How shall I tell SO he needs to bring in more...?

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The title speaks for itself really, I hope it's not coming off too harsh. Basically SO and I currently live together and have separate finances however we do split the bills but we're responsible for our own debts ie credit cards, phone bills etc.

We were fine for a very long time and I never felt the difference in our wages but recently it has become such a big cloud over our relationship, I earn abut 10k a year more than him and 15/16% of his wage goes to CSA, 6% to pension etc therefore after all this has been paid plus bills he is not left with much.

Recently he and his daughters mother have been discussing sending their daughter to nursery as she wants to go back to work full time and I anticipate these are more outgoings. He currently has about £300 disposable cash excluding any savings, I have about £900/1k if I am frugal.

I have asked if he would prefer contributing less to enable him to save a bit more but he refused but it seems now when I suggest doing anything like going on holiday or nice dinner he always says he doesn't have money which I understand and I am more than happy to pay because I can afford it but he does not feel good about that.

How do I propose to him that he might need to change jobs to bring in more money as I feel like I am unable to live my usual lifestyle even though the money is there but he doesn't feel comfortable since he won't be contributing to it.

Is that even the best way? If not, what does the village suggest?
Don't sweat the small stuff
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  • boliston
    boliston Posts: 3,012 Forumite
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    Perhaps he is not particularly money orientated? A lot of people are not big spenders and are happy with the amount they have coming in.
  • Guest101
    Guest101 Posts: 15,764 Forumite
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    There's many variables

    Combine finances pay outgoing a and split the difference

    Or like you totally split finances

    Or pay % of bills - ie you earn 20k he earns 10k so you pay 66% he pays 33%

    Whatever works for you both. I doubt pressuring him to bring in more money will actually achieve that
  • Jojo_the_Tightfisted
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    You could always suggest that it might be easier for him to say yes/give his kids more opportunities (eg, school trips, activities, save for their futures) if he looked at alternative options - and he'd have a bit more freedom/choices for himself at the same time.

    But it's really got to be his choice - all you can do is make a pleasant suggestion and leave it with him; he certainly won't want to feel railroaded into changing jobs just for the sake of it, especially if he's got enhanced holiday and the additional security that being somewhere over two years confers.

    If he's not up for it, it's not as if you're desperate for the extra cash. So there's no reason to go on about it after that initial suggestion.
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  • ska_lover
    ska_lover Posts: 3,773 Forumite
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    edited 22 October 2016 at 1:43AM
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    I think that this situation could lead to big issues, resentment in the future.

    If you continue to have completely different incomes then the two people are going to be able to afford to live wildly differing lifestyles. One can afford meals out and holidays, but is held back by the others inability to match that level of spare cash, and reluctance to accept any help from the OP

    The partner has more commitments than the OP and seems to want to meet those, which is great - but he does need to realise that he is pushing the OP away by practically forcing her to live a single life. If she wants a holiday or a meal out, she is going to have to do it alone
    = That is worrying, to be pretty much told that you will never have a holiday again, never mind how hard you work....or what y ou earn

    I know money is not about love but this is a situation of control

    The op is thinking more in terms of 'partners' and has offered for the partner to pay less and her pay more. Whereas the OP seems to be the only one thinking about the both of them at the minute

    Wildly different life goals on this one
    The opposite of what you know...is also true
  • warby68
    warby68 Posts: 3,035 Forumite
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    If your combined income is enough to live comfortably as a couple, the problem is really in the attitude to your 'coupledom'

    OP seems more willing to 'share', other half is 'what's yours is yours' etc. Is it a pride issue? Is OP willing to 'treat' him but not to actually share? Is he a bit embarrassed at being worse off?

    Can you have a chat more along the lines of how you pool your resources so you can have a bit more fun together - I can't imagine telling someone to earn more will work in most cases. That sounds like you've given up on the more obvious solutions and gone nuclear !It seems that even a couple of hundred back in his pocket would go a long way here.

    Lots of options for combining/sharing mentioned but think you both need to have the chat first and open up about the way you want to and will live together.
  • FBaby
    FBaby Posts: 18,367 Forumite
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    My OH and I earn a similar income but I have much more outgoings than he does, mainly because of my children. When we moved in, we agreed that the contribution towards bills/mortgage would be divided in such a way that we would be left with the same amount of disposable income at the end of the month. It meant that my OH had much less than he used to whilst I had a bit more.

    However, he said that this was part of us building a future together and he had no issue with it. At some point, it is likely that the roles will be reversed as I will earn more and the kids will move out.

    I understand your OH feeling that he should contribute 50% of everything to be fair to you, but if it doesn't work for you anyway, he needs to reconsider his mindset.

    How long have you been together? It does get easier as the relationship progresses and any money feels more joint anyway. Maybe he still needs to adjust to the idea of having a partner who earns more than him.
  • Kynthia
    Kynthia Posts: 5,669 Forumite
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    I don't think the best way is to suggest a solution. I think you should sit down together, discuss what is making you unhappy and then both come up with solutions together.

    So tell him that you want to do more with him. You want to socialise, eat out, go on holidays, etc. However he won't join you because of money and he won't let you pay. This makes you feel like you are missing out, that you are single, that you aren't really partners as he won't lat you treat him or share your money. See what he says and suggests.
    Don't listen to me, I'm no expert!
  • Andrew_Ryan_89
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    Combine your total income, minus all your expenses and split the difference. If you want to go on holiday, don't just ask him like you're going to the cinema on the weekend, plan and save for it. As someone who earns higher than the average wage, especially for my age, I can honestly attest to the fact that success in life is about happiness and not how much you earn. I'm not saying money is not important but your OH may just be happy with his current situation and doesn't want to switch jobs because of the risk it carries.

    To be honest, the setup you shave right now seems pretty perfect. He's happy not have such a large disposable income, happy to pay for his personal expenses and you with the larger income have the appetite for fancy dinners and holiday. The question is not how to get him to bring in more, it's more down to getting him to accept a woman can pay for things.

    If you were to save and pay for a holiday for both of you, would either of you have a problem with it?
  • Sambella
    Sambella Posts: 417 Forumite
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    My sister earns about £20k more than her boyfriend. Heck she earns about £20k more than me. It causes resentment for them from time to time but they are still going on after 16 years together.

    If your family is paying what he has been ordered to pay for his child he doesn't need to pay any more than that unless ordered to.

    If his ex is ion benefits which seems likely she will likely get 70% of these childcare costs met. She is allowed to keep child maintenance ON TOP of any benefits she gets. Why can't she use these maintenance payments to pay for childcare?

    She must appreciate that he has his own bills to pay and a new life. It's not really fair to you if he pays more than he should. It is fantastic that he does meet his commitments to his daughter but a line has to be drawn somewhere. Of course he can give some extra cash here and there to help out with things for his daughter if he wishes to but if it is done to the extent that it affects your life together then there will be problems.

    Never begrudge anyone paying into their pension even if it affects their take home pay.

    As for splitting of the bills and that this is something you both probably need to talk over and reach agreement about. An arrangement that makes you both happy is the target.
  • AylesburyDuck
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    I dont think you need to point out anything to him, and to do so in the words you used to us " I am unable to live my usual lifestyle" would be awful.
    I'm sure he isnt stupid, men seem to do things at their own pace and probably needing a better wage is up their in his list.
    Tackle it wrong and you'll be the woman who needs to be out spending money on entertainment, while his ex will be the mother of child going out to work while you moan about added nursery fees.
    Now before you get up in arms i know that isnt the situation, but.....
    Its a fine line to walk between Angel and Demon. Take care .
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