Is it possible to overcome rejection?

System

She's not rejected you again. She's processing thoughts and feelings. Give her some space.

Leave the next move up to her.

Lunar_Eclipse

mrsskinto wrote: »

Just after other people's thoughts really, am I being childish and inconsiderate about others.

Now this is where I'm struggling - surely it's my feelings, the hurt, rejection I have felt all my life surpasses her feelings, as far as I am concerned she gave up her right about feelings the day she give me up?

You are being (understandably) inconsiderate.

No-one's feelings ever surpass another person's and whilst your birth mother no doubt gave up a lot when she gave you up for adoption, her feelings were obviously not one of those things. In fact they have probably haunted her ever since.

The reunion has been difficult for both of you. As one would expect. In many ways it would be harder for her theoretically, since she was the one who caused this and having made a significant decision all those years ago, is facing you now all these years later. Can you imagine how that would feel? As a parent you can probably understand how traumatic it would be to give up a child. The fact most people say 'there is no way I would ever do that' proves this point. However, I appreciate you had no say in any of this and are obviously still very angry and hurt by what she did. Don't be the victim though; life deals us hands and how we play them is everything.

You were lucky to have been raised in a loving family. It sounds like you had a good childhood. You don't mention whether your birth mother has had a similar positive life without you (which will affect her overall happiness/general emotional state.)

I'm not sure where the relationship with your birth mother goes from here. She hasn't said she doesn't want to see you, but if it sadly comes to that, please do not take it as a second rejection. It would be a reflection of her and her alone, perhaps not being able to deal with the fact she gave you up all those years ago. Guilt really is unbearable and can drive people insane.

Please try to stay positive about all the good things you have in your life. Your birth mother might be a completely broken woman. You can choose whether this breaks you.

I'm sorry if this message seems insensitive, it isn't meant to. You asked for some perspective, hence the 'skew' in this direction. I wish you all the best for a very happy outcome. I do understand how hurt you are.

mrsskinto

To answer a few questions, yes, it was one of the first things which was discussed the reasons leading up to the adoption and ultimately the reason why birth mother could not keep me. Whilst I did and still do respect those decisions it is still hard to accept as I was not the first born, but, was the one who was adopted.

Over the last few years we have regularly spoken about the impact of each other's emotions and I feel, did and have supported each other, as I am fully aware it was traumatic for my birth mother at the time.

In no way do I feel like I'm trying to blackmail birth mother and reading through and analysing the comments received maybe I am trying to have a relationship with birth mother like I have had with adoptive mother.

I am grateful to all who have responded and have taken the points raised on board and do agree that perhaps further counselling will help. I feel that I will have to wrap the thread up now, as I could be easily identified through it, but again it has helped to have others perspective on it, which already has helped my mindset.

Thank you x

seven-day-weekend

I also found my birth mother four years ago, and whilst we do have a friendly relationship and I am glad we got to know each other, I don't think she will ever be 'mum', as that was the dear lady who brought me up. We have so little in common, no memories, different tastes,; yes we can make new memories, but I am in my 60s and she is in her eighties, there is so much gone before when we did not know each other, that I doubt that we will ever have the typical mother-daughter relationship, although I see her regularly and feel responsible for her.


Whilst I understand how you feel, I think you must also accept that she has feelings too about the adoption. My own mother has never told me the name of my birth father, all she has said is that he was 'no good'. It is obviously painful to her so I haven't mentioned it again. I don't suppose I will ever know. And it is things like this that adopted people often have missing in their lives, no matter how happy they were with their adopted family. For half of my life I knew no-one with my blood, or who looked like me. Then I had my son, who has my blood but looks like his father

Then when I traced my mother, who I don't really resemble physically, I also found I had a birth Aunt, who was my blood AND looked like me!

Anyway I'm waffling, just wanted to say that I think it is always going to be a 'different' relationship to the one you had with your adoptive mum, and your birth mum too needs time, to come to terms with the past.

Wishing you well. xx

TonyMMM

I have seen quite a number of birth family reunions - the truth is (unlike the image of Long Lost Families) is that most follow a very standard pattern.

After an initial rush of excitement, they settle down into occasional and then sporadic contact and sometimes peter out altogether. It is sad - but few that I have seen (out of many) have resulted in a real permanent family relationship.

As one adoptee told me after making contact with his birth mother and extended family - he just wanted to know what happened and where he came from - after those questions had been answered he and his birth family had no "shared history" and contact quickly faded away to now being just birthday/Christmas cards. But he is glad he went through the process, just to answer those questions about his own origins.

Nicki

I'm sure you didn't mean to be insensitive Jo jo but adoptees are constantly being told they were chosen and most of us find this at best naive and at most quite offensive.

I'm not sure how you imagine the adoption process works/worked. It isn't like going to Battersea and choosing the puppy you want to take home. Adoptees are usually allocated as a consolation prize to couples who couldn't have children of their own at least in an arms length adoption as OPs was. They didn't choose us at all, they chose to be parents and got the first unwanted child which became available when they reached the top of the waiting list.

I know for a fact that my adoptive parents did not see me or know anything about me before I was adopted as I have seen my adoption file. I was fostered after I was born whilst social services carried out background checks and waited to see if my birth mother would sign the final adoption papers and then my adoptive parents were phoned and told that I was ready for collection from social services offices. They certainly didn't actively choose me over any other child, they just chose a second best solution to their infertility issues. Clearly that was a better outcome for me than a life in a children's home or having been aborted but there was no element of selection in the whole process

seven-day-weekend

Nicki wrote: »

I'm sure you didn't mean to be insensitive Jo jo but adoptees are constantly being told they were chosen and most of us find this at best naive and at most quite offensive.

I'm not sure how you imagine the adoption process works/worked. It isn't like going to Battersea and choosing the puppy you want to take home. Adoptees are usually allocated as a consolation prize to couples who couldn't have children of their own at least in an arms length adoption as OPs was. They didn't choose us at all, they chose to be parents and got the first unwanted child which became available when they reached the top of the waiting list.

I know for a fact that my adoptive parents did not see me or know anything about me before I was adopted as I have seen my adoption file. I was fostered after I was born whilst social services carried out background checks and waited to see if my birth mother would sign the final adoption papers and then my adoptive parents were phoned and told that I was ready for collection from social services offices. They certainly didn't actively choose me over any other child, they just chose a second best solution to their infertility issues. Clearly that was a better outcome for me than a life in a children's home or having been aborted but there was no element of selection in the whole process

My adoptive parents had a choice of me or another baby. They chose me.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Nicki wrote: »

I'm sure you didn't mean to be insensitive Jo jo but adoptees are constantly being told they were chosen and most of us find this at best naive and at most quite offensive.

I'm not sure how you imagine the adoption process works/worked. It isn't like going to Battersea and choosing the puppy you want to take home. Adoptees are usually allocated as a consolation prize to couples who couldn't have children of their own at least in an arms length adoption as OPs was. They didn't choose us at all, they chose to be parents and got the first unwanted child which became available when they reached the top of the waiting list.

I know for a fact that my adoptive parents did not see me or know anything about me before I was adopted as I have seen my adoption file. I was fostered after I was born whilst social services carried out background checks and waited to see if my birth mother would sign the final adoption papers and then my adoptive parents were phoned and told that I was ready for collection from social services offices. They certainly didn't actively choose me over any other child, they just chose a second best solution to their infertility issues. Clearly that was a better outcome for me than a life in a children's home or having been aborted but there was no element of selection in the whole process

Sorry I offended you - my opinions are based upon the experience of my ex BIL and his two adopted children, the 3 adoptive parents at my kids' primary school that I knew very well (none of which had any issues with infertility, two already had children, but they chose to adopt over having biological children, as did an old boss who was a gynaecologist and said she had always decided that childbirth was something she didn't wish to go through and there were too many children needing parents already - although as she adopted overseas a number of years ago, it was very much a 'here are the babies - pick the one you want' for her each time) and the very strong feelings that one of my best friends has about her own adoption and that of her brother. My favourite story is how she always won every argument with her brother because, as a small child, he was taken by their parents to see babies/toddlers. He picked her, so every argument was ended with 'well, you chose me, so it's your fault' :rotfl:

I think describing people who have gone through the pain of infertility and the process of being approved for adoption as a consolation prize is quite harsh. At any point before an adoption is finalised, they can pull out. As can SS and sometimes the birth parents. They've likely chosen to go through through protracted fertility treatment to find it unsuccessful. They've chosen to go through a rigourous examination of their suitability, they've chosen to bring a child home that they don't have a biological connection to, that they don't have thousands of years of hormones and nine months of carrying to get used to the idea of, they've chosen to risk having a child that could have genetic issues, psychological trauma, birth damage, or reject them later on the basis that they're 'a consolation prize'

There's a lot of choosing there, IMO. Certainly a hell of a lot more there than my situation of 'I'm pregnant. Do I wish to stay pregnant? Yes.' Wait nine months, child here, at any rate.

Nicki

Having experienced infertility myself I don't dismiss the trauma that brings to those who can't have their own children. And yes they do choose to adopt.

The point I was taking issue with, as I think you know, was your pep talk to OP about how lucky she was because she was "selected" by her adoptive parents. That was dismissive of her stated experience that she was rejected by her birth mother.

The fact is that the only person who gets no choice in adoption is the baby. The birth mother can (often) choose to give her child up, the adoptive parents always get to choose whether to have "a" child (not that specific child, usually) and the baby just has to make the best of it.

Adoption might be the best of the available alternatives for a child whose birth parents don't want to, or are unfit to, raise the child themselves but it is decidedly a second best, and it often causes wounds to all involved. Those can't be minimised or glossed over by simplistic distortions of the reality - that the adopted child was special and selected for that reason - because for many of us (perhaps most of us) that's not what happened and not how we perceive our experience.

Newly_retired

Everyone's story is different.
Someone I knew " came out" that he was gay to his parents when he was in his twenties. They responded by telling him that he was adopted, and they didn't want anything to do with him any more. Imagine that for a double rejection.