Being a better example to our kids??

RubyRedRidingHood

Smodlet wrote: »

Your son is 11 and the only incentive he has to do chores/well at school/anything is money???

Your praise and the appreciation in your eyes and voices should be all the reward he needs to try his hardest. Money should not even be a factor in passing SATs/whatever. How does he think he is going to get a good job and earn a decent salary if he does not do his best at school? There is the monetary reward. No, it is not instant, it is long-deferred but no less real for that. If he can understand that effort = monetary reward, he can understand having to wait for it. You get paid at the end of the month, not the moment you have finished one task, after all.

Teaching him to save for things he wants will stand him in better stead than any form of quick gratification fix. You know this better than I; you learned the hard way and have, to a significant extent, climbed out of the hole you dug for yourself. Well done. Surely the best lesson is how to avoid digging that hole in the first place?

If you ensure he realises that, once he has sold something, it is gone forever, he will not get it back if he decides selling it was a mistake, then perhaps that is not a bad lesson to learn. "You chose to sell it so you could have such-and-such; now you miss it, you don't just get a replacement. It was your decision, you have to live with the consequences."

Changeforbetter answered the question when (s)he said the one aspect of finance they wish they had not learned at a young age was how easy it is to get credit. A better lesson is how hard it is to pay it back.

Well done again and HTH.

Smodlet I completely agree with you regarding the 'payment for results' mentality. Unfortunately I think we have to some degree built a rod for our own backs and have to own that. We had our son when I was 21, and I had somewhat of a poor childhood and over compensated by lots of presents for being well behaved etc. We pulled this back I would say 6 or so years ago, but precedent had been set and although we have tried to steer away from this and talk through the reasons why, he will still try it on!

We regularly have conversations about careers, the importance of doing well at school, about having a career that you enjoy and balancing that with financials. We're trying to teach him about balance between quality and price and about making informed decisions.

I just hope for him to have such a better start to his adult life than we had and sometimes I have to check myself, so thank you for your thoughts!

RubyRedRidingHood

tlc678910 , AllyMac, GTR King, ReadingTim & lessonlearned, thank you for your thoughts on selling things. I think I agree with all of your comments and both arguments for and against.

I have no issuing with selling things, even donating things as we do it often in our household. I think my issue in this instance is that we had a plan, one that was working well and getting him to his goal and I believe this is always the best way. My concern was he now wanted to sell stuff that he had been adamant he didn't to sell in the recent past and the volume of stuff as well was much more than I was comfortable with. Maybe my logic is flawed. I guess I am comfortable with a few things every now and again if no longer wanted/needed. I'm not so comfortable with selling lots of stuff just to enable another purchase when stuff is not unwanted or unneeded.

Smodlet

Many of us had "poor" childhoods, Ruby, whether in a material or emotional sense, or both. You are trying to teach your son values, real values, I am sure, like how to be a decent person, the value of truth, that respect and trust have to be earned. There is no price you can put on these things, which are more valuable than anything material. Oh, please virtually slap me, I'm in danger of getting profound (for me)

What do you think your son is going to remember ten, or certainly twenty years from now? How you made him sell his Star Wars lego because you would not just give him a ps4 or that you taught him actions have consequences? That life is not free? That you get nothing for nothing? That there are no rights without responsibilities?

Teach him how to cook, he will never wish you had not and time spent away from a computer screen, especially at his age, is time well-spent.

"A cynic knows the price of everything and the value of nothing." Oscar Wilde.

OK, I'm done.

enthusiasticsaver

I would not have an issue with him selling unwanted stuff to go towards something he really wants.

I would however be wary of him receiving money every time he does well in school. The occasional reward is ok but if there is an expectancy he will get money every time then I would view that as a bad precedent to set. Similarly he should not always expect you to match money saved particularly if it is not money earned. Being gifted it by grandparents is not the same thing. If he does chores then again he should not always expect to get money.

DD265

For those saying that financial incentives for doing well in school aren't necessarily positive - what about performance related pay in adult life? I'm not sure I see it as that different, other than as an adult you'd specifically contract on that basis.

We were never short on things as children, and we were also rewarded for doing well both in school and out. I wouldn't say it made us work any less or more hard and other than if we'd been told if you do X, we'll do/give you Y, we didn't expect it. We've both grown up into well adjusted adults. I guess the difference is we didn't ask for a reward; it was always offered or never mentioned.

theoretica

Does he understand how much less his stuff will fetch 2nd hand than it cost new?

If he sells his stuff would he get enought to buy the PS? Can he produce a realistic plan?

Would he also need to use the cash he has saved? So be unlikely to have much for you to match. Has he calculated how much free money from you he would be giving up? I think you should ask him to include this in his proposal. (And of course you might well give him games rather than money for Christmas!)

Sanctioned_Parts_List

My parents paid me to do chores... but I only got paid if the work met their standards. I couldn't just throw a vacuum cleaner around a bit and claim a fiver - cash was only paid on acceptance of the work - and in the beginning it got rejected a lot. Useful lesson, that.

WRT OP's issue - does the PS4 have to be new? The PS4's not exactly a new machine now, and good condition second-hand units are available on fleabay or from Computer Exchange (CEX, thesedays).

RubyRedRidingHood

Hi All

Thank you for your responses, they are greatly appreciated!

So decided to call a family meeting to discuss and we spoke about the value of things and the second hand market, I also asked him to read through this thread so he could also see others thoughts. He's now decided to wait until after the 31st December (which I am so happy about). He's now contemplating whether to buy new or secondhand, and I do have to say I am impressed with the maturity he is demonstrating when he is talking this through with us.

Sanctioned... - yes we have had to teach the same lesson about quality, not just racing through to get pennies! He's currently trying to figure out whether he wants to buy a new or secondhand one. All machines to date have been seconhand and there's never been any issues with them. I'm hoping he will choose secondhand but I'm trying to let him make his own decision... It's hard!!!!

DD265 - I agree, in lots of work environments we are incentivised to achieve with bonuses, pay rises etc and therefore why not learn this lesson now? That said, we don't ever stipulate an incentive for achieving to him, but will choose on occasion to give him a reward. I guess I want to encourage him to want to achieve for himself.

Enthusiasti... - the monetary match was not intended to be a permanent thing, it was intended to make him think about saving and teach him about interest. Thus far it has worked and I am hoping that once the year is through, he will still save his money knowing the bank will pay him a little more for keeping it there. Here's to hoping!!!

Muttipops

I expect it is also hard to say no to your child, if many of the other children at school are encouraged to get good SAT's levels etc,etc by the promise of laptops, mobile phones, etc; I wonder what those parents do if the child gets lower grades than expected?


The family meeting is a brilliant idea; I think it is very important for children to be listened to and encouraged to be part of the decision making process, with their views taken into account.


This has been a very interesting topic of conversation on this forum; thanks for starting it off, RubyRRH.:)

Money_saving_maniac

RubyRedRidingHood wrote: »

Hi All



DD265 - I agree, in lots of work environments we are incentivised to achieve with bonuses, pay rises etc and therefore why not learn this lesson now?

Because he's a child and part of your family. And his future depends on his own work now. And his payment to you for feeding him and keeping him is to do the things that are asked of him.

Once you start 'paying' your kids for things they just have to do, where does it stop? Very many jobs are also not rewarded with performance related pay or bonuses, and certainly not at entry level. There's a risk that you set up a situation for later failure.

Just because other parents do it (and possibly store up long term problems for themselves and their children) does not mean you are wrong not to do it