asked to be guarantor by Ex even though she has cash in bank

carefullycautious

Sometimes you just have to admit that you can lead a horse to water but cannot make it drink.


If she had to stand on her own 2 feet without you being involved it would soon sharpen the mind and get her doing what she needs to do.


Maybe you should just leave her to make up her own mind about how long she is prepared to stay put in a B&B


DONT under any circumstances be a guarantor

MPwannasavemoney

carefullycautious wrote: »

Sometimes you just have to admit that you can lead a horse to water but cannot make it drink.


If she had to stand on her own 2 feet without you being involved it would soon sharpen the mind and get her doing what she needs to do.


Maybe you should just leave her to make up her own mind about how long she is prepared to stay put in a B&B


DONT under any circumstances be a guarantor

That is pretty much what she has spent 6 months doing... not made any difference so far!

[Deleted User]

I suspect that while your kids are the victims, this situation is of your wife's making.

She could decide to find a less salubrious area where there are more LL's who will accept a non earning mother. If she is allowed to continue in the way she is, without learning she has to be more amenable.., what is she teaching the kids about morals and good behaviour?

If she decides to not pay rent (a LL she doesn't get on with, LA she doesn't get on with, whatever) she will be holding the money, you will be paying so much support you have little left, AND be expected to pay her rent. You getting the money off her could be subject to some delay (court judgements can be delayed to a skilled operator and it sounds like she is certainly that). If she trashes the place, that could be a lot of money.

Like everyone, I have made mistakes in how I handle people, you recognise it because it lands you in a bad situation. If you have any sense, you don't let it happen again. You might even apologise. That tends to help.

She is in B&B because of decisions she has made. Let her learn from them. The children aren't dying.., hopefully they aren't neglected. Thousands live like this, its not good but its not life threatening. Don't maintain her ability to live out of reality. If you are that concerned about your kids, and her behaviour is causing this, go to court and get custody. It takes an enabler to let someone continue behaving this way. Look at the situation from a stranger's point of view and then make some decisions.

It also won't kill the children to leave a school.., most do this at least once in their lives and survive. A child who doesn't change school at all is incredibly rare. People do move, their kids survive and generally learning to adjust/be adaptable is a very useful life skill. Schools that aren't the absolute top of the ranking, are not bad, they just don't have top ranking. I've dealt with the short comings in schools by adding to their education at home, which any parent should be doing anyway.

MPwannasavemoney

deannatrois wrote: »

I suspect that while your kids are the victims, this situation is of your wife's making.

She could decide to find a less salubrious area where there are more LL's who will accept a non earning mother. If she is allowed to continue in the way she is, without learning she has to be more amenable.., what is she teaching the kids about morals and good behaviour?

If she decides to not pay rent (a LL she doesn't get on with, LA she doesn't get on with, whatever) she will be holding the money, you will be paying so much support you have little left, AND be expected to pay her rent. You getting the money off her could be subject to some delay (court judgements can be delayed to a skilled operator and it sounds like she is certainly that). If she trashes the place, that could be a lot of money.

She is in B&B because of decisions she has made. Let her learn from them. The children aren't dying.., hopefully they aren't neglected. Thousands live like this, its not good but its not life threatening. Don't maintain her ability to live out of reality. If you are that concerned about your kids, and her behaviour is causing this, go to court and get custody. It takes an enabler to let someone continue behaving this way. Look at the situation from a stranger's point of view and then make some decisions.

ok i can see your point - which I why for 6 months I have refused to intervene in her decision making. Applying for custody is a big step for me and I cannot afford another legal fight having seen more than £100K already disappear in legal fees getting this far. As I said before I live in a shared house, if kids are with me I won't have to pay the child maintenance but I still have to pay spousal maintenance until death, a very heavy burden. After court a year ago it felt like relief to have a decision finally, now it has hit home that I can never retire and I question what I will have to live for once the kids are adults, staying alive just to pay my ex is a punishment.

WibblyGirly

Could you afford to buy a house for them to live in? Then make her rent the spousal payments so effectively you don't pay that anymore and she gets a rent free house? She would though have to get a job to cover the bills and then you resell the house when the kids have left?

Guest101

MPwannasavemoney wrote: »

ok i can see your point - which I why for 6 months I have refused to intervene in her decision making. Applying for custody is a big step for me and I cannot afford another legal fight having seen more than £100K already disappear in legal fees getting this far. As I said before I live in a shared house, if kids are with me I won't have to pay the child maintenance but I still have to pay spousal maintenance until death, a very heavy burden. After court a year ago it felt like relief to have a decision finally, now it has hit home that I can never retire and I question what I will have to live for once the kids are adults, staying alive just to pay my ex is a punishment.

£100k on legal fees?! And this is the result?!!

carefullycautious

You will only pay maintenance for your children until they are 18 and surely the spousal will only be applicable until she marries again wont it?


Also if your earnings go down or you retire these payments will drop considerably or stop?


Ignore all of this if you have millions in the bank and can afford all of the above.

basil92

Guest101 wrote: »

£100k on legal fees?! And this is the result?!!

Beggars belief doesn't it!!

Spousal maintenance :eek: I thought that had gone out with the ark!

Sounds like his solicitor and his ex well and truly screwed the OP...

No don't be her guarantor! She has the money to rent and unless she is disabled or ill, why can't she just get a job like most people have to do?

Guest101

basil92 wrote: »

Beggars belief doesn't it!!

Spousal maintenance :eek: I thought that had gone out with the ark!

Sounds like his solicitor and his ex well and truly screwed the OP...

No don't be her guarantor! She has the money to rent and unless she is disabled or ill, why can't she just get a job like most people have to do?

Spousal maintenance is seldom used, mostly for people with disabilities or specialist needs


I stand by my initial response. But with a caveat, if you had £100k for legal fees, I presume you have a decent job?

ElsieMonkey

MPwannasavemoney wrote: »

ok i can see your point - which I why for 6 months I have refused to intervene in her decision making. Applying for custody is a big step for me and I cannot afford another legal fight having seen more than £100K already disappear in legal fees getting this far. As I said before I live in a shared house, if kids are with me I won't have to pay the child maintenance but I still have to pay spousal maintenance until death, a very heavy burden. After court a year ago it felt like relief to have a decision finally, now it has hit home that I can never retire and I question what I will have to live for once the kids are adults, staying alive just to pay my ex is a punishment.

I really feel for you. You sound, understandable, very down and despondent, and it's sad to hear you questioning what there is to live for once your children are grown-up. I haven't been in this situation so can't speak from experience, and obviously I don't know the ins and outs and why you have both divorced. But it does sound like she is in a better position to help herself than you are to help her. I do agree that something doesn't add up regarding her not being able to find a landlord that will accept her. And I would avoid paying her rent and/or being a guarantor for all the reasons already given by others - it's just too risky, if the rent goes up, if she stops paying etc.

Are you able to sit down with her, maybe with some mediation, and have a proper open conversation about your concerns and your fears for the future if you were to pursue the paying her rent/guarantor route? Maybe she needs to accept that she needs to get a job in order to help herself. Or she has to look to rent a bit further afield. I think whatever happens the kids will adjust and be fine PROVIDING the parents are amicable, open and honest about things with each other. Good luck.