Husband has got us into unmanageable debt

lessonlearned

I feel your pain Spendless - hopefully your son will find something that sparks his interest one day. Not all children are academic, even if they are bright. I know several adults who struggled at school despite being very smart. Once they got out into the adult world they found their feet and blossomed. One is a self made millionaire.......his teachers wrote him off as hopeless. Ha. What did they know.

When my babies were little I felt like an abject failure as a mother (and a hopeless wife too for that matter). I was so exhausted. My eldest seemed to be have one chest infection after another and was eventually diagnosed with asthma. He nearly died at one point. Then I had to go into hospital When he was four months old for a gynaecological op to repair the damage caused by giving birth. Then just as I started to get better we had a car crash and I was hospitalised again.

Those early years were so hard and I felt useless. All the other new mums of my acquaintance just seemed to sail through it all. I was a wreck.....

However, when my kids were teenagers everything was great - turns out I was a great mum with teenagers, wise, patient, tolerant, understanding and apparently good fun and just strict enough for them to sit up and take notice. They didn't even mind walking down the street with me.......:rotfl: we never had the awful teenage battles and traumas that some parents endure.

They have turned out to be fabulous young men who make me glow with pride. When my husband was ill and I became his primary Carer my youngest son came back home to help me - not many young men of 25 would help put their dads to bed at night.

But I digress.....

I just know from my own past experiences that motherhood is not always rosy and that new mum's - even if it's their second child - come under lots of pressure just when they are perhaps physically at their lowest ebb. Throw debt into the mix and a husband who spends money like water and you have one very stressed out young woman.

This is why I felt it wrong to judge Scotslass and why I am concerned she has not posted again. Hopefully she is catching up on some much needed sleep.

Yes she could well be living somewhere fairly remote and as they don't have a car shopping around for best bargains might be a bit problematic, especially dragging two tinies along.......not my idea of fun.

Tiddlywinks

lessonlearned wrote: »

Im reading between the lines I know so could be way off beam but I get the feeling that scotslass is perhaps a bit isolated. All new mum's need support - preferably from their own mums or aunts etc but that's not always possible.

When I had my babies I had no one because we had moved away and although my neighbour was lovely she was battling breast cancer so was too ill to help me (she subsequently died). Luckily I had joined the NCT and we mum's supported each other.

The day I passed out I rang my NCT leader in a blind panic. She rushed over and whisked me off to her house for the day, where I just sat and fed the baby and then dozed off on the sofa whilst her children took it in turns to cuddle my baby to give me a rest.

I think your idea is lovely, maybe someone like you to act as a surrogate mum is just what she needs right now.

We all need support sometimes.

lessonlearned wrote: »

I feel your pain Spendless - hopefully your son will find something that sparks his interest one day. Not all children are academic, even if they are bright. I know several adults who struggled at school despite being very smart. Once they got out into the adult world they found their feet and blossomed. One is a self made millionaire.......his teachers wrote him off as hopeless. Ha. What did they know.

When my babies were little I felt like an abject failure as a mother (and a hopeless wife too for that matter). I was so exhausted. My eldest seemed to be have one chest infection after another and was eventually diagnosed with asthma. He nearly died at one point. Then I had to go into hospital When he was four months old for a gynaecological op to repair the damage caused by giving birth. Then just as I started to get better we had a car crash and I was hospitalised again.

Those early years were so hard and I felt useless. All the other new mums of my acquaintance just seemed to sail through it all. I was a wreck.....

However, when my kids were teenagers everything was great - turns out I was a great mum with teenagers, wise, patient, tolerant, understanding and apparently good fun and just strict enough for them to sit up and take notice. They didn't even mind walking down the street with me.......:rotfl: we never had the awful teenage battles and traumas that some parents endure.

They have turned out to be fabulous young men who make me glow with pride. When my husband was ill and I became his primary Carer my youngest son came back home to help me - not many young men of 25 would help put their dads to bed at night.

But I digress.....

I just know from my own past experiences that motherhood is not always rosy and that new mum's - even if it's their second child - come under lots of pressure just when they are perhaps physically at their lowest ebb. Throw debt into the mix and a husband who spends money like water and you have one very stressed out young woman.

This is why I felt it wrong to judge Scotslass and why I am concerned she has not posted again. Hopefully she is catching up on some much needed sleep.

Yes she could well be living somewhere fairly remote and as they don't have a car shopping around for best bargains might be a bit problematic, especially dragging two tinies along.......not my idea of fun.

What?

I think you've gone way beyond reading between the lines. You've made this very personal to your own past experiences.

How is most of the above relevant?

It's great that you like to share your history BUT those are YOUR experiences and your reactions to your events.

Making sweeping assumptions about possible vulnerabilities of posters is just as unhelpful as some of the more hardened replies you object to as your tangents deflect attention from the facts as presented by the OP.

lessonlearned

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

What?

I think you've gone way beyond reading between the lines. You've made this very personal to your own past experiences.

How is most of the above relevant?

It's great that you like to share your history BUT those are YOUR experiences and your reactions to your events.

Making sweeping assumptions about possible vulnerabilities of posters is just as unhelpful as some of the more hardened replies you object to as your tangents deflect attention from the facts as presented by the OP.

Maybe you are right. Maybe I read too deeply between the lines. But.....I don't judge people.

Whilst my story may indeed be totally irrelevant I told it because I believe that some posters on here were extremely rude to Scotslass and overly judgemental. I shared merely to illustrate that sometimes there can be more to a situation than at first meets the eye and that we shouldn't be too quick to judge.

Yes millions and millions of women cope very well indeed. Your phrase I believe. However some don't and we ought to remember that before making unkind remarks.

Again I wasn't directing my remarks at you alone. In my opinion Happy MJs post was much worse than yours.

Martin has expressly asked us to be kind to newcomers and not to pass judgement. As he points out they are here for help and advice.

Since when does sarcasm (Happy MJ) and lecturing (you) constitute advice and/or support.

Yes I may well be reading a vulnerability that isn't there, but somewhow I doubt it. Sometimes we just get a "feeling" - call it intuition. TBH I don't usually get it wrong, my instincts are pretty sharp in these matters. I usually read people and situations accurately.

Bottom line is - maybe I'm just a nicer person than you.:rotfl:

Or ..........maybe I'm just a pushover..........and too softhearted..but my initial reaction was to want to help Scotslass and not make her feel silly or small, which I fear some of the replies on here may well have done.

It looks like we won't find out because she hasn't posted again.

What a pity it would be if she has been scared off.

Tiddlywinks

lessonlearned wrote: »

... Sometimes we just get a "feeling" - call it intuition. TBH I don't usually get it wrong, my instincts are pretty sharp in these matters. I usually read people and situations accurately.

Bottom line is - maybe I'm just a nicer person than you.:rotfl:

I'll add that to the list of all the other relevant qualities you've shared with us today about yourself. I mean, I already know what a great mum you are, your boys are super successful (one even being a millionaire) and, now, you are never wrong.

I'll slope off now because, clearly, your input is all that is required.

themull1

Is your husband sorry? What has he said?

Scotslass1974

Hi everyone, thanks for all the comments, yes I found some of them pretty judgmental but don't worry, I'm not that easily scared off (or young, sadly!) ��

So it's all good news... Firstly I totally forgot when I posted my SOA that I have paid the council tax off completely already (in preparation for maternity pay I overpaid last year so it was done early, then continued paying during the 'free' months, so that when my bill came I only owed £200, which is already paid). I know that's not the most money saving thing to do as there's no interest but on a practical level it was easy. So that's an extra £100 out the budget, which is good because although we've agreed to have £250 as our food target I'm concerned we will struggle to do this.

Even better, I've been through all of our savings pots (I have accounts for all sorts, from house insurance to clothes to dentist and that holiday account) and we have enough to completely pay off the highest interest loan (over £1,200 at 140% APR - ouch! The information I had was outdated, apparently they had called him up and offered to extend the loan about a week before I found out so the monthly payment for that one is actually over £200!). And I have about £800 on offer at 0% for 9 months on my BOS card so I can make a big dent in the other short term loan with that. Hubby reckons he can make £200-300 selling some gadgets so we could hopefully clear the other loan off quite quickly too.

So thanks very much for all the comments and advice, and particularly to lessonslearned and others who were positive - I think I really needed a 'you can do this' because in a way I had to go against my old debt advice training - on paper we looked like we needed a debt solution and couldn't manage but with a bit of effort (and me letting go of the savings cushion, I'm nervous about that whilst on mat pay but hey ho) we'll be OK.

Our referral for couples counselling was finished today so hopefully we'll be starting that in the next week or two, and his individual counselling appointment has come through too, so fingers crossed this will be a new start... Not where I wanted to be (or indeed thought we were!) but it's where we are and we have to make the best of it!

And yes, I have (and love!) a slow cooker - in fact yesterday's dinner was beef brisket done in there and it was delicious �� I've also been trawling one of my favourite websites - Jack Monroe's - and we're going to try a few more recipes from there. Baby will be starting solids in a few weeks so it's going to get messy ��

lessonlearned

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

I'll add that to the list of all the other relevant qualities you've shared with us today about yourself. I mean, I already know what a great mum you are, your boys are super successful (one even being a millionaire) and, now, you are never wrong.

I'll slope off now because, clearly, your input is all that is required.

I think you are mistaken, I did not say my son was a millionaire - neither of them are. The self made millionaire I mentioned is a young man I know, the son of a friend. His teachers wrote him off because he wasn't academically inclined. But it turns out he was smart and a real go getter with a head for business.

And I did not say that my sons were super successful.

I said they were fabulous young men who made me glow with pride, especially the youngest who came home to help me take care of his dying father.

As for being a great Mum, well I did my best.......all anyone can do.

I freely admit that I struggled when they were babies but I seem to have come into my own when they were teenagers. The "great mum" remark was a wry tongue in cheek throwaway comparing the disastrous early years with the more successful teenager years. We did seem to get through the teenage years unscathed and without the trauma, trials and tribulations that some parents have to endure.

I don't take all the credit, it was mainly down to the fact that they had a fantastic father who guided and and advised them and who was the fount of all wisdom.

Now that he is dead the boys and I are closer than ever. They miss him very much so I try to be both mother and father to them.

And as for your final point about me being never wrong. Well when it comes to character assessment I simply rely on my gut instincts. They rarely let me down......

I am no saint, but I don't pre-judge people and I certainly don't stoop to sarcasm to win arguments .....

lessonlearned

Hi Scotslass.....so glad you are back.

Wow - what fantastic progress you have made. Your situation sounds rosier already.

In a previous life I was trained in debt management. I worked for a building society handling mortgage arrears so yes I take your point about how debt management theory can be quite different from how it works in practice.

As you say what seems impossible on paper can in fact be do-able with a bit of careful juggling, a bit of know how and a dash of imaginative thinking.

I cheerfully admit to being a "glass half full" kind of person and that my endless Polyanna optimism often drives other people crazy but I genuinely believe that a positive can do attitude can work minor miracles.

You are in the right place, the good people on these boards are a mine of useful information and for the most part a kindly lot. Just ignore the snipers.

I won't be around for a while, I'm off to Barcelona to see my adorable eldest son get married to his lovely Venezuelan firecracker. A daughter at last

OK a DIL, but she's fab and we get on like a house on fire.

Keep posting, keep learning - I think you are going to be just fine.

All the best. X

Scotslass1974

Thanks! Have a brilliant time in Barcelona, such a lovely place

My two are boys so I get what you mean!

Scotslass1974

Evening all

So today we've completely cleared the 140% interest loan (almost £1,300) just from our various pots of savings, and I've paid £405 towards the other loan (that money is a long story, I was expecting to receive it in the next year or two but got it early due to our circumstances), leaving £740-ish to clear. I feel really nervous having nothing in our savings account, and already had a panic yesterday when we spent more than expected at our dental appointment (hubby needed a filling).

Today my £100 pre-paid card from BT came in the post, which was a sign-up bonus from them, plus I'm due £175 cashback on Quidco at some point from that. So we're going to use the card for food shopping which will hopefully enable us to pay some more off, but if not it should ease our way into a lower shopping spend. Hubby will be requesting a new card from his highest-interest credit card so I can do a £500 balance transfer and he can then pay another £500 off the remaining loan. Plus I used the eligibility calc and was unexpectedly approved for a no-fee 22 month 0% card from AA - only a limit of £1,700 but one of OH's cards is nearly £3k at 27.9% so every little bit should help - the minimum payment is higher on the new card but we should be ok with that as the loans will be paid off.

And I'm rambling now... Think I'm going to start a diary in that section now instead, or is it ok to keep posting here? I probably won't be that regular!