Unwarranted envy

Bouncybubbles

Hi everyone I need to have a rant about life in general but I know its unwarranted just the green eyed monster coming out to play!


firstly a little bit about me as you can see in my signature we are in a DMP. We have never been good with money ever since leaving home at 18 (now 27) and have accumulated lots of debt etc. Anyway I am a student studying a degree (fully funded by NHS) and qualify in September and have a good job lined up for then (yay go me!) however this is tinged with sadness as just shortly after my wedding last august I fell pregnant with our first and had hyperemesis being hospitalised twice before eventually losing the baby at ten weeks. Now I admit that it wasn't really the right time to be having a baby with being right at the end of my degree etc however it made it no less devastating.


Now I would have been due around last week when his brother came out with the fact they were pregnant. (que the green monster). Now I have never particularly liked them as a couple due to various issues including not looking after her child from a previous relationship and abandoning her on anyone who is willing. They seem to be absolutely rolling in money as he has a good job and to quote her " I only work to buy clothes and go out to the tune of around £800/month"......


And again jealously here but she is naturally super thin and I'm chubby/fat (being honest) and to top it all of she is not sick in the slightest not even in the mornings and constantly moans about needing to eat all the time and she is going to end up fat....


I know I'm being irrational and there are people out there much worse than me but I just feel life is incredibly unfair at the moment and I feel like there is no way out. I cant decide if I am upset about her having a baby and not being ill (which is truly awful of me) or if I am just jealous of their lifestyle and ability to start a family before us even though we have been stable and together for nearly ten years.


My apologies for this tirade I am disgusted with myself for feeling this way but don't have anyone I can talk to without upsetting the apple cart so to speak.


P.S just to also add that all my creditors are still adding interest to my debts so despite paying everything I have spare £337/month my debts don't seem to be moving

Philip624

Firstly hugs to you, and its much better hugging a curvy than thin person . Its totally understandable you feeling that way having lost a baby and hopefully things will improve when you start your job, and well done you a degree and a post in the NHS I presume so it sounds like you'll be having a very worthwhile career, much more rewarding than someone who is in a job just for spending money. Re the DMP I note form your signature that you have only just started it, so I am sure creditors will freeze interest soon, most do, so your finances will improve as well.

MandM90

I'm not really sure what to say, really, other than stop being so hard on yourself! One never really knows what goes on behind closed doors, but even if your SILs life is really as fantastic as she likes people to perceive it to be, it has no relevance to your life (which sounds like you're doing really well with)

You've got a job lined up, you've faced your debts...things will get better.

I'm really sorry for your loss.

hazyjo

I'm not usually the jealous type, but I have this one friend I see in a group of 4 and she's grating on me more and more. I've tried to work out if I'm jealous, or if I really am going off her. She's very smug (and a bit argumentative and obstructive at times). Seems to lead a life that's not exactly in 'the real world' and expects everyone else to be able to and won't accept that they can't for whatever reason. I don't think it's a case of different behind closed doors, her life really is that smug.


Maybe in your case it's highlighting all you don't like about her and it's hard to see someone we don't particularly like have a happy perfect life. I think it's human to want them to fall flat on their face occasionally especially when they seem to rub everyone else's noses in it! I said as much to my BF and he was horrified as he said he didn't think I had it in me, and he knows I mean it as he's never heard me talk like that about another girl lol.


As MandM90 says, try not to be so hard on yourself.


Sorry to hear all you've been through.


Jx

-taff

If you were happy with your life and yourself, you wouldn't really care how other people live and what they have.
Maybe you should consider whether you are depressed, which would be understandable after a miscarriage and entering a DMP, so maybe seeing your doctor or a counsellor would be helpful?
Taking some kind of action or listing your achievements will let you see what you have done, and what you have got. You will be achieving a nursing degree, you took control of your debts and did something about it, you are in a happy stable relationship.
In those areas you took action, so it's just seeing that you are capable of doing things, you are not a failure and there's always a way.

ALIBOBSY

Another curvy lady here, tbh I have known many thin ladies who either starve themselves to keep like that taking no pleasure in their food, or are the opposite and would desperately love to get a few curves of their own and struggle to put on weight.

Everyone has something they haven't got, EVERYONE. Even a billionaires have issues like worrying about being robbed or attacked or kidnapped for their money and they loose the everyday things we mere mortals enjoy. Morten Harket (of A-ha) says about fame that the money and the adulation is great but you "loose the keys to the train/bus" in other words you can't just just on the train or public transport or nip to the shop when you like.

The best lessons I have learnt in my 44 yrs, through abusive relationships, health issues, 7 pregnancies and 4 children are as follows

1) Stop worrying about what other people think and do, I don't mean be horrible or greedy with those around you, just don't worry about "keeping up with the joneses". The only opinions that matter are your close family. Plus many people who look like they "have it all" are in fact up to their eyeballs in debt or doing a stressful job they hate, no one has a perfect life no matter who they are. Be your own person.

2) Bad times and hard times only last for a certain length of time, not forever. Everything has an end no matter what, treat the bad times as something to get through and make you stronger for when the good times come again (and they will)

3) Don't waste time and your life wishing for what you haven't got, concentrate on what you do have in your life, the positives. Even the things we in the west take for granted, for most of us, even when in debt access to clean water, a roof over our heads of some kind and food in our bellies isn't an issue. Many people all over the world haven't even the basics and in fact for thousands of years these basic needs were what all peoples lives revolved around. I know it sounds a bit new age, but genuinely we need to learn to be happy with what we have and take pleasure in that. You can still have dreams, but by being happy where you are they become something you can try to plan for or work to whilst enjoying the life you have instead of being in Limbo. Money won't make sad people happy, but will only enhance things for those who already enjoy life.
Take joy in the small things :j we are only here a short time.

Ali x

jackyann

Of course you are feeling rotten. In addition to the above I would say:

Accept that these feelings are normal.
Spend time around people that make you feel better rather than worse.
How does your husband feel about his brother? If they are definitely a big part of your life, then tell them you are feeling a bit overwhelmed at present and aren't good company for awhile. If not, then just avoid them for a bit.
Spend a few moments saying "goodbye" to your baby; alone, or with someone who will just understand (this may not be your husband, bereavement can be different for everyone)
When that is all done, look to the future and count your blessings.

If, after awhile, that doesn't work, then consider some professional counselling. Most NHS organisations provide it as a free service for staff . Given the stress of studying, being part of the NHS & being in debt, you may not be able to get over this without a little extra help.

Good luck with your work in the future, and your future pregnancies at a better time for you (and hyperemesis doesn't always affect every pregnancy)

pollypenny

Your feelings are understandable, especially with the timing of the pregnancy announcement.

However, you have a hold job to look forward to and you've faced your debts.

Chin up, it will get better.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Can't say any more than this -

Things WILL get better for you.

Bouncybubbles

thankyou all for your kind words and its good to know there are others out there who too try and keep up with the joneses so to speak. I am going to try and muddle through via talking with my husband however if I continue to feel like this is a couple of weeks I will see my GP as I have previously suffered with depression but that was a few years ago and I don't feel as though I am that bad yet. I am not going to see them this week as I don't feel I can face them and be super happy as I am expected to be however hopefully in time I can be! again thankyou all

TBagpuss

Please don't feel you have to wait until things are worse before you get hep from your GP. Prevention is better than cure, and they may be able to offer you some support to stop things getting that bad.

It's sensible not to see your SIL, you need to look after yourself first

My first thought reading your original post was that she sounded very insecure, if she feels the need to boast about her income etc.

Good luck