children's views for custody

Kayalana99

I apprecaite the situation but it is worth taking into account that she is only 8 and the grass is always greener. You are the fun Dad that takes her out and does stuff with her at the weekend, if the situation was reversed and you had her all the time and her Mum over the odd weekend I'm sure she would take her out more and treat her just as likey you do now.

Most kids don't really value being loved and cared for at that age, most of them value what they are given. In your case it's days out and fun so she is leaning towards living with you, but lets face it if she lived with you, you couldn't be like this every day of the week. If she had a genuine issue such as her Mum drinking or being even verbually abusive towards her then you could have a leg to stand on. Appreciate she doesn't sound like the nicest person but she is still her Mum.

Tammykitty

Kayalana99 wrote: »

I apprecaite the situation but it is worth taking into account that she is only 8 and the grass is always greener. You are the fun Dad that takes her out and does stuff with her at the weekend, if the situation was reversed and you had her all the time and her Mum over the odd weekend I'm sure she would take her out more and treat her just as likey you do now.

Most kids don't really value being loved and cared for at that age, most of them value what they are given. In your case it's days out and fun so she is leaning towards living with you, but lets face it if she lived with you, you couldn't be like this every day of the week. If she had a genuine issue such as her Mum drinking or being even verbually abusive towards her then you could have a leg to stand on. Appreciate she doesn't sound like the nicest person but she is still her Mum.

The OP has the child Wednesday to Sunday one week and every other Wednesday - as the OP point out this is 6 days out of 14 - so its not just the odd weekend.


OP - I think it is worth keeping a note of the times when the mother changes arrangements etc, ad it may be useful if you do go for custody further down the line.


Your daughter wants to spend more time with you, and you want to spend more time with her - that's great for both of you and something positive for you to build on.


In terms of extra circular activities, that you are encouraging your daughter to do, do you think your ex would be more encouraging if you offered to do the fetching and carrying for it, and then that way you would also get to see your daughter more.

Dizzy_Imp

I don't normally offer advice in these situations, because as a second wife and step mother, I realise that my input could be seen as jealous interference, but I do feel I should offer some support for the dad here.

Years ago my DH's ex walked out on him, taking their (then) two young children with her, refusing to tell him where they had gone or allow him access for several months. The reason? His business had failed in the economic downturn and her lifestyle took a downward turn.

When I met him the ex was in full control of the children's lives and would allow or refuse access on a whim. My SS was 10 and perfectly able to see through his mother's machinations, but my SD was only 7 and struggled daily with the situation. So much so that my DH requested a school counsellor to find out what the real issues were. His ex was not impressed to be highlighted as a major reason for my SD's behaviour and tried constantly to turn everything around to make my DH the 'bad guy'.

Ex-wife had a pay-per-view attitude with regards to access, but regardless, my DH always paid full maintenance, plus extras, such as school trips, football kit, school shoes and mobile phone bills. When he was reduced to living off credit cards due to the enormous debt he found himself in due to the situation, I took over the financial payments.

My SS asked many times if he could live with us, saying his mother favoured his sister and DH took legal advice to see how the situation could be managed. He was advised that courts rarely take a child's view into consideration until they are 10 and then only if their mother could be proven not to be a fit parent. She wasn't at all, just bitter and manipulative.

Things changed markedly when his ex met someone, as she wanted time for herself and her new man and now the kids are older, they pretty much come and go as they wish...however, as we now live 300 miles away, it usually involves long train journeys (at our expense:o). This might happen in your situation - the new man, not the train fares :rotfl:

My point is, that however hard things are between you and your ex, you need to keep it as cordial as possible, because your daughter will remember the fighting and will either feel the need to try and please both parents (almost impossible) or will withdraw from one or both of you.

This will be a long term problem for you, but it will come to an end and if you have maintained good contact with your daughter, your relationship will be exactly as it should be and would've been if you and your ex had not split.

Good luck x

gonzo127

thank you everyone for your input, i have calmed down somewhat from when i first posted the thread and feel as if i am thinking a bit clearer.

anyways, i have decided i am not going for full custody through the courts, unless my ex starts screwing with the contact in full force.

otherwise i am going to speak to my ex about how concerned about our duaghter i am, due to the tears etc, and ask her what she thinks could be a solution, so let her have input, so i am not dictating things, and i guess she might come up with a solution which i havent been able to come up with.

to answer some of the points raised,

as people have mentioned about not arguing back, i do follow that advise already, and have actually walked out of the house, when i dropped my daughter back, because my ex started shouting about things and i didnt want to have my daughter hear that (she had gotten in the shower as soon as i dropped her back so didnt hear the start of it), although saying this i do worry what my daughter hears, because i know some of the nasty and down right lies she has said about me. but there is nothing i can do about them

the extra curricular activities, well i do all the pick ups and drop offs during the time she is with me, that includes to and from her mums house (her mum has never actually been to mine in 18 months) but the issue is due to the distance i work away (about an hour from my house, and 1:20 to my ex's house) and the hours i have to work to make up the shorter days that i have her, i often work from 7:30 till 6pm, and yes with a clearer head i realise that this would not have been possible with full custody, however my employer is pretty flexible so could probably have agreed to work the weekends i would expect her mum to have her, as well to keep my hours up. but thats by the by now as i am not going to go down that route. although i have and do help out when i can, and have taken her to and picked her up from things during her time at her mums, when her mum wasnt able to do it

as to my ex getting a boyfriend, well thanks to her friend accosting me in the street, i know that she has been seeing different people since we split up, and had a boyfriend for about 9 months, so i doubt that she will lose interest in our daughter just because she gets a boyfriend, but then who knows,

as to being the fun dad at the weekends, as has been pointed out i do have her 6 days out of 14 so nearly a 50:50 split of time, but the reason i am the fun dad is because i make time for her, and work my housework around doing things with her, not the other way around, so things like washing up after dinner, that waits till she has gone to bed, same with the ironing, and tidying up, vacuuming gets done whilst she is in the shower or bath, gardening she helps me with, cooking food we do together, clothes washing gets done over night, etc etc, to me its not hard, yes the house gets a mess during the day, but hey that's easily tidied up in the evening.

FreddieFrugal

gonzo127 wrote: »

but actually a lot of the things i do with her cost little to nothing, such as taking a football/basketball up to the park and having a kick/bounce about, then letting her play on the swings etc, going to the beach, or just going on a pokehunt (god damn that game lol, although we have walked nearly 100km since we got it so thats great), and i have a annual pass to one of the local zoo's for us both (even paid for a second card so her mum only has to pay for herself which is about £40 for the year), we also play a lot of board games, and even a few video games, in which we play together and interact, not only that but i get her involved in the cooking etc

Kayalana99 wrote: »

Most kids don't really value being loved and cared for at that age, most of them value what they are given. In your case it's days out and fun so she is leaning towards living with you, but lets face it if she lived with you, you couldn't be like this every day of the week.

First of all - kids do value being loved and cared for - if they value what they're given, then in a loving caring home they'll be given attention, conversation, help, love.

Children value those very highly.


And while the OP may not be able to take her to the Zoo every day of the week. Most of the things that he said he does with his daughter are actually very simple, easy things that don't take a huge amount of effort or additional time - they're just about including his daughter in activities. Not trying to live a completely separate life.

Instead of sitting and watching TV by yourself while child plays on their tablet - doing something together - like watching the same program that you'd both enjoy, or playing a board game or video game together.


You know, a decision has been made to include another person in your life - so that's what you should do - include them. Whether they're a child or a partner.

Obviously everyone needs a bit of time on their own to do their own thing - adults and children - but that quality time spent together interacting with other people, especially parents and siblings is really important.

I see no reason why the way the OP spends time with his daughter would be unsustainable if he were to have her living with him all the time. He's just done it in a very natural and sensible way.

He's not going for big over the top gestures or gifts all the time. He's just including his child in his life and - importantly - allowing himself to be included in hers!