How do you say 'No' to people without feeling guilty?

SandC

Another tip.... what do you say to someone if you actually, genuinely have another commitment at that time? I bet you could easily just say 'oh sorry, no I have something else on that day' and leave it at that... no guilt? Well, when you are saying no, because you are not telling them what you have planned at that time it could be anything but you say it in your head!

For example, I may say 'sorry I can't make that'. They presume you already have plans. I do have plans. I plan to sit on my bum and watch Homes Under the Hammer on a loop. :-)

It can actually get quite fun.

TBagpuss

If you find it hard to say know, then a tock "I need to check my calandar" can be helpful, as it then givesw you breathing space rather than feeling you've ben put on the spot.

Equally saying something like "I'd lovve to spend some time with you but I'm snowed under at the oment' allows you make clear to people you are not regjecting *them* (good for friends asking to to do stuf, not so good for activities you're not really into)

For activities you are not interested in then something like "Thanks, but it isn't really my thing. I hope you have fun, though" is fine.

With family - are they demanding visits, or is ita case of you eing in the area and them assuming you should visit them?

If it is the first then how are they nagging you? If you don't see them and don't want to, you could start not esponding to them. Or respond less to 'waen' them off. So if you get a phone call or email, don't respndimmediately, wait a few days and then send a short "thanks for the invitation but I'm not in a position to vist" You don't have to give reasons.

If they nag you then a slightly puzzled "Did you not get my e-mail / voice mail? I explained a visit in't possible at present"

ripplyuk

Thanks for all the replies and tips! I'm definitely a people pleaser but I'm trying to work on it. I'm also quite antisocial and need time to myself.

If I tell people that I'm not very social, they just tell me that I should be. Even when I genuinely have to say no, like if I have a hospital appointment, I find people then think I 'owe' them and will keep reminding me about it. So, I end up giving in even more, which just makes it harder to refuse.

With activities and outings, people just keep pestering, saying that I'll love it or it'll be so much fun, even when it's something I already know I hate. If I mention needing to check my diary before committing to something, they seem to find that rude.

Sometimes it just feels like my whole life is run by other people. Like I'm just a pawn in the middle of it all.

DigForVictory

Practice saying No. Calmly, but clearly. The sort of tone you use to a dog that's getting just a little too friendly.

Also, (if you really feel you *must*) take up haggling. "Can you do 4 hours charitable fundraising next Tuesday?" can be met with "no, but I could do a couple of hours photographing things to ebay". (I'll be honest, this is a standard Psychology student trick to get cooperation - ask for a Big favour, planning to accept a smaller one - folk feel bad saying no, so shrewd operators use it to lever the small stuff.)

Next time someone *tells* you "I've pencilled you n for X til Y", make a point of digging out a diary or phone & then apologise, "so sorry, taking Darling Aunt/Dog/neighbour to dentist/clinic/Dignitas" [pick whichever is least likely to offend but be very clear your time is already booked].

ripplyuk wrote: »

Usually, people will keep asking me why I can't do something and it seems wrong (and doesn't work) if I tell them the truth, especially if it's something like just needing to spend time alone, or doing housework, being tired, or not having enough money. No one seems to find these valid excuses.

So stop explaining. Say "terribly sorry, but no" & vacate the space. Time spent with people who do not realise that a lack of energy, funds, privacy etc Is A Thing are people who will wring you out for their purposes. You need not tell them to take up fornication & travel, but you can physically get out of the area. Dive into a [single cubicle] loo if you have to. (Yes the real enthusiasts *will* try to negotiate over the partition, so know thine enemy & have an escape planned.)

If you have a smart enough phone, install a "fake emergency" app that will "call you". Use it to break out of the interrogation, and physically relocate "for a better signal". If asked later, a neighbour smelled gas, saw your child/pet/spouse wandering the streets, offered you first refusal on a really handsome chaise longue you'd been coveting for decades - again, stuff reality but stay courteous. Watch your interrogator squirm between 'what Was that about?' and 'can you do Thursday?' - you can take offence with either!

The advice to weed your diary of "commitments" you didn't ask for is brilliant. An email, or a handwritten note, should be enough (although I find both has a particular squelch effect that comes in useful.) You may want to soften this sudden divestiture by claiming a death in the family (whose you need not explain), or the flare-up of an unfortunate ailment (be careful with that one, as the stirrers will promptly suspect an STD & the enthusiasts will recommend all sorts of hair-raising cures for ailments you need to Google) but you do not need to stay on much more than nodding terms with Truth, you just need your personal space & time.

All the very best!

jozxyqk

I used to be a bit like this until I realised that certain people were walking all over me. It's all about control, being able to say "no" is empowering.


Looking back, the first time was the hardest but also the funniest - the person in question got quite affronted. For some reason we aren't in contact anymore...

tealady

Dig for victory I love that expression "take up fornication and travel" took a second to work it out!

Peter333

ripplyuk wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies and tips! I'm definitely a people pleaser but I'm trying to work on it. I'm also quite antisocial and need time to myself.

If I tell people that I'm not very social, they just tell me that I should be. Even when I genuinely have to say no, like if I have a hospital appointment, I find people then think I 'owe' them and will keep reminding me about it. So, I end up giving in even more, which just makes it harder to refuse.

With activities and outings, people just keep pestering, saying that I'll love it or it'll be so much fun, even when it's something I already know I hate. If I mention needing to check my diary before committing to something, they seem to find that rude.

Sometimes it just feels like my whole life is run by other people. Like I'm just a pawn in the middle of it all.

Don't know how old you are, but my wife (mid 50's) has always been like you - a people pleaser - and it's only been this past few years that she has learned to be more firm.

We moved house several years back, and she started to go to the Church, and she joined a Church Group. During one of the meetings, there were 20 people, and the leader, let's call her Olivia, decided to tell half the people to put their name and phone number on a piece of paper, and put it into a box she had.

Then Olivia said 'the half of you on this side, you pick a name out, and whoever's name you pick out, you ring them and arrange to meet for a coffee before we meet again.'

A few people didn't care either way, but some of them were quite worried and anxious at the thought of doing this. My wife was so anxious about it that she didn't go to the Group for 2 months, until it blew over! (They meet twice monthly.) Every time she goes now, there are between 7 and 12 people there. It used to be 15-20. I think a few people were a bit put off LOL.

I am sure this Olivia meant well, but I found what she did to be very manipulative. She should have asked people to do it who wanted to participate, not just make people join in, giving private phone numbers, and expecting them to meet people they barely know, and may not have much in common with.

It was just before the Easter hols too, and put a dampener on the whole period for my wife, because she knew she was meant to be ringing this random woman to meet for a coffee.

She never rang her. It made her far too anxious even THINKING about it!

When she did go back 2 months later, no-one mentioned anything.

The woman was probably just as worried, wondering what on earth they were going to talk about.

Since then, my wife has said no to most things..... no, no, no, can't give the time right now sorry.... no, no, no. Took awhile, but now no-one asks her. She was always being asked, 'come to this come to that,' 'join in this join in that,' 'volunteer for this and that,' 'do the flowers in the Church,' 'join in with the kiddie's group.' She said NO to almost everything now. She joins in occasionally, but when it suits HER.

Took her 50-odd years, but now she isn't being dragged into stuff she isn't interested in, or hasn't got time for, and people don't think any less of her.

On the other hand, one of her pals from the Church says yes to everything, and then moans about it, tells my wife she can't be bothered, and often bails anyway, letting people down!

Good luck ripply.

building_with_lego

Amysdad70 wrote: »

...
Just be polite, warm and stick by your no. I am at the stage now where if pressed I just say quite plainly that I don't want to. I have even gone as far as saying on one occasion, "I can make something up if you like".
....

I love this!
I once said, "Do you need me to write it down for you?" when my declining an invitation took them by surprise. I agree that the first few Nos are the hardest, and I did begin with "needing to check with my partner" but now I just say yes or no as I see fit, although my partner still 'needs' to check with me as he finds it harder to say no.

GenericUsername

Saying no is one of the hardest things to learn to do. I finally managed to get the hang of it by seeing it as a positive rather than a negative thing.
Let me explain:

Someone asks you to do something you don't want to do. Unable to refuse you say yes.

This leaves you feeling miserable and the leaves the other person with a false impression of how you really feel. Then when you do say no to something, the other person doesn't accept how you feel because they know you as a 'yes' person.

These days, if I don't want to do something, I say no and it's empowering because:
1. I'm being honest
2. I'm saving myself from awkward situations
3. I'm saving myself time for things I actually want to do
4. I'm making my life less complicated
5. I'm saving other people from wasting their time
6. I'm showing respect to that person by not lying to them. An honest no is better than a dishonest yes or an excuse.

You don't always have to say no of course, but being honest means that when you do say yes, people really know you are interested because you are.

When you start to get the hang of saying no, I was once told that the next thing to learn is how to say no, and provide no further explanation. Every now and again, just say no and leave it at that.

Now that is when you will have achieved 'master' level.

I used to feel bad about it but then realised that I'm not here to make other people the priority all the time.

Hope this helps.

ripplyuk

GenericUsername wrote: »

I used to feel bad about it but then realised that I'm not here to make other people the priority all the time.

That's my problem. I was taught to always prioritise what other people want, no matter what the cost. Although to some people that might sound kind, it's caused a lot of problems for me throughout life.

I also have mental health problems and just can't cope with a lot of things, or with life being too busy, so if I'm pushed into doing too much, my health suffers.

I've had a chance to try out saying 'No' a couple of times now. The first wasn't too bad, and I then had time to see a friend who I haven't seen in ages, which was lovely.

The second time didn't go so well. It's with a local group I try to go to occasionally. I was being asked to commit to going to something I hate, every single weekend until the end of March. It didn't go down well. They were clearly angry and just kept pestering, saying how disappointed they'll be if I don't. I ended up making excuses as telling the truth wasn't working. I've been getting the silent treatment since, obviously to make me feel bad, which is working!