Desperate for help.

Time_to_face_the_music

Brickwall wrote: »

Hi, hope this is in the right place and people can give me some advice.

My brother has managed to get himself into a financial mess. After months of things getting ever deeper I managed to talk him into contacting stepchange, they set up some sort of payment plan. I breathed a sigh of relief because it's me he runs to and he goes on an on about all his bad luck and none of this is his fault ( it's not mine either).

I thought since setting the payment plan up things would be OK, apparently not. He's getting threatening letters, a letter a few days ago from one company said they were handing it over to a debt collecting agent, the other debt is complicated but is going up at about £70/£75 a month! He went into the bank about that one, they gave him the number for the debts department but he hasn't bothered to ring them.

Ive tried my best to help him, he tells me that he's been trying for weeks to contact stepschange but can't get through to them, I've had to ask him repeatedly for his reference number so I can email them to get them to contact him as soon as possible, that has brought no response from stepchange either.

I've advised him that the only thing I can think of now is contacting cab, his response to that was he can't be bothered to start this all over again!

I'm getting text messages off him the length of a novel, they're mostly rants, it's everyone's fault but his. I work nights, I'm being knocked out of bed to deal with letters because it's important and needs dealt with straight away, if he's not knocking on the door, he's banging on the Windows or sending never ending text messages. I'm pulling up on the drive of a morning to find him there.


Does anyone know how can I get stepchange to contact him? I'm actually becoming more and more stressed at the whole situation, and it's not even my debt! I felt like sitting crying today.

Thanks for reading.

Hi Brickwall

Why does he need to speak to Stepchange? If this is a Debt Management Plan (DMP) they have set up for him, you will probably find that Stepchange are making the payments but the creditors are still charging interest. This is quite a common situation so your brother will need to challenge the interest charges.

The debt being handed over to a debt collecting agent is pretty routine, it will be defaulted, then handed over to a DCA and interest will usually stop. Stepchange will need to be informed that the creditor has handed it over and their payment will change from the original creditor to the DCA.

With the debt being charged interest, your brother needs to make a complaint to the creditor, then follow this up with the Financial Ombudsman Service (FOS) if he does not get the response he wants. I would advise visiting the DMP & Mutual Support Thread, the people there are full of wonderful advice, help, experience and support:

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/5285089

You will also find some excellent template letters for contacting creditors on National Debtline website:

https://www.nationaldebtline.org/EW/sampleletters/Pages/default.aspx

Ultimately of course this is your brother's problem but we all know people can be hard to ignore and it sounds like you are the one you needs the support. Maybe if you help him get this sorted, he will give you a bit of peace!

TTFTM x

Brickwall

Thank you for the advice. I do keep telling him to stop going on and on, he acknowledges the debt, but can't stop looking to blame others, even going back years. I've told him that he signed on the dotted line, no one forced him to sign. I've told him he's 57, he needs to get a grip and grow up, I'm not his parent at the end of the day.

I know they've set up a DMP, I haven't seen the letters but according to what he's saying the bailiffs will be coming.

I blame my parents for a lot of this, when they were alive he never faced up to any responsibilities, they would just give him money to bail him out.

National_Debtline

Brickwall wrote: »

I know they've set up a DMP, I haven't seen the letters but according to what he's saying the bailiffs will be coming.

Hi

For debts that can be included in a DMP, bailiffs could only be used if a creditor has taken him to court and he hasn’t paid. More likely creditors might have threatened they may do this or that as part of their standard letters. They can use a debt collection agency at this point but they can be referred to Stepchange to make arrangements.

Do you have a rough idea of how much your brother owes, how much he can afford to pay each month towards debts and whether he owns any assets? I’m wondering whether bankruptcy or a DRO might be viable to have the debts written off. It seems like this situation is causing a lot of stress to multiple people so a fresh start might be what he needs.

James
@natdebtline

-taff

Well done. Now cut him off the second he starts talking about it again, with 'we've already talked about that, I'm not having this conversation again' or words to that effect. Use it in text messages too if you feel like responding.
In my experience, if you respond though, they will keep texting more and more. Ignore any texts like that and just respond to any that are innocuous.
If you want to, provide him with links to how-to's, even show him this forum [you can delete your thread if you like] he will get any help he needs here. You could always say you don't have the knowledge to help him so he must do it himself, or face the consequences.

dancingfairy

Banging on your door when you've been working nights and banging the windows etc is not acceptable. If it was a stranger you'd say they were stalking and harassing you, why should you have to put up with this from your own brother.
I would be tempted to lay out some ground rules and try and stick to them ie if he vangs on the door you will ignore him, presumably after 1/2 hour or so he will give up. The next day hopefully the banging will only last 20 mins etc etc.
If you keep doing what you're doing its going to carry on from what you've said. You need to try and change how you deal with it. Certainly going away for a few days sounds like a good plan as suggested earlier.
The only other thing I can think of is to tell him his behaviour is not acceptable and if he continues you will go to a solicitor/ the police.
What a horrible situation to be in. It sounds like you've done your best to help but if he won't help himself then you need to take steps to protect yourself as otherwise he'll drag you down with him.
Df

pathtofreedom

Could it be worth asking him to see his gp, to get some help as he is stressed - or something along those lines - as this behaviour does sound obsessive, and if has been going on a long time it sounds like he could do with some cbt or counselling or something to help him deal with his situation.

Brickwall

National_Debtline wrote: »

Hi

For debts that can be included in a DMP, bailiffs could only be used if a creditor has taken him to court and he hasn’t paid. More likely creditors might have threatened they may do this or that as part of their standard letters. They can use a debt collection agency at this point but they can be referred to Stepchange to make arrangements.

Do you have a rough idea of how much your brother owes, how much he can afford to pay each month towards debts and whether he owns any assets? I’m wondering whether bankruptcy or a DRO might be viable to have the debts written off. It seems like this situation is causing a lot of stress to multiple people so a fresh start might be what he needs.

James
@natdebtline

Thank you for the reply. I'm aware that the debts are over 10,000, in fact one loan alone is 10,000. He has an overdraft that is being fined each time they go to collect payment plus a fine of a £1 a day, how much that's at now I don't know, there is one other debt that I know of that's about £600/£700 From what he's saying he's paying £3 a month to stepschange.

He went onto JSA in February, It was me that had to fill the claim forms for that and housing benefit in for him. He demands that I go to his house every time he gets a letter, if I don't he turns up here. I've had text messages at work wanting me to go to his on the way home.

I'm sitting in my own home with my blinds shut and the door locked, it's not a nice situation to be in. I feel terrible that I haven't told him that my phones up and running, he's constantly texting my daughter moaning about how long my phones been off.

I understand he's stressed, but he's also not helping himself, I've told him to ring people today and give them his stepschange reference number, he'll do it in a few days???

elsien

Brickwall wrote: »

He went onto JSA in February, It was me that had to fill the claim forms for that and housing benefit in for him. He demands that I go to his house every time he gets a letter, if I don't he turns up here. I've had text messages at work wanting me to go to his on the way home.

I'm sitting in my own home with my blinds shut and the door locked, it's not a nice situation to be in. I feel terrible that I haven't told him that my phones up and running, he's constantly texting my daughter moaning about how long my phones been off.

Why do you feel this strong sense of obligation? I know he's your brother but he's also an adult who needs to take responsibility for himself. I'd have told my siblings to take a running jump long before now if they behaved like this.
Genuine question, because if you can disentangle why you're feeling you have to do it all then it may help you to be able to step away.

-taff

People here often talk about the light bulb moment as the moment they faced the consequences of their actions. It sounds as if your brother has yet to have his, and may never have his.

As I said before, i had the same kind of thing with someone else. They always needed my help to sort things out, anything, from connecting up a computer, to cooking but miraculously managed to learn anything that was important to them, trashed things I loaned them, but managed to look after the exact same things when they spent the money on them.

It got to a point where I felt genuinely afraid for them when anything happened that any other adult would just get on with, and after a while, i began to question why on earth I was the one feeling obligated to do things, and I was the one who felt I had to do things for them.

I felt guilty for a long time after I stopped myself from being the responsible one, the one who took care of them, and they were an adult, perfectly capable of looking after themselves, but living in a total dream world where the world owed them, they disliked anyone who they felt had more but couldn't see their actions were what lead them to the place they were in.
A couple of years later, my life is much better and I wonder how I let myself get sucked into being like that in the first place. Probably something with being instilled with a sense of responsibility [misplaced] and probably also something to do with not wanting to rock any boats, not wanting to lose my temper and also to do with being liked.

That was all a bit long winded, but if you recognise any of the above, then you know it's possible to take a step back and put your lights on, open your curtains and live.

That's a probably a bit TMI, but what the hell, it may help, if only to know that you are not alone in reacting as you are.

Brickwall

elsien wrote: »

Why do you feel this strong sense of obligation? I know he's your brother but he's also an adult who needs to take responsibility for himself. I'd have told my siblings to take a running jump long before now if they behaved like this.
Genuine question, because if you can disentangle why you're feeling you have to do it all then it may help you to be able to step away.

I think part of the problem is, when he doesn't get his own way, or things don't go his way, he can become extremely aggressive, he'll smash things up, throw phones off walls, become quite abusive. Over the years I think I've given in rather than have this, but it's taking its toll on me now and I'm worn out.

Another thing that's always stuck in my mind is, my parents always said that when the time came for them to die they wouldn't worry about me, on the other hand they didn't know how he was going to cope, my dad actually said that he thinks my brother will take his own life in time to come because of the way he goes on. I've always felt it was unfair of my parents to say that to me, it's been like carrying a dead weight for years.