Heartbroken

skullncrossbones

My boyfriend and I yesterday decided to break up. Although it was mutual I still feel awful. I feel awful that he's sad too. We'd been together 3 years, the longest for either of us, however I guess things change. There was no upset or hatred for one another only love and that I think makes it harder. I just didnt expect to be alone again at 27, I thought this person was the one I'd grow old with. It hurts to think that the next person he is with he'll probably marry and have babies with and it's almost like I did so much to help him grow and he's just used it and it was only ever in preperation for the next person. He says he'd like to be friends but I just can't ever imagine that sort of relationship with him.

This all started because we weren't having sex anymore so to try and get to the bottom of it I ask to talk about it. It turns out I've been very stressed and not managed that well and he bottles it all up so to not have an argument with me, which leads to him being distant and me trying to overcompensate by doing nice things to try and make everything better. I know that's not a good relationship to be in and I feel both of us are no longer ourselves. It's just such a shame. I think it also stems from the fact I will be finishing my degree in 3 weeks and after that I'm ready to move out and start my life with him however I don't think he's ready for that yet. Which isn't his fault it's just who he is.

I know I have to feel pain to get through this but I geniunely hate this feeling of emptiness and being lonely. I don't have loads of friends and he was one of my best friends....I just wish things could have been different.

ratrace

skullncrossbones wrote: »

My boyfriend and I yesterday decided to break up. Although it was mutual I still feel awful. I feel awful that he's sad too. We'd been together 3 years, the longest for either of us, however I guess things change. There was no upset or hatred for one another only love and that I think makes it harder. I just didnt expect to be alone again at 27, I thought this person was the one I'd grow old with. It hurts to think that the next person he is with he'll probably marry and have babies with and it's almost like I did so much to help him grow and he's just used it and it was only ever in preperation for the next person. He says he'd like to be friends but I just can't ever imagine that sort of relationship with him.

This all started because we weren't having sex anymore so to try and get to the bottom of it I ask to talk about it. It turns out I've been very stressed and not managed that well and he bottles it all up so to not have an argument with me, which leads to him being distant and me trying to overcompensate by doing nice things to try and make everything better. I know that's not a good relationship to be in and I feel both of us are no longer ourselves. It's just such a shame. I think it also stems from the fact I will be finishing my degree in 3 weeks and after that I'm ready to move out and start my life with him however I don't think he's ready for that yet. Which isn't his fault it's just who he is.

I know I have to feel pain to get through this but I geniunely hate this feeling of emptiness and being lonely. I don't have loads of friends and he was one of my best friends....I just wish things could have been different.

Hi, im really sorry to hear what your going through, you have come to the right place, the people on here are very knowledgeable and supportive.

Beckyy

Sorry to hear how you're feeling OP. I read one of your previous threads when you were trying to figure everything out.

Try your best to concentrate on finishing your uni work, maybe once it's sunk in a little more you will have a better idea of whether you can still have a friendship and what your future holds.

skullncrossbones

Thank you for your replies I wasn't expecting any. His mum contacted me today to see how I was. Said he's been very quiet n just sleeping, I think he's very lost and the worst thing is I can't do anything to make it better.

Gavin83

Do either of you actually wish to break up?

mariposa687

This sounds just like my breakup last year. Believe it or not right now, you will be ok. If you don't want the same thing its better to realise it now than further down the line. I felt the same about him moving on and the past few years being wasted but you can't think like that anymore. So life didn't work out how you expected, there is very little you can do about that and it's best to focus on what you want out of life now.

skullncrossbones

Gavin83 wrote: »

Do either of you actually wish to break up?

To be honest I'm not sure, but I think we want different things and I don't think he's ready for the type of commitment I want from him. To be honest I don't think he knows what he wants, things which he's said it wants before when it comes down to it he's scared.

This sounds just like my breakup last year. Believe it or not right now, you will be ok. If you don't want the same thing its better to realise it now than further down the line. I felt the same about him moving on and the past few years being wasted but you can't think like that anymore. So life didn't work out how you expected, there is very little you can do about that and it's best to focus on what you want out of life now.

I realise that it will get better and easier, and I don't feel like it's been a waste as we've gained a lot from one another, and perhaps that's all we were ever meant to be to one another. Right now I just want to the pain to go away...how do I do that?

mariposa687

I can understand the pain, I felt like I couldn't even think straight for weeks. The best you can do right now is be kind to yourself and try and do little things that make you feel better (or at least usually make you feel better). For me that was buying some new clothes, getting my nails done etc. And I was always really harsh on myself so I tried to stop doing that too. The pain is just something that goes with it and I remember feeling I wanted it to stop. It's a cliche but exercising did help - not so much the endorphin rush thing but just getting out the house even if only for an hour. It is hard, I know you can't just switch your feelings off for someone.

pigpen

if he isn't ready to live independently he isn't ready for marriage and babies.. so it is likely you may do that before him.

It sounds like a 'first love' kind of thing and while you won't ever forget him and probably think 'what if' even in 30 years time it was not meant to be.. Focus on the last few weeks of your studies.. falling flat now after all that work would be tragic.

Get yourself out on a crazy girly night .. they'll make you see clearly.. and probably call him rude things and try to set you up with every C0ck, D!ck and Harry Hows-ya-father while you're out.. just enjoy your evening..

This happens to everyone sooner or later and everyone survives.

Those feelings will fade, you will find someone you are meant to be with and have a family hopefully.. Right now you have a whole new exciting future ahead of you filled with whatever you want it to be filled with.. don't rush into anything or be pressured into anything.. including getting back with him!

((hugs and vodka shots xx))

JuneAB

When I broke up with my ex I just felt completely lost and didn't know what to do with myself. It felt like time was stood still. When I was with him he was my life and I just did not know how I was going to live the rest of my life without him. Overtime I developed my own identity and life quickly got easier and I became the person I was before I met him. I was much happier, more outgoing and more ambitious than I ever was when we were together. Now, 9 years later I have a career - something I'm sure I wouldn't have had if I had stayed with him. I'm also with someone who shares more interests and beliefs than me and my ex ever did.

I still speak to my ex. I wouldn't say we were friends but it is nice to catch up every now and then and we both agree breaking up was the best thing for us both, even if we didn't see it at the time.

Look after yourself and use this time to your advantage. Become the person you want to be and do the things you couldn't do when you were with him (one of my things was to learn to drive as my ex never encouraged me). It's not an easy time, it took me a while to truly get over him (I won't say how long as everyone is different - it takes as long as it needs to) but one day you will look back and realise that this could be for the best.

As for the next girl being the one he has babies with....that's a normal thought but who's to say it will happen like that. My ex had several serious relationships where as I dated and was single mostly. We both met our current partners around the same time and as it happens we are both getting married in the next year (not to each other though haha).

xx

LittleOne

Sorry you're feeling like this. That feeling of emptyness is awful right after a breakup. You're not alone!


My boyfriend and I broke up under similiar circumstances a few years ago after 5 years together. It was the strangest feeling, braking up even though we loved each other. However, we wanted such different things at the time that it would not have worked moving forward.
Fast forward another 5 years and we are back together and planning our future and we both want the same things!
We spent 2 years apart in total. I travelled a little bit and worked on building up friendships again that I'd lost. He did his thing and grew up a lot in those 2 years.
We came back together and it feels right.


I spent the best part of 2 weeks sobbing my heart out every night after I got home from work after our breakup (Even taking breaks to sob in the toilets at work) My world felt empty, dark and meaningless (the best way I can describe it!)
I decided to throw myself into an evening college course to meet new people and keep myself occupied and feeling productive, put more time into my hobby and made a real effort to get my friends together and rebuild those friendships that I neglected during the first 5 years we were together.


If you are really struggling, I reccomend a forum online called "ENotAlone". That forum helped me deal with things a little easier.