Serial Spender needing help!

Lippyx

Hi all.
I have been on here for a while and posted a few things here and there (mainly about NRAM!!)


I need help. I am a serial spender!! I am constantly looking for things to buy, and if I have nothing to look for in particular, I will find something that I "need".


I live with my parents (with my partner) and we are hoping to look at buying a place next year, but every time he talks about it, and asks how my debts are getting on, I get snappy with him and refuse to discuss it (probably because I secretly spend!). But I want to move out into a place with him!


I have previously bought a house with an ex, which completely stripped me of every penny I earned, paying the bills, because it all had to be split 50/50, even though I didn't earn as much as he did.
I am now left with this unsecured joint NRAM loan (as he doesn't pay anything towards it) whilst he still lives in the house. But that's another story!


I have just under 10k in debt (excluding the NRAM loan, which currently stands at 15k) and although its not a lot to some, to me it is.
I had already got myself debt free with the help of my current partner, but I managed to fall back into the trap.


I have managed to get a 0% credit card which has helped but my rating isn't great (due to NRAM issue!) so when I do look at 0% credit cards, I don't get offered enough to cover the credit cards I do have.


I have a horse (don't judge me) which I comfortably pay for a look after and have never had to rely on anyone to help me pay for his upkeep.


I just want to look at my bank at the end of the month before payday and not see red figures!


How do I stop the spending? I tried a money diary but I never record EVERYTHING. I work at a desk all day, so have constant internet access, which doesn't help. I decided to make a rule that if I wanted something new, I had to sell something to fund it, which does help, but in a way encourages the spending.


Please help me!! I want to stop spending and start saving!

BaileyMoselle

Like any addiction you need to get to the root cause. It is normally a low mood or depression that the addiction relieves. But it is only temporary relief. A brief escape. See a doctor. See a pastor. See a therapist. Whatever might help. It is not easy. It is a life challenge and a very difficult one. You need external help. By yourself you will continue to suffer, in my view.

enthusiasticsaver

Often serial spenders are like emotional eaters and there is a psychological reason for spending on stuff you could easily do without. Did you feel deprived as a child or bought things to make you feel better? How do you feel before buying something and immediately after? How much thought do you put into your purchases? A good way to stop is to say that certain days are NSDs (no spend days) and when you get the urge to buy something say you will wait and think about it. Remove the compulsion and often people decide they don't want to buy at all.

Helvetica_Van_Buren

Lippyx wrote: »

Hi all.
I have a horse (don't judge me) which I comfortably pay for a look after and have never had to rely on anyone to help me pay for his upkeep.

No. You aren't comfortably paying for your horse if you're asking for debt help.

DD265

You need to find motivation from somewhere. Why do you want to move in with your OH? When do you want to move?

Don't hate me but: is selling your horse an option? Or what about a share/loan? I'm in the awful position of considering having mine PTS as he's recently retired. He costs £500 a month but the reality is that he's OK and it's me that's struggling; mostly with the decision over the right thing to do as I feel that what's right for me, isn't right for him.

Do you have any savings at all? It would help if you posted an SOA: http://www.stoozing.com/calculator/soa.php

People can then help with areas to cut back etc. But it sounds like discretionary spending is your biggest issue, so perhaps the demotivator.

http://www.moneysavingexpert.com/shopping/demotivator/

You either need to restrict your access to money so you can't spend, or find out what makes you tick (either spending, or paying off debt).

-taff

You can start the process of forcing your ex to sell the house which will help. You can also look at your nram loan and see if you had PPI on it which you can complain about - prior to 2009 it will have been single premium which s a no no now.

FinallyDebtfree2017

It doesn't sound like you had your light bulb moment yet.

Ask yourself - what do you want out of life???

Do you want to own a house?

Do you want kids?

You won't be able to do it comfortably, in your current situation.

If yiu continue like you are, you aren't going anywhere and you are putting your relationship at high risk...

This is serious, but you can still change it, but you must act quickly, but agree with previous comments to understand why you are spending

Lippyx

-taff wrote: »

You can start the process of forcing your ex to sell the house which will help. You can also look at your nram loan and see if you had PPI on it which you can complain about - prior to 2009 it will have been single premium which s a no no now.

I didn't think I could force him to sell the house? The joint loan is not secured on the house, (although NRAM have a charge on it) plus he lives there with wife and child, so surely I can't force him to sell up?
Never thought of the PPI... wouldn't he be entitled to some though? I don't want to spend my time sorting it all for him to take the money!!

Lippyx

FinallyDebtfree2017 wrote: »

It doesn't sound like you had your light bulb moment yet.

Ask yourself - what do you want out of life???

Do you want to own a house?

Do you want kids?

You won't be able to do it comfortably, in your current situation.

If yiu continue like you are, you aren't going anywhere and you are putting your relationship at high risk...

This is serious, but you can still change it, but you must act quickly, but agree with previous comments to understand why you are spending

All I want is a house with my partner, no kids and just enjoy a happy comfortable life together.
I spoke to him last night and said I needed help ASAP with my spending... he said the issue I have is I feel low, buy something which makes me feel good, then I feel guilty about it, which makes me feel low, and the cycle starts all over!!

determined_new_ms

My two pence worth! Read some blogs articles about people who have embarked on a "not buying anything new" year. I embarked on this challenge just over 3 months ago. I have found it so liberating I can't tell you. It has changed by outlook on life and honestly most of the time I don't feel like I'm going without, in fact quite the opposite I feel much happier and content and I rarely think about money now. There have been a few days where I have felt like I *need* more clothes/items but I sit on that feeling and the following day it has gone and I don't even think about it again.

However I have been curbing my spending and enjoying old style frugal life for a while. I think it's like a muscle you keep practicing and in the end it becomes second nature - you learnt to be a consumer you can unlearn. Every little thing you do to improve your relationship with money and consumerism will contribute to a bigger change over time. You'll have hiccups, fall off the wagon and learn. The first step is always the hardest x

ReadingTim

Lippyx wrote: »

All I want is a house with my partner, no kids and just enjoy a happy comfortable life together.

Well then...simply remember this phrase, and repeat it every time you go to buy something. Ask yourself "is this going to buy me a house?" "will this allow me to enjoy a happy comfortable life"?

Money ain't unlimited, wealth and spending is mostly about priorities and self-discipline, so what do you want more - whatever shiny gizmo that's caught your eye this second, or a home and a future? Your choice. Ditto for the expensive pet.