Foster carer sounding off

lizf1

I have been a foster carer for 7 years now and fostered about 5 children. The most recent was with me for 2 years before moving on to be adopted, she was 2 when she came. We all miss her terribly especially my daughter who is 10. She said I had lied to her the other day as I had said we would have contact but the new adopters don't want any. I feel people adopting should be given advice on the matter as it affects the adopted child also , she must think my birth mum has gone out my life now my foster carer what's the point getting to know these people. This has been so difficult i feel guilty towards the foster child and to my own daughter, i don't think i can do any more fostering. Social Workers don't offer much support either.

patchwork_cat

Oh dear, that isn't up to a lot. I thought that there were guidelines on everything like this. I can see that in the long run to minimise contact might be a good thing, but I can also see the other side of the coin.

I really would have thought that psychologists would have a lot to say about this.

Your 10 year old is old enough to understand that you have no control and that you had hoped to keep contact. She is hitting out at you because she is hurting and doesn't realise that you are hurting too.

Was the potential lack of contact not explained to you when you started fostering? Now you know this will you continue to foster?

alanalea

I really really feel for you

My parents were foster carers, specialising in 'troubled teens' pregnant teens and babies. The last little one they had was 3 days old and we had him for nearly 4 years. 2 Days before we were due to adopt him, his birth fathers sister steps up and says she wanted him- she lived 15 minutes from us and had never seen him.

It was like loosing a little brother for me, like loosing their own child for my parents. We were warned to not to try and keep in contact we him, because she didn't want to answer any awkward questions in later life.

Social services offered no help or sympathy to my parents at all- all they kept on saying was 'He was always only supposed to be a fostered child- never adopted by us.' Even after 4 years!

My parents have never fostered since.

AnnieH

Oh liz that's heartbreaking (((((hugs)))) to you and your daughter. you have known this little girl from being a baby. Bless that must be so hard. I'm so sorry.

Savvy_Sue

I know it's nothing like 'real' contact, but is there no letterbox scheme in place?

lcrp53

I Know this does not help your current problems.. however don't give up on fostering. If you have all that experience go to an organisation that will offer you the support you need. There are loads of Independent fostering agencies who can do the job properly. Try iwanttofoster.com for a start.

frannyann

How awful for you, social services have acted very badly. There are new guidelines about maintaining contact bewteen "significant relationships" especially between your daughter and the little girl. I personally would ask that in future social services bear in mind your wish to keep in contact. As adoptive parents doing have to maintain these contacts if its in the best interests of the child, they can't just decide to remove these people from the childs life to "avoid difficult questions"

looneyleo

Fostering is very tough at times. My parents have fostered many children for over 20 years, they are in their late 50's/60's and continue to foster which I have deep respect for as a mother of 2 of my own now! You should have a discussion with your link social worker and explain your feelings and get support with this. Don't turn your back on fostering without trying to sort this out. Fostering is hard as ultimately you do have to say goodbye and that isn't for everyone, but at least try to resolve this matter with the social worker. Good luck...

nixinix

Can I say well done for being a foster carer, you have my greatest respsect.

I used to work for an IFA and my job was recruiting Foster Carers and (the good ones) are selfless, generous and wonderful people. Unfortunately it can be a thankless task - but yet still you offer your home to youngsters who are in need.

I have no words of wisdom given your current situation but please don't let it discourage you, there are many other children out there who need the help of good foster carers.

I can only hope that you use your skills to explain to your daughter that unfortunately some things are out of your control and that you feel disapointed as well, but that you have both made a huge difference to your foster childs life and she will be stronger and will benefit greatly as a result of your families love and care.

As an earlier poster said there are many independent agencies and you may find you receive more support from them than with LA.

If you are based in the midlands I would reccomend talking to Pathway Care (incidently not the IFA I used to work for, and I receive no benefit in any kind from recommending them, I just trust the ethics of the manager of the Midlands branch).

Please continue with your wonderful career if you are able and carry on the good work.

Jennifer_Jane

How heartbreaking this is for everyone. I just wanted to add that I think all caring foster parents are wonderful people doing such a fabulous thing, which is important and has implications for us all. So just to say - thank you to all of you. So ((((hugs)))) and thanks

Jen
x

fsdss

my parents fostered 2 boys when we were small they were 0 & 2, they lived with us for 11/13 years and when my dad died (i was 15) they were removed immediately before the funeral because "they dont foster to single parents". they boys were eventually adopted but me and my siblings have never had any contact with them. it heartbreaking i know. and i keep popping into friends / genes reunited to find them but no such luck.
social services state that we cannot have postbox contact - neither will they accept a letter for them. its a disgrace really