Desperate for help.

Brickwall

Hi, hope this is in the right place and people can give me some advice.

My brother has managed to get himself into a financial mess. After months of things getting ever deeper I managed to talk him into contacting stepchange, they set up some sort of payment plan. I breathed a sigh of relief because it's me he runs to and he goes on an on about all his bad luck and none of this is his fault ( it's not mine either).

I thought since setting the payment plan up things would be OK, apparently not. He's getting threatening letters, a letter a few days ago from one company said they were handing it over to a debt collecting agent, the other debt is complicated but is going up at about £70/£75 a month! He went into the bank about that one, they gave him the number for the debts department but he hasn't bothered to ring them.

Ive tried my best to help him, he tells me that he's been trying for weeks to contact stepschange but can't get through to them, I've had to ask him repeatedly for his reference number so I can email them to get them to contact him as soon as possible, that has brought no response from stepchange either.

I've advised him that the only thing I can think of now is contacting cab, his response to that was he can't be bothered to start this all over again!

I'm getting text messages off him the length of a novel, they're mostly rants, it's everyone's fault but his. I work nights, I'm being knocked out of bed to deal with letters because it's important and needs dealt with straight away, if he's not knocking on the door, he's banging on the Windows or sending never ending text messages. I'm pulling up on the drive of a morning to find him there.


Does anyone know how can I get stepchange to contact him? I'm actually becoming more and more stressed at the whole situation, and it's not even my debt! I felt like sitting crying today.

Thanks for reading.

cmcavon

I'm not sure why he's having so many problems with stepchange contacting him. We set up a DMP a couple of years ago, most of it was done online then I rang them about a few bits. I didn't need to wait for them to contact me at any point though, it was all really easy and straightforward. My memory of the actual process we went through is a little patchy but was definitely pretty stress-free.

If he's got a reference number from them then he just needs to give that to the companies chasing him for payment and tell them to contact stepchange.

Sorry to be blunt but if he "can't be bothered" then nothing you say or do is going to change that, he needs to take responsibility for his debt and deal with it. Yes be there to support him but you can't actually do it for him.

QueenBeruthiel

Change your phone number.

Go to stay with a friend for a few days.

These are his problems, not yours. You have gone above and beyond in trying to help, but it is now affecting your health, and I recommend that you step back, for your own good.

Put some distance between him and you until he stops this harassment (which is what it is).

Brickwall

Thank you for the replies. I'll tell him today that he needs to contact those chasing the debts and give them his reference number, hopefully this will put a stop to them sending threatening letters.

I'm off work for a week, I'm also changing my phone, I knew I could be without a service for 24 hours, that was Monday, it's now Thursday, my new phone has been up and running since Tuesday but I haven't told him, I feel really bad about it but I just can't cope with it. My daughter sent him a text telling him that I'd be without a phone, so, he's been sending her huge text messages, she asked me if this is what he's been doing, she's furious about it, she was before she had a dose of his messages, they're very snotty, full of exclamation marks, no need for it to be honest. I have on a few occasions shut the blinds and locked the door, I shouldn't have to live in my own home like this.

tallyhoh

Has he actually contacted step change? Having lived with someone like your brother for many years its possible he hasn't, just wants everyone else to do the work for him.

Brickwall

tallyhoh wrote: »

Has he actually contacted step change? Having lived with someone like your brother for many years its possible he hasn't, just wants everyone else to do the work for him.

Thank you for the reply. Yes, he has contacted them, I did finally get their reference number off him, I know he's set up a direct debit with them. I honestly thought when they did that it would all settle down.

I'm the one trying to get help because it's really stressing me out, he's a 57 year old man, it was his bad decisions that have gotten him in this mess. He comes to mine and sits for hours going on and on about its everyone's fault but his, if I'm not in he's sending text message after text message. I got one on Sunday morning demanding that I go around to his straight away, this was at 7 in the morning!

-taff

You can either put up with it or stop.

You don't need to listen to him or agree with him or read his texts. If he does't accept responsibiliy for spending e money in tte first place, that is his problem not yours. Persoally, having been on the receiving end of someone who things 'happened to' for years, I grew a bit less tolerant, and now won't put up with it. Tell him you've helped him as much as you can, but it is now his responsibility to keep on with his financial agreements, and there's no need to rehash his old mistakes, and that you are also not going to do that anymore.

elsien

Brickwall wrote: »

I'm the one trying to get help because it's really stressing me out, he's a 57 year old man, it was his bad decisions that have gotten him in this mess. He comes to mine and sits for hours going on and on about its everyone's fault but his, if I'm not in he's sending text message after text message. I got one on Sunday morning demanding that I go around to his straight away, this was at 7 in the morning!

Don't let him. If he starts going on, tell him you don't want to hear it any more. He can either change the subject or leave. You really don't have to put up with it, family or not.
Are you giving in to his demands to sort things straight away? It may be easier in the short term but it's not going to stop until you put your foot down.
Try the broken record technique - contact Stepchange, try them again, try them again.......

Brickwall

elsien wrote: »

Don't let him. If he starts going on, tell him you don't want to hear it any more. He can either change the subject or leave. You really don't have to put up with it, family or not.
Are you giving in to his demands to sort things straight away? It may be easier in the short term but it's not going to stop until you put your foot down.
Try the broken record technique - contact Stepchange, try them again, try them again.......

I've tried all of that, he just can't or won't shut up, and it's all poor me. I asked my daughter to text him and tell him to contact the people that are sending the letters and tell them about stepschange and to give them his reference number, he sent back saying he will in a couple of days!

-taff

Again, the debts are his responsibility.
You can't make someone understand their situation if they dno't want to acknowledge it or respond in a manner you think is right.

I understand you feel responsible for him..
If he's still talking about it, it means you're still listening to it. It's difficult, but cease all conversation about it until he understands that you are not doing the work/worry/contacting for him, he has to take responsibility.
He is 57, not a child, and you are his sister, not his mother or his carer.

KxMx

I sympathise with you. You need to carry on with the coping mechanisms as suggested. It may take a long time but the message should sink in. As long as you are consistent and stick to it.

As for the latest text, it is up to him when to make contact with them. Take him at his word and ignore any further rants/ delete texts unread or say " you said you would contact x on y "etc over and over.

Sometimes our reactions are what "feeds" their behaviour. So starvation time lol.