Being a better example to our kids??

RubyRedRidingHood

Hi All

So, we are now nearing the end of our journey to a debt free future with only 7.5k remaining on one credit card. For us this is a good thing as we have had debt on top of our mortgage totalling 50k at one point in the last 10 years and we are hoping to clear this by March next year. To some degree we have tried to shelter our 11 year old son from the majority of worries, sleepless nights etc, however we do realise that our views on money do transfer somewhat to him as well as how we expect him to treat money, and the way our son spends his pocket money, birthday money etc and when he wants mum and dad to buy something for him.

So now we find ourselves in this current situation with our son:

1 - Now every time he does something well or does something we tell him we are proud of, we get the 'do I get any money for that'

2 - He has decided he wants a PlayStation4 as now he has gone to high school more kids use the PS4 than the Xbox. At the start of the year we set a challenge for him to encourage him to save his money as we were worried that he was buying things for instant gratification instead of saving for what he really wanted and we all know where that leads. So we challenged him that anything he saved above 100 pounds and that was in his bank account at the 31st December we would match. This has worked a treat...to some degree as he has managed to save 172 pounds to date. So the conversation until today has gone somewhat like this:

Him: When I get to Christmas and you've matched my money I want to get an Xbox/PS4
Me: Yes that's fine as long you leave 200 pounds in your account to build on next year
Him: Yes that's fine cause I'm going to have about 500 pounds (his goal is to have 300 at 31st December for us to match 200 of it)

The conversation changed this morning to 'can I sell my Xbox and Lego because I want my PS4 now. (he has a lot of Star Wars collectable Lego)

So....

Question 1 - How do you deal with your kids asking for money for rewards??? Do you have any ways of nipping this in the bud permanently (We give him pocket money for doing chores when he wants extra money, we also give him the occasional reward when he does something that warrants it like passing his SATS etc but it's not him asking we just do it) As we are still on our debt free journey we try not to do this too frequently.

Question 2 - Are we setting him up to fail financially if we let him sell things to get instant gratification, when if he waits a few months he will be able to buy it outright? I don't have anything against selling things if you no longer want or need them but it feels like he is selling them to get what he wants not because he doesn't want or need them if that makes sense? Am I being a meanie mummy by saying no?

Your thoughts and advice would be greatly appreciated.

Many Thanks
Nikkei

changeforbetter

My thoughts would initially be: well done for considering this issue of the way your son views money. I have kids, and I know I am a terrible example to them in many ways. I feel determined they are not as bad as I used to be in that respect.

I'd say introducing him to the idea of selling doesn't seem too terrible. At least he's learning about value of things, and relation to his own funds. (Far worse to learn about lending,credit in comparison). When I was younger I was given a fair bit of money, and started some credit (overdraft) relatively young. Also borrowing from my parents. If I could not have experienced any one thing at a young age it would be the idea of borrowing and credit. It taught me to be blase about cost. Anything else financial I say, let them experience it as much as possible.

Smodlet

Your son is 11 and the only incentive he has to do chores/well at school/anything is money???

Your praise and the appreciation in your eyes and voices should be all the reward he needs to try his hardest. Money should not even be a factor in passing SATs/whatever. How does he think he is going to get a good job and earn a decent salary if he does not do his best at school? There is the monetary reward. No, it is not instant, it is long-deferred but no less real for that. If he can understand that effort = monetary reward, he can understand having to wait for it. You get paid at the end of the month, not the moment you have finished one task, after all.

Teaching him to save for things he wants will stand him in better stead than any form of quick gratification fix. You know this better than I; you learned the hard way and have, to a significant extent, climbed out of the hole you dug for yourself. Well done. Surely the best lesson is how to avoid digging that hole in the first place?

If you ensure he realises that, once he has sold something, it is gone forever, he will not get it back if he decides selling it was a mistake, then perhaps that is not a bad lesson to learn. "You chose to sell it so you could have such-and-such; now you miss it, you don't just get a replacement. It was your decision, you have to live with the consequences."

Changeforbetter answered the question when (s)he said the one aspect of finance they wish they had not learned at a young age was how easy it is to get credit. A better lesson is how hard it is to pay it back.

Well done again and HTH.

lessonlearned

I would second Smodlet.

I don't think children should receive a monetary reward for passing exams, helping with chores or "being good".

I think it is better to give them a set weekly or monthly allowance which they then have to learn how to manage. It's up to them whether they spend it or save it but when it's gone, it's gone. No loans, no subs. It teaches them how to budget and how to save for larger purchases.

Re selling unwanted toys etc. I have no problem with that. Mine did it quite regularly. I also encouraged them to donate their unwanted stuff to charity.

missbiggles1

How is he saving such a large amount of money in such a short time - how much money are you actually giving him?

ReadingTim

I don't see a problem with selling stuff - in addition to appreciating that once it's sold it's gone, it's also a pretty sobering experience to find out how little some things are worth on the 2nd hand market in relation to their purchase price, or the amount of fun they've provided - that could be a useful lesson if he thinks he can flog his stuff to bail him out of a hole in later life...it doesn't get you very far.

You might also want to consider this in relation to the Star Wars collectable Lego - it's probably worth less than you think it is.

GTR_King

if he wants a ps4 tell him he has to save up for it...

If he has enough money at xmas you could buy him 1/2 games & playstation plus

But don't buy it for him just because he wants one..

Don't let him sell star wars toys just because he wants a ps4 not a good idea

AllyMac

Why isn't it a good idea? I think it's perfectly fine to sell unwanted toys to finance more. Very sensible. And as a previous poster said, it can be sobering to find out low resale values!

With regards to pocket money and household chores, I don't personally believe in linking the two. I've explained as much to my 7yo, as most of her friends seem to have them linked. My view - she's part of this household, she mucks in. I'm not going to pay her to put her clothes away or load the dishwasher - no-one pays me!

And I'm totally against financial reward for exams. Especially SATS which don't mean anything anyway! Far better to study for the intrinsic reward of pride. If you have to bribe for SATS, you'd better have a big cheque book ready for GCSEs. If I ever did give money for exams, it would be for effort not result. So if my child revised every night, I might give them money... *before* the results came out.

But no - no money here for exams or household chores.

tlc678910

Hi,
Perhaps you could look at the resale value of his Xbox and Lego with him, for example see what these items are fetching on eBay, so he gets a realistic idea if the price he will get for it is worth letting it go for.

Does he have any toys or clothes that he has actually grown out of? Perhaps he could do a car boot sale to try to raise a similar amount of money?

Tlc

Kitten868

I think hes done well - he wants to keep up with the other kids at school and unlike them he's waited a year. Plus I was wanted to say try cex. They're a gaming shop where you can trade in games and consoles to get credit and you can buy a second hand ps4 in there with a year's warranty (and you can check how much you'll get online). I think selling his things to get one is good. He'll have to build it up with selling his games at cex, starwars on eBay. He'll have to chase his own sales. His effort will go into making the money. It's also helping his independence. X

RubyRedRidingHood

missbiggles1 wrote: »

How is he saving such a large amount of money in such a short time - how much money are you actually giving him?

He has saved money from Christmas last year, his grandparents also give him money for doing well at school - I don't agree with them giving him money for doing what I expect of him regardless of incentive, but if they want to do it, I have accepted it. For the shortfall he is currently at to his goal it will be made up of money from us and grand parents for his birthday present and Christmas present ( we are aware that we will also have to match these funds so we are giving him less than we would typically spend to compensate a little)