I've spent so much - I crave the constant perfection, or reaching for perfection that spending brings. Having a house that looks perfect. Having a perfect life. I try to attain these things but I need to let it go. Debt aside my life is pretty perfect even without all these layers of things. I have a boyfriend who I love, a great family, good friends and a good job. But my debt is my secret shame, it eats away at me. I cry in the night. I bite my fingers until they are bleed. I have panic attacks when I realise the gravity of what I've done. Sometimes, when we're sitting watching TV the feeling of what I've done hits me like a huge, cold wave and I can feel the fear through my bones. It makes me constantly anxious.

But I know I can beat it, if he is willing to help. It's hard to constantly lie about why you can't afford to go out for dinner, so you don't lie. You just go and then you put it on credit card and then it gets worse. If he knew, he wouldn't ask. If he knew, and wanted to, he might even help me. I could go through my statements with him and we could formulate a plan. He could support me in reducing the spend. When I want to buy something I can talk it over with him. He can ask me why I want to buy it and we can work it through together. This is if he wants to. This addiction has only existed for a year, so I can kick it if I try.

If he doesn't want to be with me then our tenancy ends in January so it's not too long for us to have to live together. I so hope he doesn't want to, but I'm aware it's his right and I wouldn't blame him.

I just need courage, I am thinking of writing it in a letter and sending it to him, and then discussing it later. Otherwise I will never get everything I want to say out.

What do I do, I need help

ebsks76

Hi,


I have no advice, all I can offer is big hugs.


I think a letter would be a good idea, if that's how you feel best to tell him, but please do tell him.


Yes, he might be angry at first, but being honest is the first step. He could be really supportive and go through it all and help you. Just explain things in the best way you can.


I hope this helps. Thinking of you

Debt_is_terrifying

You've got to come clean, hiding this from him is only going to do more harm in the long run. If he feels the same way about you as you do about him then he won't leave you. The longer you leave things the harder it becomes to reveal the truth

bertiewhite

I've been in exactly this situation and believe me, you need to work together to sort this out on more than one level.

My root problem was that because I was hiding the debt from my wife, she thought everything was OK and kept spending what we didn't have. I also felt like I needed to mask the fact that we were in debt by carrying on spending and treating the family which made things even worse.

I had countless sleepless nights and was really angry everytime money was mentioned. One night I blurted out something about us being in so much debt and so my wife simply said "OK, let's sit down with a cup of tea and we'll work this out together". I asked if she wanted to know just how much debt we were in and she said it would be enough to know if it was in the thousands which it was.

As soon as she was aware of the problem she absolutely understood when I started to say "no to takeaways, etc." to the extent that she even started to remind me that we were supposed to be saving money when it was me that suggested a treat!!

I know everyone is different and your OH may not be so understanding but I guess my point is that unless he is aware of the debt, clearing it will be like swimming against the current instead of with it. Good luck

thriftylass

I second the idea with a letter. That way you might find the right way to tell him, choose your words carefully and explain also why have been hiding this for so long without being put off by his instant reaction whatever it might be.

Different situation, but I once wrote my now husband a letter about things I wasn't happy with (his lack of support in the house hold and with the kids). I took 2 days to write it but knew I said what I wanted the way I wanted. Waiting for a response was agonising (turned out well) but face to face I would've just not got it right for nerves. I think the basis of a letter could be your first post, tell him what you told us.

Also I think you're debt is manageable. Even now you can pay back +£750, imagine if you made some slight changes to your spending habit alone and as a couple this will be paid off in no time.

Good luck

EssexHebridean

I personally wouldn't put it in a letter. Several reasons - one is that the letter will get kept, and in a few years, when all this is forgotten about, you'll find it, or he will, and the whole mess will be back at the forefront of your mind again. I'd deal with this face to face - look him in the eye while you tell him. It will come across as more honest, he'll be able to see your emotions, and it will be obvious how much pain you['re feeling having to tell him.

If I remember correctly you are on a good income. The first thing to do is to cut back on EVERYTHING that you possibly can, and hit the debt HARD. You've had advice about doing that elsewhere already.

With your income, cut up the credit cards. Go on, go and do it right now - I dare you! Start living in "real money" only. Stop spending money you don't have - and if you have to say you can't go to dinner, or out for drinks, or whatever it may be, then so be it. "I'm sorry, I'm going to pass, I'm a bit short this month" is a great phrase. If friends drop you because of that, then pat yourself on the back, you've just rid yourself of someone who likes being with you for what you can provide, not who you are. You can do better.

Your partner might be angry, yes. But then again he might be sad that you've been keeping all this to yourself, and want to support you through it. He might leave you....? Well he MIGHT, but I didn't leave my boyfriend (now husband) when I discovered that he was in a similar level of debt to you, and on a FAR smaller income. Bottom line, I love him, and the debt made no difference to that., My only anger was that he'd not told me sooner, and us going out to dinner etc had contributed to making the situation worse, for him. I was angry about THAT, not about the debt itself. I was upset that he'd not felt able to trust me with it, sooner. If he leaves you, then again, I hate to say it, but you're probably well rid.

But I know I can beat it, if he is willing to help. It's hard to constantly lie about why you can't afford to go out for dinner, so you don't lie. You just go and then you put it on credit card and then it gets worse. If he knew, he wouldn't ask. If he knew, and wanted to, he might even help me. I could go through my statements with him and we could formulate a plan. He could support me in reducing the spend. When I want to buy something I can talk it over with him. He can ask me why I want to buy it and we can work it through together. This is if he wants to. This addiction has only existed for a year, so I can kick it if I try.

This quote above - that's exactly it. BUT, put together a plan yourself too - that way you're showing willing, not looking as though you're standing back and waiting to be told what to do.

Good luck - the sooner you do it, the sooner that nasty, sick feeling in the pit of your stomach goes away.

milobrulee

EssexHebridean wrote: »

I personally wouldn't put it in a letter. Several reasons - one is that the letter will get kept, and in a few years, when all this is forgotten about, you'll find it, or he will, and the whole mess will be back at the forefront of your mind again.

The biggest reason for me not wanting to say it all face to face is that I am a cryer. In fact, I'm crying right now. At my desk. Just little welling up tears. When I wrote the first post on this thread, I started crying so much I had to go hide in the bathroom for a bit.

If I sat down to talk about it, I know I would cry and cry until I was hyperventilating and not able to speak. I know I will cry anyway, when we have a discussion about it. The letter was more a way to get everything down, clear, and with my own plan in place for him to see. Otherwise, I'll tell him the first part and then become an emotional wreck and not actually be able to explain anything further than "I lied to you and I'm in double debt what you thought I was".

Thanks for your suggestions. I do definitely have a plan in place. I've done my "snowball" and worked out how much I need to pay off. I've worked out my budget for getting through the next month. The thing I need help with is the support to not always be doing expensive, social things. He can be quite impulsive to, and when I suggest "I want to buy X" and I shouldn't, he will often agree because he doesn't know that it's actually a dire problem. I need him to know so he can say "that's a terrible idea". Also, him knowing, I will be much more conscious day-to-day as I'll never want to disappoint him.

Fireflyaway

OK. This probably isn't the 'right' thing to do but if it were me I wouldn't say anything. Providing its just your debt and not impacting his credit score you could just formulate a plan to pay it off. You are a grown woman with your own income so technically what you do is your choice. Don't lie but don't reveal it all. Will it help? Just promise yourself you will clear up the mess and not do it again. Telling him will rock his trust in you and might change the relationship forever. Sounds like you are paying it off nice and quick . remember he also has debt - most people do, so you haven't committed a crime! It was a mistake but you can fix it.

bertiewhite

EssexHebridean wrote: »

The first thing to do is to cut back on EVERYTHING that you possibly can, and hit the debt HARD. You've had advice about doing that elsewhere already.

With your income, cut up the credit cards. Go on, go and do it right now - I dare you! Start living in "real money" only. Stop spending money you don't have - and if you have to say you can't go to dinner, or out for drinks, or whatever it may be, then so be it. "I'm sorry, I'm going to pass, I'm a bit short this month" is a great phrase. If friends drop you because of that, then pat yourself on the back, you've just rid yourself of someone who likes being with you for what you can provide, not who you are. You can do better.

This, absolutely. Cutting up your credit cards will make you feel liberated, you could even do it with your partner when you tell him.

wishus

I'd agree with most people here and just tell him... whilst Fireflyaway is right in that you have nothing to be ashamed of (a lot of people have debts, it's not a crime, he has debt too...) it's all about shared expectations.

You share the same dreams, right? You have said the big scary L word to each other, and now both the big scary Ms: marriage and mortgage...

They are both commitments of the heart... and they are both commitments of the wallet.

It took courage for the two of you to get together, for sure. But more courage to begin sharing your life, your dreams. A leap of faith... but if you tell each other, "Jump and I'll catch you, it's only 90cm across the gap," a 2m gap will be a surprise. Maybe if you tell him, and he's Greg Rutherford, he might be able to make the extra effort and leap across to you (be your shortfall while you catch up and pay things off). Or, if he's not capable, he may decide to help you, slowly but surely, build a bridge across your debt (both cut your cloth to fit, pay off the debt, think about a longer term plan to save and how you will live without resorting to retail therapy every now and then).

When he is thinking about your life together, is he thinking about new sofas very couple of years, or cuddles on the one you have? Does he put your happiness first? If he does, he'll want to help you lose the stress so you're not crying alone, or putting on a show with him to pretend you can afford meals out and things.

I hope you find strength. And have some from me... £24K reduced to £15K in 2 years. Still having fun! You can do it!

nkkingston

I'm team letter too. Some people communicate best through different means. This is going to be hard to communicate, so definitely play to your strengths here, but consider his. If he's a visual person, consider include some images that represent what's going on (e.g. a graph showing income, outgoings, debt, and repayments). If he likes numbers, give him the snowball calculator to play with. If he's someone who hashes things out through conversation, than consider a text format that allows that, like email.

Make sure you've both eaten first, and you're both reasonably well rested, so you're not tired and hangry. Pick a time of day when he's more likely to be relaxed - maybe he chills out after work, so then would be good, or if he's tense after work consider a weekend day. If he's likely to stew and brood over it, chose and sunday or weekday so you're not stuck on the receiving end of a sulk over the next few days. If you go the letter route, try and be out of the house while he reads it, or at least out of the room, so he's got space to react without you - if you go email, make sure you're available for his response but don't ask him for it.