Husband has got us into unmanageable debt

Tiddlywinks

Scotslass1974 wrote: »

We made the decision after having our first child that time with family was most important to us and we both reduced our hours at work and resigned ourselves to a tight budget in order to get the amount of time with kids that we wanted.

That decision was made when you had the luxury of lower debts / repayment commitments.

Scotslass1974 wrote: »

I'm confident if we both try we can cut the shopping bill - but in all honesty being on maternity leave doesn't give me time to cook. My baby feeds every 2 hours round the clock and takes all his naps in my arms if we're in the house - my eldest was the same! I have to go to bed when he does at 7pm just to try and grab enough sleep to get by

Sorry but you need to face facts - millions upon millions of women have raised families through the years whilst managing to cook.

Not that long ago it was having to cook whilst also hand washing clothes, sheets etc plus manually doing dishes. Childcare was also more limited too.

Just because something will be more difficult or less convenient does not make it impossible.

Tough times call for tough measures. It is far from impossible to cook whilst looking after two children.

HappyMJ

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

Sorry but you need to face facts - millions upon millions of women have raised families through the years whilst managing to cook.

Not that long ago it was having to cook whilst also hand washing clothes, sheets etc plus manually doing dishes. Childcare was also more limited too.

Just because something will be more difficult or less convenient does not make it impossible.

Tough times call for tough measures. It is far from impossible to cook whilst looking after two children.

No time...too busy....Facebook, Messenger, Whatsapp, baby sleeping in arms, washing machine finishes cycle, dryer needs emptying, kitchen needs cleaning, sleep needed (although not sure why a power nap can't be achieved whilst baby asleep in arms..but anyway). Not really sure why OP is going to bed at such an early hour of 7PM either. Yes baby needs feeding every 2 hours but surely the husband (from expressed milk if breast feeding) can do that at least once during the night so the mother can have at least 6 hours continuous sleep between feeds as time between feeds stretches to 3 hours at night.

lessonlearned

Depends on the baby........my first one didn't believe in sleep - he screamed if you put him in his cot - he left me feeling like a zombie. As for expressing milk - he would spit it out if it came out of a bottle - it was me or nothing.:rotfl: so no breaks from feeding. I did nod off though whilst feeding him.

My second one slept round the clock. He slept so much I was worried he was brain damaged......:rotfl: I asked the doctor to check him over I was so concerned. He just laughed and said not all babies are like your first child. The second one was so sleepy we christened him doormouse. He's now pushing 30 and still likes his kip.

I can remember those first few years as clear as day. I walked round in a continual state of exhaustion - some days it took me me all my time to deal with the babies. Cooking a proper meal was an optional extra. Many a time my poor long suffering husband had to make do with something on toast after a long day at work.

We got through it though - as you do - and had many a laugh about the eldest and his refusal to sleep.

All the medics told me it was because he was obviously "highly intelligent". Ha. I was not amused at the time - all I wanted was sleep. Although as he now has A PhD in maths, maybe they were on to something.:rotfl:

I don't think it's necessary to judge Scotslass so harshly, she has made mistakes yes and is obviously struggling with a toddler and a newborn as well as trying to cope with a spendthrift husband and a load of debt. It must be very hard for her.

She came on here for advice and support not to be judged.

Tiddlywinks

lessonlearned wrote: »

She came on here for advice and support not to be judged.

BUT... since when is pointing out that cooking from scratch is cheaper and suggesting there is no reason she can't do that actually being judgemental?

The OP is at home all day and her husband has reduced his hours - that's a luxury they cannnot afford with increased debt... surely increasing working hours to increase income whilst reducing grocery bills by cooking from scratch is just a sensible way to go.

TheSilverYew

Oh OP, I am so sorry, reading through your posts. I don't have anything to add bar that all debt can be solved, and that you need to find out where the money has gone. You can do it!

lessonlearned

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

BUT... since when is pointing out that cooking from scratch is cheaper and suggesting there is no reason she can't do that actually being judgemental?

The OP is at home all day and her husband has reduced his hours - that's a luxury they cannnot afford with increased debt... surely increasing working hours to increase income whilst reducing grocery bills by cooking from scratch is just a sensible way to go.

I appreciate that you were simply pointing out the obvious but you could have worded it a bit more gently........

There may be very valid reasons why Scotslass is finding it all rather a struggle at the moment. Maybe she has no family or close friends nearby she can turn to. Her husband doesnt sound particularly helpful. She sounded at a very low ebb and I just felt that she needs kindness and encouragement right now, not censure.

Whilst the solution may seem blindingly obvious to you and me as outsiders, sometimes it can be very hard to think straight when you are in the thick of it, particularly when you are exhausted. At such times it can be difficult to see the wood from the trees and solutions can seem elusive.

As I said I remember only too well the total exhaustion I experienced with a baby who wouldn't sleep and who needed feeding every couple of hours so I can empathise with her. I know what it is like to feel so tired that you feel sick and dizzy from lack of sleep. I did in fact pass out one morning - whilst holding my baby - luckily I landed on my bed and didn't drop my baby or land on him. It was very frightening.

At that point I wasn't very competent in the kitchen either, half the time I couldn't even manage to get to the shops to buy food let alone cook it. Luckily my husband was very understanding and quite liked fish and chips......

I think that under normal circumstances your post wasn't too bad, you obviously meant well. However, the circumstances are not normal. Scotslass is very tired, worried and under stress.

Actually it was Happy MJs post which I found to be unnecessarily harsh and judgemental. We don't know the full story. The birth may have been difficult and scotslass might not be fully recovered yet. Who knows, therefore all the more reason to go gently.

Scotslass hasn't posted again. I am concerned that she might have been scared off just at a time when she needed a bit of support.

Willowpop

Just posting to echo the calls for a slow cooker. Literally takes 15 mins to make a few nights food.
When I'm on an early shift at work, I chop the veg etc in the evening, put it all into a zip lock baG and then OH just tips bag into the slow cooker at 7am when he leaves for work. Tea is ready in the evening. That's all there is to it. Google dump bag recipes.

ERICS_MUM

Oh Lessonlearned, what a lovely post and I think every word is very insightful (is that a word ?).

I'm quite moved by this thread and have even thought about offering to help OP if we live nearby (my family say I interfere too much).

lessonlearned

ERICS_MUM wrote: »

Oh Lessonlearned, what a lovely post and I think every word is very insightful (is that a word ?).

I'm quite moved by this thread and have even thought about offering to help OP if we live nearby (my family say I interfere too much).

Im reading between the lines I know so could be way off beam but I get the feeling that scotslass is perhaps a bit isolated. All new mum's need support - preferably from their own mums or aunts etc but that's not always possible.

When I had my babies I had no one because we had moved away and although my neighbour was lovely she was battling breast cancer so was too ill to help me (she subsequently died). Luckily I had joined the NCT and we mum's supported each other.

The day I passed out I rang my NCT leader in a blind panic. She rushed over and whisked me off to her house for the day, where I just sat and fed the baby and then dozed off on the sofa whilst her children took it in turns to cuddle my baby to give me a rest.

I think your idea is lovely, maybe someone like you to act as a surrogate mum is just what she needs right now.

We all need support sometimes.

Spendless

lessonlearned wrote: »

Depends on the baby........my first one didn't believe in sleep - he screamed if you put him in his cot - he left me feeling like a zombie. As for expressing milk - he would spit it out if it came out of a bottle - it was me or nothing.:rotfl: so no breaks from feeding. I did nod off though whilst feeding him.


I can remember those first few years as clear as day. I walked round in a continual state of exhaustion - some days it took me me all my time to deal with the babies. Cooking a proper meal was an optional extra. Many a time my poor long suffering husband had to make do with something on toast after a long day at work.

We got through it though - as you do - and had many a laugh about the eldest and his refusal to sleep.

All the medics told me it was because he was obviously "highly intelligent". Ha. I was not amused at the time - all I wanted was sleep. Although as he now has A PhD in maths, maybe they were on to something.:rotfl:

My eldest was exactly the same, thought sleep was an optional extra and aged 16 still does! Also had people tell me it was because it was clever and though he is clearly capable he remains unmotivated and disinterested as he sits his GCSE'S. We also had a family fall-out that started before I'd been discharged from hospital and wasn't resolved for over 11 years so I can quite see how OP might be struggling with perhaps various things going on in her life.

Where do you do your shopping Scotslass? Your username suggests to me it's possible you live somewhere more remote and don't have access to a lot of the budget discount shops. If you do though, great, there's savings to be had from swapping shops.