Please help - dad being serially defrauded online

dw96

I apologise if this has been discussed elsewhere but searching/looking through the forums, I see no obvious post beforehand.

I am from 1 of the Scandinavian countries, first studying and I'm now living (working) here in the UK. The rest of my family is still my home country. This began in June of last year, when it emerged once it had already happened, that my dad found a love online. The "woman" in question was from Russia, a teacher half his age but speaking his language. Loosing several thousands of US dollars, he was understandably distraught. He did realise after a little while that it was a scam and went to the police.

Unfortunately, this has not stopped him from continuing down the same path. Initially, continuing using the same website (match.com). We managed to catch him before sending off money to a second fraud, but he then went on to a new website ending up sending money to 2 other fraudsters online.

I have now only just found out (through my brother), that he has been borrowing unsecured debt (the equivalent of payday loans, judging by the interest they charge) and he's now so skint he won't be able to pay this month's rent. He's been retired for 10 years, so "fortunately" as a pensioner he cannot borrow as much as someone in employment.

My brother has spent virtually all available time calling/seeking advice. But one of the problems appears to be that while there are helplines for people with gambling or drug addictions, there is little in the way of helping people being defrauded through dating online.

Financially, while we are not rich and I haven't seen the total debts yet, we can probably sort those out. Paying the rent for instance would be doddle, But it feels like we cannot trust him any more. What's to say if we give him the money he obviously needs to survive, that he doesn't send them on to his romantic interest - a female sergeant nurse in the US Army, apparently wrongfully fingered for smuggling narcotics through the Nigerian customs....

He just doesn't seem to face up to his problems..

-- Clarification --

I don't expect anyone to be expert on how things work back home, but any advice/experience of this matter would be greatly appreciated - I just feel pretty impotent about this.

hollydays

Are you saying he's got an addiction to helping people?

Androider

I understand your frustration about your dads addiction to these dating sites, maybe you could limit his money to a weekly grocery shop and pay his rent, utilities and any other payments to be made for living. I am not judging him but his problem sounds very serious, I am not able to find any reliable sources to offer him help with his romances. I'm sure there is a way in which his money gets paid to yourself or your brother who can then do his online shopping and other payments. I know this sounds inhumane but it's probably your only option to control his spending. Maybe one day he will learn from his mistakes, he sounds like he has a heart of gold and falls in love too easily leaving him wide open to these fraudulent, evil people. Good Luck :-)

Stevie_Palimo

I would imagine like all or most of these types of scams that you will not get anything back and the only way to resolve any further spending by him is to cut off his internet and remove all internet based items from him, May not be what you want to hear but if he is of sound mind and giving money away freely then you will have to take drastic action or leave him to it.

Sometimes there is no helping people and this even applies to loved one who are blinkered to what they really want.

Androider

Well said Mr Palimo, I couldn't agree more. You got to be cruel to be kind sometimes :-)

hollydays

You could educate him of the " rules" of basic scams too such as this which sounds very similar
http://www.thelocal.se/20130212/46142

"involved in online dating to proceed with caution when corresponding with persons claiming to be US Soldiers currently serving in Iraq, Afghanistan or elsewhere," they wrote on their website.

The Command claims to receive hundreds of reports each month from people who have met fictitious soldiers from legitimate dating websites.

They warn to be extremely suspicious at all times, to never send money, and to be highly cautious of anyone who "who pledges their love at warp speed".

Stevie_Palimo

hollydays wrote: »

You could educate him of the " rules" of basic scams too such as this which sounds very similar
http://www.thelocal.se/20130212/46142

"involved in online dating to proceed with caution when corresponding with persons claiming to be US Soldiers currently serving in Iraq, Afghanistan or elsewhere," they wrote on their website.

The Command claims to receive hundreds of reports each month from people who have met fictitious soldiers from legitimate dating websites.

They warn to be extremely suspicious at all times, to never send money, and to be highly cautious of anyone who "who pledges their love at warp speed".

Easier said than done with the older generation, They do believe in most cases that they know best.

hollydays

Agreed, it's a difficult situation and he's probably on a " suckers list"

elsien

If he's of sound mind then without his consent no one is in a position to do anything drastic such as control his money and his internet. How would you feel if a family member tried to do that to you, however well intentioned?

OP, are you able to have a conversation with him about this? Might he agree to let someone else help him manage his money till he gets things under control? Although that wouldn't stop him trying to take out additional loans. Perhaps help him set up a new email address with a better spam filter to get rid of some of the begging emails.

Maybe you need to help him look at the root causes of the behaviour - is he lonely or missing having a relationship? Could you point him in the direction of more appropriate ways of meeting people?

dw96

Thank you everyone for your responses.

As far as I'm aware, he is of sound mind. He's always been careful with money and spending before, so I'm wondering whether something has changed his personality within the last ~12 months (depression?). I'm thinking the cold turkey approach would be anything remotely guaranteeing a change. However, that would risk pushing him further away. In addition, during a conversation with my brother when asked how he was going to repay all his debts (including to friends) without any income apart from its pension, he mentioned "taking his life". As if that would be any kind of option. Or even worth joking about, ever.

My best idea so for this to book a couple of days off and fly over to see him in person. Maybe if I talk to him face-to-face, diplomatically and without assigning any blame, I might be able to get through to him. The problem is, I have thought that I have been able to get through with him in the past. Only for him to find a new "person" on the existing dating website, and then repeating the same pattern. At least he is sage enough to stay clear of phishing emails, although chances are he's sitting on someone's "suckers list" (as pointed out above).

Maybe if I can get him to seek professional help (a psychiatrist?), that might help.

bluelass

I don't want to upset you or sound awful. But your dad needs to man up and stop being a sucker.
There must be some clubs for old people to make friends or relationships in the area he lives in.
And if you or your family keep on bailing him out every time he will carry on knowing full well you will carry his burden.
I have an uncle who was being very silly and thought he was a clever clogs. Then my aunt left him filed for divorce and he eventually ended up in the situation he said he didn't want which is in care.
Even old people like to play the woe card when they do daft things.
You sound a nice bloke and hard working it is not your responsibility every time your dad acts the fool.