6th birthday party dilemma

Curious_George_2

for my daughters 6th birthday i hired a lovely cheap hall, did all the food, party bags etc (nightmare! but i spread out the planning over a few months so it wasnt too much all at once)
and we invited 40 kids.... all her class, plus friends that are not in her class and some that dont even go to her school, plus a few cousins etc,
i told her i was only doing a party this big once for a looooong time, so to make the most of it!

bearing in mind that my DD always has a half term birthday...in the end, 20 people turned up, the 20 family, out of school mates and close friends from her school that she actually plays with... it made no real difference to our costs, the kids that turned up just got more food and party bags with more in them!
so please dont invite anyone that doesnt get a regular mention from your child out of duty, no one will thank you for it!

mutley74

Curious_George wrote: »

for my daughters 6th birthday i hired a lovely cheap hall, did all the food, party bags etc (nightmare! but i spread out the planning over a few months so it wasnt too much all at once)
and we invited 40 kids.... all her class, plus friends that are not in her class and some that dont even go to her school, plus a few cousins etc,
i told her i was only doing a party this big once for a looooong time, so to make the most of it!

bearing in mind that my DD always has a half term birthday...in the end, 20 people turned up, the 20 family, out of school mates and close friends from her school that she actually plays with... it made no real difference to our costs, the kids that turned up just got more food and party bags with more in them!
so please dont invite anyone that doesnt get a regular mention from your child out of duty, no one will thank you for it!

thanks again for the replies. i would have done a church hall with an entertainer as some of his friends did for their 5th parties, but its a lot of work to prepare all the food yourself etc.
i will be posting the invites about 2 weeks before his party and hoping a few cancel, but on the last school party almost the whole class turned up (28)....which i am not suprised as they are getting the NE best place for free (except a pressie)!

mutley74

This brings me on another dilemma...birthday presents??????????!

I have told my son as daddy is spending a lot lot lot money on his party i am not going to be buying him lots of toys and probably just some clothes. Hoping he wont mind too much on the day. As i got him a power ranger nightsuit and some sweeties but would like some to get him some other bits and bobs.....an expensive month! just hope they get cheaper as they get older ! i wish!

Nenen

juliejim wrote: »

I agree with most - only invite the children that he plays with. Probably best to ask him or even ask his class teacher.

This might be slightly OT but hope it will be of some help to the OP when considering how to invite school friends to the party.

I don't want to offend anyone here, as I'm sure no one intends to upset a child (or make a teacher's job any more difficult than it already is) but, as a primary school teacher myself, this sort of thing (see quote above) really winds me up and has been a source of great distress to me and, more importantly, the children I teach on more than one occasion. We have so much to do in school I really don't think it is fair to ask teachers to be involved in sorting out your child's social life after school too. With the best will in the world, it can become the 'straw that broke the camel's back'!

Whilst I agree with everyone who said that it is not necessary to invite the whole class to a party and the PP who said that children need to learn that they are not always invited to everything, kindness and good manners should ensure that their noses are not 'rubbed in it' either!

Can you imagine how you would feel as an adult if, while sat in a large group of your colleagues, invitations to an event you'd give your right arm to go to were handed to lots of people around you but not to you????

I'm sure none of you would dream of standing at the school gates with a group of Mums and handing half of them an invite in front of others you were not inviting. Indeed, I suspect that the reason why some parents want teachers to give out party invites are because they'd be far too embarrassed to do this. Yet these same parents think it is quite alright for teachers to do this to children. Social etiquette (which we should be teaching our children) demands that if we are organising a social event we discretely invite those we wish to whilst we are not with people we are unable/unwilling to invite for whatever reason. That might even mean sending an invite through the post or telephoning. Putting invites in children's trays or bags (which I've often been asked to do) is still too public as, when hometime comes, some children gleefully wave thier invitations aloft while others are left searching for non-existant invitations and become very upset and bewildered. Often the child whose birthday it is doesn't know/remember who has been invited and it is then up to teachers to try and sort it out and explain that they haven't been invited.... I HATE having to do that!

I think most children cope well with not being invited to parties, providing it is not made too obvious in public. However, in the past when I have been given the dreaded task of handing out invites to a select few in a class I have, on several occasions, witnessed uninvited children becoming extremely distressed. Rejection is made so much worse by the feelings of being publically excluded and humiliated. They then need a great deal of time and support to recover (of course this is teaching time that the rest of the class miss).

To the PP who said her daughter didn't mind not being invited and accepted this easily.... your child might well cope well with this sort of rejection... s/he probably comes from a secure, loving home and has great self-confidence and high self-esteem. Unfortunately, that cannot be said for all children and quite often it is precisely those children who are not popular and consequently not invited to parties. Their feelings of rejection are then made ten times worse.

To be honest, I think that parents who expect teachers to sort out the distribution of birthday invitations are being unreasonable and insensitive... so much so that nowdays, if asked, I will only do so if the whole class has been invited (or all the boys/girls as children find this 'fair' and understandable rather than perceive it as a personal rejection).

The vast majority of teachers I know work extremely hard and are dedicated to providing the best possible education and care for every child they teach. Personally I HATE having to witness a child's feelings of hurt and bitter disappointment when it really isn't necessary.

To the OP... I'd say invite as many/few children as you want/can afford but please organise the delivery of invitations yourself. :beer:
OOppps... just seen your cross-post saying you are doing precisely that... wonderful!

Janepig

Nenen I think you're being a little OTT in your reply and if the children you teach get that upset about getting an invite or not then that's going to happen whether you give the invites out or not I would have thought - assuming your children talk to each other about what they do out of school. How are children supposed to learn about the real world if they think they've got a divine right to go to every party going? What about the ones that get invited but can't go because their parents are busy or something. How do you protect those children from life's harsh realities.

Nenen

Janepig wrote: »

Nenen I think you're being a little OTT in your reply and if the children you teach get that upset about getting an invite or not then that's going to happen whether you give the invites out or not I would have thought - assuming your children talk to each other about what they do out of school. How are children supposed to learn about the real world if they think they've got a divine right to go to every party going? What about the ones that get invited but can't go because their parents are busy or something. How do you protect those children from life's harsh realities.

I'm not suggesting that every child gets that upset. In fact I did say "I think most children cope well with not being invited to parties, providing it is not made too obvious in public."

It becomes a problem for a few children (often the least popular and/or most insecure) and I have no wish to be complicit in making things any more difficult than it needs to be for them. Of course children talk about parties they have been invited to beforehand and/or discuss what happened afterwards and uninvited children do have to learn to deal with that. However children can usually choose to ignore it, walk away or play with someone else etc when that is going on and it is not as difficult for them as being put into the position of being physically present when some people are presented with invites and some aren't.

If it is no big deal to give some people invites and not others in public, why do so many parents need teachers to do it for them even when they collect their own children from school and see most of the other parents there???? Would you really take party invitations into your workplace and, while everyone was present, give a select few one in front of others you were not inviting?

The worst case of this happened to me when I was teaching a foundation class (4-5 year olds) and a mother handed me a great pile of invitations and asked me to give them out to everyone at home time. I assumed from the way she spoke that there was one for every child in the class and, after storytime, I duly handed them out. Every single child in the class except one had been issued an invitation. I (stupidly as it turned out) thought she must have accidently forgotten 'Anne' as I couldn't believe any adult would be so unkind as to not invite just one child and when 'Anne' started to cry I reassured her I would sort it out.
When I told the mum I thought she must have forgotten 'Anne' she replied 'Oh no... ds doesn't like her and didn't want to invite her.' To say I was speechless would be an understatement!

Whilst I believe I do have a responsibility to teach children about some of 'life's harsh realities', I can only reiterate that I believe it is extremely bad manners to present an invitation to one person with another person standing by who is not being invited... we wouldn't do it as adults so why expect teachers to do it to children?

mutley74

Thanks interest views Nenen and Jane Pig.

My son was upset earlier in the week as a girl in 1B did not invite him but invited some of her friends in 1A - but i calmed him down and he was okay. But i will probably as him to invite about 25 from his class and 5 from outside.
Its hard to give the invite outside school as i dont know all the kids and its very hard to give them an invite as some of collected from school then rushed home in all directions.
thanks

Janepig

Nenen wrote: »

If it is no big deal to give some people invites and not others in public, why do so many parents need teachers to do it for them even when they collect their own children from school and see most of the other parents there???? Would you really take party invitations into your workplace and, while everyone was present, give a select few one in front of others you were not inviting?

I've only given invites to DD's teacher once (on DD's 4th birthday) and it certainly wasn't to avoid giving them "in public". Given that there are 30 children in her class (60 in her year) and I only do drop off/pick up twice a week, it's been very difficult to match parents/grandparents/childminders, etc.... to the correct children. Also, given the volume of children in the school, arrival and home times seem to be chaotic and a bit fraught (for the parents anyway ). Plus the teachers have never seemed to mind giving out invites or christmas cards, that type of thing.

And yes although I haven't given out party invites in work, I have (as have others) discussed stuff like nights out, body shop parties, etc... in front of those who are not coming, because we've worked together a long time and I/we know who would/wouldn't be interested, etc.... I'm adult enough to know who I'm friendly with and who I can/cannot expect invites from and I feel the same with DD - hopefully other parents understand that their precious little ones can't expect to be invited to everything either.

Jxx

squashy

I always limit parties to 10 or so (in fact it was DDs birthday today and she had just 6, they went horseriding)

The teachers are very used to handing out invitations and I think it is all part and parcel of the learning curve for little ones to get used to the idea they can't go to every party. I certainly wouldn't expect my kids to be invited to every party and i also try to stay out of any "they-invited-us-so-we-better-invite-them" type discussions. I just ask them to pick 10 friends- easy!

I worried as I started working at the school last year and thought it might get political lol but I stuck to my old ways and no-one has batted an eyelid as far as I can tell.

I'd rather spend the spare money on an extra present or treat for my child than to appease the playground mafia

Katgoddess

Can't you just invite the boys? All the parties I went to at primary school were girls (and brothers) only. Times might have changed.