Think my partner is an alchoholic

belinda729

I have been with my partner for 3 yrs we have a one yr old together and i have 3 other children ....for the last 2 yrs my ex has been verbally abusive ...at first it started with just normal arguments about stupid stuff but now it has escalated to him having a go at me and calling me names for no reason...he has always been a heavy drinker he used to drink maybe three times a week and as I used to drink as well I didn't see a problem..however since having my son I have stopped drinking and only rarely drink....since his mother passed away a few mnths ago (they were not close) he has been drinking at least 4 cans everyniggt sometimes more...when he does he is even more abusive he used to just call me names in private but has now taken to doing it in front of kids

He says it's my fault that he does this because if we argue I say I am not talking to him tok he calms down and ignore eveything he says ....he says this means I am ignorant and it makes him even angrier.

He is currently awaiting a mental health appointment he has been to a few (at my request) and he says he doesnt want to go to next one as he doesnt need it it's me with problem not him.

In Friday I told him I had had enough that I didn't want to live with him verbally abuaing me anynore ...he begged forgiveness swore he would drink anymore and would be nicer to kids and myself .

I let him back he was abusive again Saturday ...he kept nagging for me to let him have a drink I aruck to my guns and said no if you want to be with us enough is enough....last night he goes down the shop to get a pasty ...he comes back and goes straight upstairs I asked him if he bought alcohol and he said no...

We went to bed and I was falling asleep as I was I could hear him rifling through a bag he got up a d want downstairs so I sat up and low and behold in the floor was 4 cans of cider.we had a huge argument and I slept downstairs again.

I am at my wits and what to do ....I do love him and it was gr8 in the beginning but I feel so worn down and just don't know what to do.

Any advice would be great x

I am at

Guest101

Im confused is he an ex or not??

belinda729

Sorry my mistake he is not my ex we are still living together

d70cw6

yuk, cider is revolting

AylesburyDuck

He should carry on with his appointments, maybe make it a stipulation of him staying, and also say you need him to make a GP appointment to get help for his drinking professionally which you need to be present at.

polgara

You can't force him to do anything - if he is an alcoholic then its up to him to want to stop/reduce or to access treatment and a lot of agencies won't engage if they feel there is any reluctance/coercion (as I know unfortunately).

What you do need to do is make yourself very clear about what you will do if his treatment of you continues.

BrassicWoman

have a chat with Women's aid. They are very experienced in this sort of thing.

belinda729

Thanks for the replies

p-pincher

It does sound like has has a problem with alcohol. As everybody else has and will say that unless he wants help and he will admit has has some sort of problem there is nothing you can do.

The only thing you have control over is yourself and your children. Your children need putting first. I have very close family members with the same problem and nothing and I really do mean nothing I said, shouted, cried, moaned or reasoned had any effect on the situation. For the sake if your children's childhood stick to your guns. If he doesn't want help and will not admit to a problem things will only get worse. Good luck xx

boliston

"he has always been a heavy drinker he used to drink maybe three times a week and as I used to drink as well I didn't see a problem"

Surely "3 times a week" is not much if it is just 3 drinks? I normally have one 500ml bottle of real ale each evening so that means I drink "7 times a week" - does that make me a serious alcoholic?

determined_new_ms

If he is an alcoholic then you telling him to leave isn't going to make him change I'm sorry to say. You need to work out what you want and then enforce your boundaries. I.e for me I don't want to live/be in a relationship with an addict. I would talk to my partner and tell him I'm not prepared to live with you unless you stop drinking. He won't, cos addicts can only stop when they want to, I have watched many addicts be devastated that they have lost their entire lives because of their addiction. The. When he drinks next I would ask him to leave.

The violent behaviour complicates it somewhat as woman are in danger when they leave an abbusive relationship. You should speak to women's aid for advice around this. I would also suggest alanon to help you work out who you are and what you want. A huge problem for you is the codependency that develops in relationships with addicts. Alcoholism is a family illness and all members become ill. the non drinker jut develop a different illness.

I feel quite sad about him from your post as I know first hand that complicated grief for a parent is a hard journey. But there is never any excuse for being abbusive. Know you can't save him from this x