Planning to live together - how to split bills with big earning difference?

Spendless

Throughout our 17 year marriage, my husband has been the main earner, whilst I have for various reasons, dipped in and out of work. Currently he earns just over double what I do.

Mostly DH's wages has covered the essential stuff (mortgage, bills, grocery shopping) Whereas mine covers the fun stuff (holidays, activities, presents, nights out) Because mine has been a very variable wage the things that it covers have been able to be adapted to suit the budget available.

maman

FeelingStrange wrote: »

We did it the same way you're considering (it was more like 65% and 35%), but it left one of us with less spending money than the other which seemed a little unfair.

So we worked it out in the same way, but then tweaked it a little so that we had a similar amount of spending money each, after all bills are paid.

We both work full time so thought that was fair. There is the argument that if one person works part time simply because they prefer to (i.e. no childcare to think about, no disability, or anything else that would prevent them from working full time) then perhaps the person who puts more graft in should get more spending money. I'm not weighing in on that one either way ;-)

It is difficult to comment without having an idea of the figures involved and the reason that OP's partner earns so much less.


I think what I'd do is look for accommodation that the partner can easily afford so that OP can save a substantial amount (perhaps the difference between what they earn). So, to use round figures. If she earns £50 000 and he earns £ 20 000 then they pool £40 000 and save £30 000. That way they'll build up a deposit to buy a property rather than going for the most expensive private rental they can afford.


If the relationship lasts then they have a good cushion to move forward. If it doesn't then OP has her savings. It might even be possible for the partner to save a bit too. I think it would be unfair to push him into accommodation that was beyond his means.


Depending on the reason he has a low income then maybe he'll earn more in the future and they can rethink.

skint_chick

I think it sounds like one way of making the situation work - but you should probably have a chat with him and ask him if he has another idea. He might prefer to pay 50/50 in which case you need to see if you can rent someone for that budget. Maybe you can pay a larger share of the rent but split the bills in half. Whatever you agree to do, if you don't want a joint account then you need to figure out who will pay what and how. It might be worth considering a joint bills account with no overdraft so you keep your separate accounts for wages and just have a joint account to pay joint bills that you can both pay into and both have online access to - so you both know bills are being paid and you both have access to a debit card to buy groceries etc while the other one is at work/out.

I think as long as you talk about it and agree to review the situation if there are pay rises/issues then whatever you agree is what goes. It doesn't matter what other people do. I would also agree on things like joint holidays, friends staying over or coming round, how often you'll organise the finances (we have a fortnightly review as OH is paid every 2wks but I keep an eye on the accounts every couple of days), family visiting you and you visiting them if they're not close by, and who will do what around the house. I hate that my husband is quite lazy and will only tidy if I actually ask and then I have to remind him most of the time. Best to avoid that situation even occurring!

DCFC79

prosaver wrote: »

i suppose relationships are built on trust,
Why dont you take it in turns to stay at each other place and if things turn ok get married.
If you got place and if it didnt work out after year imagin all the agro of moving again ..big urghs
if things go wrong
wasnt ment to be
, good luck anyways , hope it last

Maybe this would be an option for you OP ?

Not saying you 2 living together wont work out but if you rent a place and test the water you could save yourself some agro.

But if you decide buying a property is what you want then just keep things simple and go 50 50.

Dird

They're only dating & renting, I don't see why people are suggesting they financially link themselves already. A friend from high school started a mortgage with his girlfriend around 1 year ago, now she has to buy out his stake.

Firstly, I'd do it on net, not gross pay because a lot more of your money will be lost on taxes.
Agree to have 1 account for bills (in 1 of your names, not linked) and both pay in. If net salary split is 30-70 then it's easy enough to work out potential rent options & if they're acceptable. Work out the obvious bills (council, water, gas, internet) and deduct 30% of that cost from his net pay + his other expenses (food, phone) then you can get an idea of how much he can contribute as his 30% & how much your total rent could be.

Snugglepuss

Wow - loads of replies - thank you all for taking the time! I've not been online over the weekend hence the silence from me - but I really appreciate your thoughts.


In terms of salaries I'm on over £50k and he's on minimum wage. (He has certain health issues that mean he's not going to be earning any more than this in the future.)


For some reason I've always been in relationships with people where I've been the main earner. I'm naturally a generous person, and my instinct is 'well I can afford it so I'll just pay'. Unfortunately this has been soundly taken advantage of in the past, leaving me with significant problems, so I'm determined not to do this to myself now.


I'm also, because of this, not prepared to start financially linking us until we know that living together works. We've been dating for almost a year, and it's time to see if the next step works. Future longevity is obviously something we want, but we've both had bad experiences in the past so we're both cautious. (We're in our early 40's.)


Rent wise he currently shares with his brother as a council tenant and pays around £200 per month. I pay £950 per month for my 1 bed flat. Either of us moving in with the other to current places just doesn't work because of space and other logistics - and I'd like to have somewhere bigger anyway. I massively downsized when I moved to Bristol 2 years ago and I've realised I really am missing the space.


But thank you for pointing out the flaws in the percentage split idea. I'm trying to balance wanting somewhere that I want to live in (something big enough for both of us!) with my natural generosity, while protecting my own interests financially in case it doesn't work.


I'm thinking now that I need to rent somewhere that I can afford by myself and then there's no dependency on him financially. Don't worry about joint effort - he would actually make the perfect full time house husband! His housework efforts put me to shame and he actively enjoys it so I'm more than willing to let him do that!


Thanks again for all the replies.

rpc

Snugglepuss wrote: »

At this stage we are not going to have joint accounts etc - we need to find out if we can live together or not before we head down that road. I know the ideal of all money being in one single pot - and I'd love to get there again.

You can run a joint account without putting everything in it.

When my wife and I first moved in together, we set up a joint account just for bills. Later on that expanded to cover joint entertainments (meals out, etc) and it gradually expanded. But to start with it was just bills.

So work out what your bills are, pay them from the joint account and then fund that account in line with your desired percentages. It gives a bit more flexibility than allocating different bills to each other - you don't need to rejig everything when the utility company puts your DD up, you just change two standing orders.

LMH67

Me & the hubby have been together for 17 years and still have the same arrangements as when we moved in together after 12 months.

We set up a joint account for all household bills & incidentials that we would both share but most importantly, also kept our own sole bank accounts.

We worked out what we would need to service the household bills a month plus a bit for emergencies then worked out percentage wise what each was earning. This has moved up and down over that time from 50/50 to 60/40 etc when my earnings went down a bit (I contract).

Any significant extras like hols etc, we would contribute from our own bank accounts 50/50 with both of us occasionally 'treating' the other if we were flushed or just felt like it.

We've never found any issue with this as we both trust each other implicitly - at the end of day we would both pay up if either of us needed it but it's nice to know I don't have to justify any additional spending of my own or feel like I'm taking advantage of my husband's bank balance. If he want's to buy a new camera, we'll discuss it and vice versa, if I want that new coat, we'll have a chat but it's up to each of us.

clairesilverspar

We split everything 50/50, but we made sure we found a place we could both comfortably afford half of, without leaving either of us with nothing (I'm the higher earner) - I let him suggest the budget based on what he was comfortable with.


Bear in mind that while you might be able to afford a place which is more expensive, a bigger home invites bigger bills, and 30% of a bigger bill might be more than a small income can afford.


We'll be pooling finances once we're married in March, but find it easier to go with the status quo for the moment - we've each got bills in our own names, and if one person needs a bit more to cover the bills, then they ask. Its all gone a bit more blurred than the 50/50 we started out aiming for, but we're fine with it so it's all good.


At the end of the day, everyone does things differently, and as long as both of you are happy with the way you are doing it, and it works well without leaving either person in debt/struggling, then go for it. Just make sure everyone knows how it works and is happy, so no resentment builds for either party. Maybe try it out and revisit it in a few months to check everything is still ok?

prosaver

Snugglepuss wrote: »

Wow - loads of replies - thank you all for taking the time! I've not been online over the weekend hence the silence from me - but I really appreciate your thoughts.


In terms of salaries I'm on over £50k and he's on minimum wage. (He has certain health issues that mean he's not going to be earning any more than this in the future.)


For some reason I've always been in relationships with people where I've been the main earner. I'm naturally a generous person, and my instinct is 'well I can afford it so I'll just pay'. Unfortunately this has been soundly taken advantage of in the past, leaving me with significant problems, so I'm determined not to do this to myself now.




I'm thinking now that I need to rent somewhere that I can afford by myself and then there's no dependency on him financially. Don't worry about joint effort - he would actually make the perfect full time house husband! His housework efforts put me to shame and he actively enjoys it so I'm more than willing to let him do that!


Thanks again for all the replies.

I

read this about being a house husband.. doomed ..
heres a clippet..
Whereas before I’d thrived on the electricity of the boardroom, and success made me feel sexy, I took to padding about the house in slippers and a fleece top with scrambled egg down it. I looked like a hermit, and lost my mojo.
I just didn’t feel sexy, and went into retreat when it came to the physical side of our relationship. My sex life became ‘what sex life?’, and I was increasingly irritable with Di.
Whereas before we had laughed our way through the shared blunders of early parenthood, we now had blazing rows — all started by me — if she dared to criticise meaningless things, like how much tomato ketchup Sonny was allowed.
I downloaded Bagpuss, a childhood favourite of mine, and watched it with Sonny, but when Di told me off for using TV to keep him quiet, I went berserk, saying, ‘What right have you to criticise how I parent? I’m the one stuck here doing it!’
Finances were another source of stress between us. Even though I had plenty of money in the bank, I refused to spend any, thinking: ‘Why should I pay for the groceries when Di’s the one working?’ Then she’d get home, tired from work, to find there was no bread and milk.
The shocking truth is, being a stay-at-home dad can have a terrible effect on relationships, as divorce lawyer Vanessa Lloyd Platt has witnessed


Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2182970/Why-stay-home-dad-quickest-way-kill-sex-life-lead-wives-stray.html#ixzz4PKevxpCS
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