Dependent adult child still living at home

effulgence

I do not wish to post an extended backstory about the situation but here is a brief summary. I have an adult DS who lives at home. He is in his late 20s (don't want to give exact age). He has chronic mental health problems, doesn't work and has no income. DS is completely financially dependent on us. The financial pressure of keeping him is a problem but it's not just about the money. I have not been able to go on holiday for 12 years as son would not be able to cope on his own in the house for a week. I also worry about him coping with daily life on his own after me and DH have passed away. That might be many years away but you never know. I am at that stage in life where health related niggles tend to start cropping up. Has anyone been in a similar situation with adult DCs or have any thoughts about the situation.

Detroit

If your son can't work due to his MH he could claim Employment support allowance. If he requires your care and supervision, he may also be eligible for Personal independence payment. This could enable you to claiming Carers allowance, all of which could ease your financial burden at least.
CAB could advise you on any entitlement and help you claim.

There are organisations for carers, such as the carers association that could offer you support, and may also be able to help you access respite care for your son to enable you to take a break.

I'm assuming your son is receiving medical care? If so, I'd suggest you also have a chat with his care team about the longer term options. You may not be able to cope as long as your son needs help, and it would be helpful to understand the options for the future.

Finally, please make sure you look after yourself. This sounds a distressing and draining situation.
You will not be able to support your son if you don't get breaks to recharge.
If you don't want to go through the authorities for respite, or you are not entitled, could other family members step in? Or could you and your husband take turns to take separate breaks with friends?

kingfisherblue

effulgence wrote: »

I do not wish to post an extended backstory about the situation but here is a brief summary. I have an adult DS who lives at home. He is in his late 20s (don't want to give exact age). He has chronic mental health problems, doesn't work and has no income. DS is completely financially dependent on us. The financial pressure of keeping him is a problem but it's not just about the money. I have not been able to go on holiday for 12 years as son would not be able to cope on his own in the house for a week. I also worry about him coping with daily life on his own after me and DH have passed away. That might be many years away but you never know. I am at that stage in life where health related niggles tend to start cropping up. Has anyone been in a similar situation with adult DCs or have any thoughts about the situation.

My son is younger than yours, but has disabilities so will always be dependent on others for his care, so I understand your concerns.

First of all, as Detroit says, look into ESA and PIP for your son. Easing your financial pressures is the first step.

Secondly, does your son have any input from the mental health team? They will be able to support your son's claims for benefits. They may also be able to help with carers and with respite.

You can ask Social Services (Adults with Disabilities department) for an assessment of your son's needs. This could lead to help such as carers to come in, or to take him out. You are also entitled to an assessment yourself, but although there may be recommendations, there isn't always the funding to carry them out.

SS can also help with planning for the future. It may be possible for your son to live in a house with a couple of other adults, and have carers either part time or full time.

There are some charities that can take adults away for a week and care for them fully whilst they are away. You could take that opportunity to have a break yourself. SS or a carer's centre can help.

If there is a carer's centre near you, it's worth contacting them for support. They can give local information, help with forms, attend meetings with you (or find someone who can), and give you emotional support.

harrys_nan

Lots of very good advice given already, please follow it all up.
Nothing more to add except please, please look after yourself as well. If you become ill, you will not be able to help your son with his care.
Take any help you can get.Best wishes to you both .

pendragon_arther

I used to work for this mental health association. It would be beneficial for you to make some enquiries with them http://www.together-uk.org/

pebbles88

Hello OP

Other posts have already covered what advice I'd give, so I do really hope it helps you.

Having seen a similar situation with my ex mil & sil (I'll refer to as mil & sil rather than add ex each time!)

what helped mil at the time was having a set plan agreed with her siblings about who sil would live with if anything happened to mil. Mil was the youngest sibling though so at the time me & ex hub, his brother & wife etc said obviously we'd look after her. She also had discussions with social services and our carers support charity to find out all options, she had several back up plans in place - ultimately having many options really helped her feel sil would be OK when she passes.

I would really recommend speaking to social services/local care charity to get as much info as poss & if you tell them what your concerns are, I'd be fairly sure it won't be the first time they have had to support in that particular situation.

Please please get some respite for yourself, we can all only do so much before we burn out. :A

Wishing you the best X

onlyroz

A work colleague has a 23-year-old son with Aspergers and he has somehow obtained a place in some kind of sheltered accommodation. He lives as independently as he can but has people in every day to provide assistance where needed. I'm not sure exactly how all this was arranged but I would have thought that social services would be the first port of call.

Out,_Vile_Jelly

Please speak to the charity MIND- they should be able to advise on benefits, social services and all aspects of care. It is not reasonable for you to provide 24 hour care indefinitely for your son.

http://www.mind.org.uk/

theoretica

As well as the current situation, have you thought about his eligibility for benefits if he inherits under your will, and also ability to manage the finances? You might want to think about getting a trust set up for him if you haven't already.

I suggest you have a talk with the relevant charities about what might be possible. It might be easier on you all if he moved into other supported living before things reach a crisis.

If you find you need a solicitor to ensure he gets the care he needs you may find this list useful. It is compiled by the National Autistic Society, but of more general use. http://www.autism.org.uk/directory/browse/cid=4~aid=1.aspx

jackyann

It sounds as if this situation developed slowly and you have allowed it to drift on because seeking help, applying for benefits etc. would mean difficult conversations.
However, you do have to do this, and I would think about where to begin. Who does your son see about his problems? Do you have any contact that you would trust to begin talking with?

I would suggest beginning with your GP, or maybe any of the organisations mentioned above. You may wish to talk quite a lot on your own at first, before sharing this with your son, so that you can be clear in your own mind.

The advice above is very good, and remember you need to do this both for yourself, and for your son's future. Good luck.

ska_lover

effulgence wrote: »

I do not wish to post an extended backstory about the situation but here is a brief summary. I have an adult DS who lives at home. He is in his late 20s (don't want to give exact age). He has chronic mental health problems, doesn't work and has no income. DS is completely financially dependent on us. The financial pressure of keeping him is a problem but it's not just about the money. I have not been able to go on holiday for 12 years as son would not be able to cope on his own in the house for a week. I also worry about him coping with daily life on his own after me and DH have passed away. That might be many years away but you never know. I am at that stage in life where health related niggles tend to start cropping up. Has anyone been in a similar situation with adult DCs or have any thoughts about the situation.

I am so glad you posted this. There are others in your situation.

I am in a similar situation, and if I am completely honest, I resent it. If you ever fancy a non judgemental chat, please PM me, but please be careful of over divulging on here, as people will not understand and possibly make you feel worse about your situation