Need help - partner issues

paddyrg

Online gambling is addictive, so it's important to address the behaviour as well as the causes. http://www.gambleaware.co.uk/recognise-a-problem

JuneAB

This sounds like something a friend of mine went through when he was depressed. The worse it got the more he slept / gambled.

£300 is not a small amount of money when you have little ones. Have you shown her some bank statements (if you are able to) showing how much she has spent over the weeks/months/years? Maybe this will be a wake up call where she realises she has a problem and may need help. This worked for my friend and happily he is now getting the help he needs.

Best of luck to you both x

LannieDuck

Have you asked her how she feels? Given that she's going to bed at 8pm all the time, it sounds as if there may be value in her having a chat with the dr. Depression sounds likely to me too.

Don't underestimate how utterly soul-destroying being a SAHM can be. Some people love it and wouldn't have it any other way.... others don't. My OH and I both work 4 days a week - and we joke that we go to work for a rest. Does she have two kids at home to look after or is one school aged?

As for sex - you're having a laugh if she's that exhausted! My OH and I have managed it once in the last two years :rofl:

The gambling is something she should seek help for before it becomes serious. But it may be a sign that she's very bored at home all day... or depressed.

Annisele

helpmeanthony wrote: »

She does have sleep apnoea, but she has a CPAP machine to help with that.

Has she had a review of the CPAP therapy recently? In my experience the NHS isn't great at checking those machines are still effective. And for some people, CPAP just doesn't work very well, and APAP is better.

There are also many things that can change your prescription, including losing or gaining weight (which doesn't sound impossible if she's had a baby recently).

If you can persuade to see her GP, I think that would be a good place to start. Post natal depression also sounds like a possibility, but if her sleep apnea isn't being treated properly (and from the amount she sleeps, it might not be) that can cause depression by itself.

SallyM81

I'd approach the situation with complete honesty and explain all of the above to her and how it is affecting you emotionally and how you feel it's putting a strain on the relationship.

I've been in a similar situation in the past and I know it can feel suffocating, but the longer it goes on without having a heart to heart, the longer it, well, goes on.

Speak with family members or source relationship based advice online, you'd be surprised at how many people have been in the same situation.

I hope this helps, some what!

Tigsteroonie

Why don't you join in bed from 8pm? It's something I've seen in American shows and films, the married couple going to bed but one of them is reading or sleeping while the other is on their laptop or watching a film. It means you are together, even if you're not tired enough to sleep.

Mind you this ^^^ is a bit pot-kettle-black from me I go to bed around 10pm and Marley doesn't join me until 2-3am, so we don't spend much time in bed together. I'm up at 5-6am with the littl'un where Marley stays in bed to 7:30am/9am weekends. I look on it as good starfishing time

jetplane

Firstly there is enough information in your post for your wife to identify herself. So be prepared .... any conversation you have should be about your concern for her, her problems can affect you but you need to work with her to move on, not see her as a problem.

Secondly if the sleep apnoea is not being adequately treated then this will will have a knock on effect for everything else. The tiredness from sleep apnoea is not feeling exhausted, it is fighting to stay awake. Does she tolerate the machine or is she taking her mask off or turning the machine off? Does she have check ups at the hospital where they check her compliance with the machine, is it at the correct levels? Your wife should have a contact number for the clinic and she can make another assessment to check how many episodes she's having.

CPAP is the standard treatment but as a poster mentioned APAP is easier to tolerate but difficult to get on the NHS. The machines can be bought and configured by her consultant, all machines are difficult to tolerate but are the best way to deal with the condition. She can ask for a humidifier to help and have the pressure ramped so that she can reset it if it wakes her. CPAP will never offer the quality of sleep that a person without apnoea has but her quality of sleep will make a real difference to how she manages other issues.

Has she seen her GP and been scored for PND? Some people don't realise that it can start in later months or do not recognise it. Many mothers are afraid of what a diagnosis will mean and fear that their capabilities will be questioned. Her GP can also check her bloods as someone else has mentioned.

How is your baby, is he an easy baby, has he been a good sleeper? Does your wife need to wait until you come in from work to have a bath because she has her hands full all day? It's a bit of a catch 22 the father who comes home from a hard days work and is handed the baby within minutes of walking through the door and the worn out mother who is waiting for her husband to come in so she can have her first break of the day. Resentment builds and everyone is too tired to talk.

It sounds as though the gambling has been a long term problem as she was playing bingo online before she gave up work. I think other posters have given you good advise re gambling, depression, CPAP, being a SAHM and asking how your wife feels.

As for how to do it? Is there a time of the day when she is less tired? Don't criticise her, don't make it all about you, offer her support and encourage her to contact the professionals who can help. Small steps, it wont change overnight, but reassure her you are in it for the long game.