How do you say 'No' to people without feeling guilty?

BarryBlue

I have found it far easier to say No as I have got older. It is almost an acquired skill, and I think part of it is because as you get older you worry far less about what other people think of you.

I routinely used to agree to do favours for people, usually involving running them around in the car. I had a lightbulb moment, however, when I discovered that if I needed a favour those people never stepped up. Now I please myself. If it's something I really want to do, I will change my diary to do it. If I don't want to, I just decline and stick to it. It's easy after a few times.

Lily-Rose_3

jozxyqk wrote: »

That reminds me of the mother of a former girlfriend. Whenever I went round, she'd offer me a cup of tea / coffee. But if I said no thanks, she went on and on about how it was no trouble, was I sure etc. One time she went on for at least 15 minutes - after that I just said yes, it was easier!

Gosh I HATE this. :mad:

There used to be someone at my old place of work who'd say 'would you like a coffee?' And I (and several other people) would say no thank you.

Are you sure?

Yes thanks

It's no trouble

No it's fine, I'm good thanks

I'm making one anyway

I only had one 20 minutes ago, so no thanks.

Well if you're sure

I am, *Smiles*

10-15 minutes later she would emerge from the kitchen with a coffee for me (AND the others who said no!)

To me, it's not kindness or helpfulness to do this; it's basically listening to what you say, hearing what you want, but then doing whatever they want anyway, and to hell with what you want. It's totally disrespectful. They are ignoring your wishes. Like you don't matter.

When someone asks me if I want something, or offers to do something, and I say no, I mean no. To go and do it anyway, as I said, is disrespectful and rude, and shows a lack of respect for you and your wishes.

As for how can you say no to people all the time:

When you find out how, please tell me! :rotfl:

I am better than I used to be, but nowhere near where I want to be.

marisco_2

ripplyuk wrote: »

I'm really struggling with this. Whenever people ask me to do something, or go somewhere, I find it hard to say no.

Yet I would bet that you have come across plenty of people who have no problem saying it to you. Be considerate and thoughtful of others but not to your detriment. It really is okay to say no or to turn people down if you need or want to. If they take issue with that you have to question if they are worth maintaining a relationship with.

ripplyuk

marisco wrote: »

Yet I would bet that you have come across plenty of people who have no problem saying it to you.

Yes, though I envy them. I guess everyone knows it's ok to say no to me and it's ok to be honest. It just doesn't seem to work the other way round sometimes!

I have one friend who's totally honest whenever I suggest something. She happily says 'No, I just don't fancy that' or whatever, and is equally ok with me saying no. It's great because we both know each other's likes/dislikes and there's no problem if one of us is busy/tired etc.

With this local group (I'll not name it) I think the problem is that I've given in every time previously, especially when they kept pestering me, so they've come to expect it. There's other people in the group that have never done anything extra, and have always said no. No one gets annoyed with them about it.

I do enjoy it and I like helping out, but it's putting me off going at all if they're going to keep being nasty because I've said no this time. Which is a real shame.

JWM

ripplyuk wrote: »

Yes, though I envy them. I guess everyone knows it's ok to say no to me and it's ok to be honest. It just doesn't seem to work the other way round sometimes!

I have one friend who's totally honest whenever I suggest something. She happily says 'No, I just don't fancy that' or whatever, and is equally ok with me saying no. It's great because we both know each other's likes/dislikes and there's no problem if one of us is busy/tired etc.

With this local group (I'll not name it) I think the problem is that I've given in every time previously, especially when they kept pestering me, so they've come to expect it. There's other people in the group that have never done anything extra, and have always said no. No one gets annoyed with them about it.

I do enjoy it and I like helping out, but it's putting me off going at all if they're going to keep being nasty because I've said no this time. Which is a real shame.

Well done for saying no.


Don't let them bully you into changing your mind. It might be time to consider a break from this group?


I used to have this problem but am now quite happy to say No. No again. Can you explain which part of No you don't understand? (I did actually say this to a work colleague with a smile on my face, funnily enough she's never asked me again)!

ThomasMJacobs

It can be difficult, but just try to explain your situation and be firm on your decision.

Lbuk

I'm a big believer in putting on others what they would put onto you, more so if you are feeling coerced.

Instead of being asked, start asking.

Ask the family to visit you, ask these charity people for favours with your own ambitions, etc.

You'll find that most will say no and the more you hear it the less you will mind saying no back.

Those that say yes, you'll mind less saying yes to them.

MonicaSmith

I can so very well relate with you. I still find it hard to say No to people but I can say I am getting better day by day. I started by saying No to the things that were affecting me the most. If I knew something was happening with me at a regular interval, I would prepare the scene in my mind before hand and practice to say No in my head. It might sound crazy but it did work to an extent. But it wasn't enough. Then I met my boyfriend and he made me realised that my inability to say No to people was not my weakness but my strength because it showed that I cared for peoples' feelings which connected me with them more strongly than anyone else. When you will consider this thing as your strength and not as your weakness, it will be easier for you to use your strength more judiciously becasue you don't need people in your life who want to take advantage of your strength.
You will know those people who will be asking you to do things not because they are nice to you but they have their own hidden motives. If they don't feel bad in what they are doing, you don't need to either.
Some people are genuinely nice but you know they will not listen to you. So if you are in a situation where you don't want to meet them, just ignore them for that time and reply after a certain while. I have always found texting rather than talking to be much more helpful and less hurtful while saying No to someone.

powerwin

Put yourself first. Work out what you like doing in life and just do that.

Don't worry what other people think, they can worry about themselves.

Just say no. I guess it is pleasant to say it in a polite way to avoid hurting their feelings, so something like "I am very busy with work" or "I have some other commitments I must attend to". Keep practicing until you are good at it.

pearl123

The problem is some people can't take no for an answer. i have a friend who will accept a no from me eventually, but a few weeks later is still asking the same question, even though I've already said no.
It's a right pain.