Foster carer sounding off

conradmum

I cannot believe people can be so heartless and inconsiderate of children's feelings.

How can it possibly be good for them to have no contact at all with people who have been their family for years? There should be a requirement that adoptive parents maintain a minimum specified level of contact (say 3 hours per week) for the first five years or something. Surely this is best for the mental and emotional well being of the child?

lizf1

Thanks for all replies and encouragement. There is no letterbox contact in place as new adopters don't want it. I feel really the problem is their insecurities. But i think i did a good job in preparing her for the move and she would cope with it fine. You will always bond with some children more than others and she was special. It hurts.

snowmaid

conradmum wrote: »

I cannot believe people can be so heartless and inconsiderate of children's feelings.

How can it possibly be good for them to have no contact at all with people who have been their family for years? There should be a requirement that adoptive parents maintain a minimum specified level of contact (say 3 hours per week) for the first five years or something. Surely this is best for the mental and emotional well being of the child?

This is exactly what I was thinking. I think that while fostering a child for a few weeks etc is acceptable and understandable, I think it is sinful to leave a child with a family for 4 years, let them get secure and love the family, and then move them on to strangers!! How awful! I know that fostering is necessary, but surely this type of situation shouldn't be allowed. I think it is so cruel towards the child!!! Uprooting them like that and then no contact with the foster parents!! Its shameful and I think doing much more damage than leaving them in an orphanage etc.

lindens

lizf1 wrote: »

I have been a foster carer for 7 years now and fostered about 5 children. The most recent was with me for 2 years before moving on to be adopted, she was 2 when she came. We all miss her terribly especially my daughter who is 10. She said I had lied to her the other day as I had said we would have contact but the new adopters don't want any. I feel people adopting should be given advice on the matter as it affects the adopted child also , she must think my birth mum has gone out my life now my foster carer what's the point getting to know these people. This has been so difficult i feel guilty towards the foster child and to my own daughter, i don't think i can do any more fostering. Social Workers don't offer much support either.

I have no experience of this kind of thing, but as a mother i feel for you and your family especially your little girl who maybe does not understand fully.
An idea i had was maybe put a memory book together like a photo album/scrap book. put in photos, tickets, etc of the good times you had together with this little girl, you and your daughter together could do this. and then say to her when she is missing the foster girl she can look through it with fond memories.
It maybe too late for that foster girl but maybe something you could do for future foster children.
I do agree with the other posters that it does not appear to be handled very well with the adoptive parents

emmie1234

Hi,Just wanted to send you a big hug. We adopted our daughter almost three years ago, she had been living with her foster carer since she was a baby. During introductions, we made friends with littlies FC. We have letterbox contact with BP's and direct contact with siblings twice a year, which we had to agree to and sign a contract for. Nothing was ever set up formally for contact with FC, however we do keep in regular contact with one another through letters and phone calls and we visit occasionally too. FC lives over 100 miles away, so regular contact isn't easy. At home we keep a picture of dd with fc on display so she always has that reminder there all the time. DD's FC was such a huge part of our DD's life before she came to us and we just feel that on going contact is extremely important. She was the first person to see DD take her first steps, say her first word etc and she is the only one who can relay funny little stories back to her/us about things she did through her early years, something we would never be able to do. We have a life story book for DD with loads of photos of her FC and extended family which we look through all the time.

FC do such a wonderful job and I feel that they should be included when contracts are set up for contact with the kids they cared for.

I sincerely hope you manage to get something sorted out.:)

mae

lizf1 wrote: »

Thanks for all replies and encouragement. There is no letterbox contact in place as new adopters don't want it. I feel really the problem is their insecurities. But i think i did a good job in preparing her for the move and she would cope with it fine. You will always bond with some children more than others and she was special. It hurts.

What a lucky child having you as a foster carer, you prepared her for the move and hopefully you have given her a really good grounding for the future. The thing is now you and your daughter have been left with this hole and it sounds like at the moment its very raw. Would it help to do a scrap book together of memories and good times you shared with the little girl, it will give you quality time with your daughter and time and space to talk about your feelings together.

Also is it possible you could write to the adoptive parents (via social services) and explain how you and your daughter feel and that you do not want to interfere but would just like to be able to keep a link?

I feel sad that this happens to foster carers and their famililes and also to the children and I hope things improve with this system very soon to protect future relationships.

LilMissEmmylou

emmie1234 - thats such a great way to look at it. I feel sad for the poster losing contact, and the others in the same situation. it all seems so harsh and uncalled for not just for the FC but for the children. Surely they have to realise that at some point and change the rules. I admire FCs, but i could never do it myself - adoption is something id love to do for slightly older children if im able to in the future, but if i had this situation i would most certainly let the child keep in contact!

lizf1

Thanks again for replies. I think things would not seem so bad now if the adopters did not say during introductions that they would keep contact going, they thought it was very important for all. I think that's why I feel so guilty because I told the fc we would see each other again, she must not have much trust in adults now. I feel on the day they leave it's so emotional anyway with sw new adopters and bags of clothes all in the house and I was trying to hold things together you don't really get the chance to say good-bye properly. My daughter has an album with memories of her and fc which she holds very dear. I feel what hurts her most is the fact that we adopted her when she was 2 and we still see her fc 8 years on, maybe that's what helped her grow into such a happy well adjusted child now.

mae

Awe this is so unfair on all of you. Are you sure the socil workers wouldn't pass on a letter to the new parents from you , then you would have chance to express your concerns?

Sola

I was fostered before I was adopted; my foster and adoptive mother exchanged a couple of letters during the process, but it was all done via the adoption agency and neither could contact the other directly (I've seen the letters).

The move now for fostering and adoption is towards openness and continued contact. I'm so sorry this situation is causing your family pain. Please don't give up fostering - it's such a valuable thing to do.