Need a shoulder to lean on...

anni999

I don't really know why I'm posting here. It's not like anyone can change what's happened but maybe writing it down will help me in some way.

So I am a 31 year old mummy to a beautiful baby boy who is now 18 weeks old. I didn't have a great childhood for many reasons that I wont get in to but literally getting married and having a family to love was all I ever wanted. When I got married in May 2015, I was the happiest I could have ever been. I went through bad depression in my late teens and I never thought I could ever be that happy again as I was on my wedding day. I had an amazing man, who loved me and wanted the same things as me and we were about to start our lives together after 5 amazing years together. We had an amazing summer in 2015, going on honeymoon, going to other friends weddings (I'm at that age now!) and we then decided to try for a baby. That's when it all went wrong.

I fell pregnant in September 2015 and we were both so excited! My hubby wanted a baby just as much as I did and we couldn't wait to be a family. But I had the usual first trimester side effects. I was exhausted and felt like I was going to be sick all the time. It really took it's toll and I spent most nights getting in from work and going straight to bed! I was crying every day and I wondered if that was just part of being hormonal or whether my depression were coming back. But we had my first scan on Christmas eve and I was looking forward to the rest of the pregnancy without so much sickness! My mum, dad and sister came and stayed at our house for Christmas last year and all was well, until Christmas eve night. I was sat next to my hubby on the sofa and could see he was messaging someone on his phone but wasn't sure who. This is unusual for him, as he doesn't message many people. Anyway, there's an ex called Claire who he sometimes talks to so I presumed it was her. When I went to bed around 8pm, I was curious so went on his facebook on my phone to look at the messages. It wasn't Claire. It was someone called Hannah and he had been sitting next to me messaging her saying he wanted to be sat cuddling her on the sofa and things like that. I felt sick. Tears streaming down my face. I couldn't believe that 7 months into our marriage, he was messaging other women. He is literally the last guy you would ever think to do something like this. My hubby came up to bed around 10ish and caught me crying, so I confronted him. He cried, said he was so sorry, wouldn't happen again etc so we carried on over Christmas, pretending nothing had happened to my family but secretly I was crying whenever I was alone. We got through it, and I returned to work after Christmas, but it still felt like he was messaging someone. I thought I was being paranoid after what happened and thought I was going crazy! But I just couldn't shake that feeling, so I got hold of his phone one morning and just as I feared, he had now saved her number under a guys name and was messaging her on whatsapp. I was devastated. Told him out marriage was over and kicked him out.

I spent the next few days just crying and crying. I was in my 2nd trimester and couldn't believe this had happened so soon into our marriage. He messaged me after about 3 days and asked to meet up and talk, which I did. He said he was so sorry and only wanted me and wanted to come home. I agreed and said I would try to forgive him and he moved back home. But it really hit me hard, and probably that combined with the hormones in pregnancy, I was very depressed. I couldn't get out of bed, get a shower or leave the house. My hubby encouraged me to speak to the professionals and I was started on anti depressants. My hubby constantly told me how guilty he felt and how he felt it was his fault. It was tough, but slowly, I learnt to try and trust him again. I let him go out with friends and believed everything was ok. We had our baby at the end of June and I couldn't have been happier. I immediately felt better and like I was back to myself again. I was so happy to finally have my baby, not be pregnant anymore and be a family! Things were looking up!

After my hubby went back to work after paternity, my hubby was stressed at work and kept phoning me saying that the girl who he'd been chatting to at work kept coming up to him and pestering him. The situation annoyed me, but he was planning on leaving and starting his own business so we were biding our time really. Things seemed to be getting back on track between us, until a few weeks ago when he phoned me from work and said this girl was coming up to him at work and threatening to talk to me unless he 'told me what really happened'. So I said, well did anything else happen? And he admitted he'd been back to her house. I asked if they had sex and he said 'everything but'.

He came straight home and we talked. He said he had spent the time at her house after a night out in February and then they carried on messaging until our son was born. Then he realised he didn't want that and stopped it. I was obviously devastated but we had a son now so I wanted to try and make it work. He said it would do what ever it takes and suggested we have counselling to try and work through it.

We carried on for a couple of weeks. Some days I was ok and other days I felt awful. Then I got curious again and last week decided to check his emails. I found naked pictures and videos of her masturbating that had been sent as recently as August. He had lied, AGAIN. I confronted him and turns out he did sleep with her that night when he said he didn't and things carried on until 6 weeks ago when he ended it. He says he loves me more than ever and is truely sorry but to be honest, I'm out of chances and don't know how to believe him anymore.

We are booked in for our counselling session on Monday and I've said he can stay in the spare room until then and then I'll see how I feel but I literally just feel broken and like I can't take anymore. I'm already on anti depressants and this has hit me like a brick. Some days I feel it would be better if I wasn't here anymore. I'm never going to get my happy ending and I'm not in a fit state to look after my son so they'd be better of without me. Then other days, I feel like I can try and work through this. I'm just so confused and I can't make a decision when I'm sleep deprived (son is going through 4 month sleep regression).

To make matters worse. What do I do when I can't cope with things? I drink (a lot) and spend money on crap food and clothes and I'm spending money we don't have. We have a very tight budget (still paying for our wedding and house we've brought and decorated before our son was born) and I'm just going into our overdraft to buy wine and fatty food which makes me feel better for all of 10 minutes! Then I'm even more depressed because I'm getting us into debt!

So I'm sitting here, having drunk half a bottle of wine, some baileys and now some gin. My husband has taken our son out for a few hours, so I'm just here contemplating how * my life is!!!!!!!!! Anyway, I guess I want to know how I can stop spending whilst I'm feeling like this? Anyone any ideas? I wish I didn't have myself these pity parties

PeacefulWaters

The two things I suggest:

1. Stop drinking and avoid any other addictive behaviours. Eat healthily and get some exercise, even if it's just short walks.

2. Give the counselling a go. Be honest within the sessions. Be prepared to accept that your feelings may change during the process.

Despite having endured my ex-partner having affairs, I can't begin to comprehend how you just feel.

Look after yourself. There's no shame if you get to the end of the counselling process and decide to end the relationship. Equally, no shame if you decide to make a go of it. Either way, value yourself, your emotions and your feelings.

Good luck.

swingaloo

First of all, whenever you reach for a drink again stop and think about your little boy. You cant care for him properly if you are drinking.

Your husband has been cheating repeatedly and lying to you and its all contributing to how you are feeling. You need to turn to your family for support rather than a bottle and certainly not a mix of wine and spirits.

Counselling will help you decide if you want to give him another chance and make a go of your marriage but if you decide to seperate then you do not want him adding to the mix by saying you are an unfit mother because of the drinking. Neither do you want to end up in a lot of debt as that will pile more worry on you.

'Some days I feel it would be better if I was not here any more'

Really, well maybe you do but your child certainly would not be better off, he needs his mum and he needs her sober.

People go through separation and get their lives back together and become stronger as a couple. Others decide that they can no longer be together. Even if your husband promises the earth and says he will change it will be difficult for you to trust him again for a very long time.

Dont let him make this about you or your previous depression. He has let you down badly and you are going to need to be strong both for yourself and for your son.

If the end result is separation and divorce then it still does not mean that you will never get your happy ending. It just means that it will not be with this man. Times are going to be tough but you can get there.

You may benefit from seeing your doctor to make sure your medication is right, your hormones will still be playing up. This does not mean that any of this mess is because of the way you feel but the doctor may be able to adjust your anti depressants to help you cope. A much better route than a bottle.

I wish you all the best. x

enthusiasticsaver

Counselling will help you come to terms with this and hard as it is you must stop the drinking. It will make it harder for you to stay healthy to care for your son who should be your priority now.

I don't have any advice about your husband except if it were me I would struggle to trust him again after all this.

I am assuming you don't have close family as you said you did not have the best childhood. Do you have any close friends who could support you?

krlyr

First of all - you have good reason to feel down! The one person in your life you expected to be there forever has let you down, on more than one occasion. And who would you probably talk to about your problems - him, yet you probably feel you can't tell him all your feelings about the situation.

Give the counselling a go. Bear in mind that it's not necessarily just about getting back together - the counselling might make you both decide the relationship is over, and it could help you move on. Only you two can decide that though. Also consider that the counselling doesn't have to be both of you - sometimes individual sessions can be helpful, too.

You have had your life turned upside down, you've got a whole load of hormones all over the place, you're probably lacking in sleep, stressing about the baby...those all make it perfectly normal to be feeling a bit of self pity and doubt. Take what help you can get to get yourself through this - be it help from your GP, a counsellor, friends and family. Don't feel like you have to be strong all the time, you need to face those emotions to get through/over/past them.

harrys_nan

anni999
Please go for counselling and give it a try,you do need help, not just for you but def for your sanity.
I cannot begin to understand what you going through and I thought I had had in tough in my past. speak to anyone you feel you can trust, your doctor for one.
Whenever you feel low, pop on here, there will always be someone on here to chat to.
Please look after yourself x

jessegee

Anni, good advice from the good people on this site.
Just want to add my support , it sounds like he's an addicted cheater dear, he obviously can't help himself, that's a common affliction, I'm not sure they will ever change, and you may decide you have more important things on your plate than looking after a naughty little boy who won't behave, like your darling son.
Ive been there, and realised I couldn't do it alone, reach out for all the help you can get, surround yourself with good honest people, and understanding professionals, life is like fixing up a house, step by step, you'll do it.
There's a great book every gal should read, changed my life , stopped me feeling like a victim, I got better at life xxxxx

Best wishes and good luck

Gavin de Becker - The Gift of Fear, sometimes on eBay cheap.

Rachylou1981

Sorry to hear about your troubles, sounds like such a bad situation. However, I wondered about a few things:

Does your OH say why he started cheating? If you were happy before, did anything change? Do you think it was the commitment of marriage/baby? Or is it possible he has always cheated but you just didn't see it or know about it before? Sorry I know that sounds awful but if things were so great for so long then I wonder if something has triggered the behaviour. Not condoning his behaviour at all either, he is disgusting for cheating on whilst pregnant and then after with a small child :mad:

Regarding the drinking, definitely stop this, especially when you are on anti-depressants too. Drinking is a depressant and will never ever make you feel better. Rubbish food is clearly a comfort and whilst unhealthy, it's much better than alcohol if you need a crutch. A healthy eating plan/diet such as Weightwatchers or Slimming World could help in this area too, give you something to focus on.

Good luck with the counselling, definitely worth a go. You may find out things that you didn't know about how your partner feels and also how he views your life together.

Do any of your friends and family know what's going on? You sound like you need more support around you and help with the baby. Don't be afraid of telling them the truth. This isn't something to hide or be ashamed of, it's real life and it's not always easy or pretty.

For those saying her baby is in danger, the father is clearly there too and so I am sure he is completely fine. Fathers are capable of doing the same role as the mother.

mark5

Rachylou1981 wrote: »

Sorry to hear about your troubles, sounds like such a bad situation. However, I wondered about a few things:

Does your OH say why he started cheating? If you were happy before, did anything change? Do you think it was the commitment of marriage/baby? Or is it possible he has always cheated but you just didn't see it or know about it before? Sorry I know that sounds awful but if things were so great for so long then I wonder if something has triggered the behaviour. Not condoning his behaviour at all either, he is disgusting for cheating on whilst pregnant and then after with a small child :mad:

Regarding the drinking, definitely stop this, especially when you are on anti-depressants too. Drinking is a depressant and will never ever make you feel better. Rubbish food is clearly a comfort and whilst unhealthy, it's much better than alcohol if you need a crutch. A healthy eating plan/diet such as Weightwatchers or Slimming World could help in this area too, give you something to focus on.

Good luck with the counselling, definitely worth a go. You may find out things that you didn't know about how your partner feels and also how he views your life together.

Do any of your friends and family know what's going on? You sound like you need more support around you and help with the baby. Don't be afraid of telling them the truth. This isn't something to hide or be ashamed of, it's real life and it's not always easy or pretty.

For those saying her baby is in danger, the father is clearly there too and so I am sure he is completely fine. Fathers are capable of doing the same role as the mother.

She was pregnant and sick a lot, the sex and intimacy probably dried up and someone at work offered what he was missing at home, personally with so many stages of cheating I would want out if I were in the Op's position.

OP with a history of mental health can you afford to be in a relationship with someone who treats you like this, I doubt you will ever trust him properly again, if you did you wouldn't check his phone and if you catch him out in the future what will it do to you?

-taff

It's not your fault your husband decided to cheat on you, that is his fault, he deliberately kept it from you so there wasn't a way you could try sorting things out. Then he did it again and again and again.

You're unhappy because you're idea of a perfect life with a husband and child is going down the pan.
Not a surprise you're depressed and drinking and eating rubbish. That;s how a lot of people react to a massive change in their lives.

You can't change what he did, you can't trust him, you're not sure he'll ever be trustworthy and you're knackered after having a baby.

Accept some stuff has happened, accept your life may turn out the way you desperately want it to.
Get some counselling for yourself if necessary and drinking, I know from experience doesn't help you come to terms with anything, but it does dull everything so you're not constantly thinking about it. Try excercise instead, go for a walk, get out of the house, take the baby, join a meet up group or new mother group and see what happens.

Zeni

So many issues with the assumptions and the blame with this. I'm sorry but he married her and committed his life to hers, if he couldn't handle the fact that she was suffering with her pregnancy and had to immediately cheat then I fail to see how that is her fault.

Anyway to the OP, I cant imagine how hard this is for you. I hope you are keeping in touch with your family and talking to them about this. You have given him so many chances and and every time he has let you down be failing to be truly honest. . It's sad he only finally revealed the full truth after this girl 'threatened' to beat him to it. I admire that you are going to counselling and finding a way to make it work. I think in this situation you have to do everything possible to find the outcome that you can live with and that will put you in a healthy spot to help you be the best parent you can be... even if that means if that's without him being your husband. You got to, for the sake of you and your child, find another outlet at the moment rather than alcohol and spending momeny you dont have as you know these are only short term fixes that will just draw you into a cycle you cant escape. Think long term, Think you and your gorgeous baby being happy and healthy. Good luck OP