Need help - partner issues

helpmeanthony

Hi all,

I have created a new account as I already have one and I do not want my other half to see this under my usual forum name.

This problem I have is my partner. A few issues actually, so here goes:

1. I think she has a gambling problem - she is spending around £300 a month on online bingo, although there have been some wins - we are down!! She even hides her screen from me when i walk past sometimes. I told her she could give up work so she can look after the kids full time but would need to cut down on her online bingo, this has not happened. We discussed the bingo issue a couple of years ago and she did cut down - it has now gone back up. £300 is a lot to lose...

2. Sleeping - since our baby was born (now nearly a year old) she is going to bed at around 8pm and not getting up till I wake her in the morning. We did agree that she would get up during the week for night feeds and I would do the weekend, which she does. But every morning for the last few months I have been getting up early EVERY morning while she stays asleep. I work full time and can sometimes be travelling a lot,and visiting clients - sometimes I am going there very tired!!! We do have another older child and she spends time with her as well - I do not mind that at all. I think she is getting around 10 hours sleep a night to my 5 or 6!!

3. Spending time together - links to the above, but she never stays downstairs and goes upstairs leaving me on my own quite a bit. We bought a baby monitor so we could hear him, but it is never used.

4. 'Adult time' - sex is not top on her list at all, I think we manage it less than once a month!!!

I love her to bits and i know she loves me, but I feel like a spare part at the moment who just goes to work to feed the family and feed her bingo addiction. She is excellent with the kids and I cannot fault that at all.

Take today. I have been out onsite - come home and work from home at 5pm finish and then she goes straight into the bath, then will have tea, then she will go to bed about 8pm - leaving me about 1 hour with her!!

I do not know what to do or how to approach this. Mainly venting my thoughts as I do not know who i can speak to

Thanks for reading...

Beckyy

Hi OP, a couple of things I couldn't quite tell from your initial post:

Does OH getting up during the week for baby or are you(or is baby now sleeping through)? And is OH still working or is she now a SAHM?

helpmeanthony

Sorry, she gets up - but he is starting to sleep through - hence him waking around 6am now. If he does wake for a feed, we are awake for about 40 minutes tops - as I do it at the weekends.

She has been a SAHM from about 4 months now.

pigpen

Sounds like PND to me.. or anaemia .. or both... that would cover most of those things. I ended up here when my PND was really bad and spent loads of time on other forums... human contact without having to be washed, dressed or sociable.

if youre that tired why do you not also go to bed earlier?

Rebel_Cause

Have you spoken to her, especially about the issues you have highlighted about the different bedtimes?

The main thing that screams out to me is that she could be depressed or bored with her monotonous lifestyle and her playing bingo is her only form or escapism. I am not condoning the habit, but it may be a way to put some form of excitement in her day. However, I used to play bingo and there is a real buzz when you are waiting on the last number to be called.

If she is a stay at home mother, she is probably bored of it, especially if she has no adult interaction and communication all day until you get home and by the sounds of it, she doesn't even want that because she 'clocks off' and leaves you holding the baby.

The pair of you have to sit down and have a heart to heart, you do not want to go years down the line and the only thing growing and developing between you is bitterness and resentment.

I hope this helps.

Beckyy

I think it may help helpful to have a proper chat with your OH about the online bingo etc. Does she have much support in general from other family members or friends? If she's at home with LO all day she could well be lonely and bored. Does she go to any parent groups/activities through the week? Be careful not to be accusatory when you speak about it though, maybe look around online for some further information on the best way to approach the subject.

I also wondered why you don't go to bed earlier if OH is managing approx 10 hours sleep and you're only getting 5/6 but aren't getting up through the night?

Are you able to have an evening or afternoon without the children, maybe they could spend a few hours with a grandparent so that you and OH could spend some quality time together, go out for a meal or something similar and actually enjoy each others company?

KRB2725

Depression was the first thing that crossed my mind as well.

Did she want to become a SAHM or did circumstances mean it made sense to do so. It can be a monotonous and lonely existence and she may be finding it difficult to adjust.

I would try and get someone to look after the children for a few hours then sit down & talk it all through.

helpmeanthony

I try to go to bed/sleep earlier, but I cannot seem to fall asleep before 11.30pm - I have tried!!!!

She does have sleep apnoea, but she has a CPAP machine to help with that.

Forgot to mention, she usually goes for an afternoon nap with the baby as well during the day and on an evening, if she wants something she will text me to bring it up to her, so she does not have to get out of bed!!

I know I need to talk to her, but it is finding the correct time and how to approach it.

Kynthia

Sleep apnea does make people extremely tired as their sleep isn't restorative, to the point where some sufferers are unsafe to drive. Does her sleep machine help her a lot as I know someone who found it uncomfortable and woke repeatedly throughout the night which of course was tiring? Otherwise anaemia, under - active thyroid, depression, etc are possibilities.

Your tiredness is not all down to her if you can't go to bed earlier. She shouldn't have to get up earlier in the mornings just to compensate you for this. However excluding this the shared workload you be fair regarding night feedings and who gets a lay-in. However agreeing what's fair is difficult as it isn't necessarily 50:50, especially if she can get an afternoon nap.

You probably need to talk about the money being spent on bingo. Perhaps don't focus on tgat and start a discussion about budgets, bills, savings and future plans and talk about how much you both want to save and what for. Then as part of it you could both discuss whether you have a limit each for 'personal' spend on hobbies and socialising (which would include bingo) and see if tgat improves things. Make sure it isn't you talking 'to' her but you having a joint discussion and coming to an agreement even if it means compromising.

The first year after having a child us the hardest on a couple so hopefully things will start to improve. You'll start to socialise more, sleep more, do more fun things together over the next year and that might spill over to improve the sex and quality time together issues. To help things along can you arrange a date night (or afternoon if you're restricted on babysitters) every few weeks?

theoretica

You sound like you are working from home. Are your hours flexible enough you could work in the evenings to get more time to spend with her during the day?

Is she happy with life and feeling healthy? What does she think of the situation?

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Sleep Apnoea means she is waking up many times during the night, which is why she falls asleep during the day and needs to go to bed early. The CPAP helps, but they are uncomfortable and often dislodge, especially as it's impossible to get yourself in the most comfortable position you would like to sleep in. And when they dislodge, it's not just the apnoeic episodes that wake her, it's the whooossshhhhh of cold air over her face and ears/eyes that gets you even more awake than the apnoea does. Plus, there's the lack of glam/desirability of being somebody who spends every night sounding like Darth Vader.

You don't mention her ever going out or being away from the little ones. When your only conversation is restricted to 'Mummy, I done a big poo' or 'No', a forum/chatroom such as the gambling sites deliberately provide now (to get people staying and spending more on them) could easily be the only adult conversation other than yours - and it doesn't matter if she has a microsleep then - probably accounts for why she loses, too, although the flickering blue light of the screen keeps her awake for a while.

When she does sleep, because of the chronic deep sleep debt she will have accrued from OSA, she probably sleeps like the Dead, which is why she doesn't hear you or the baby.


And I'd be pretty unhappy with a life like that.

Talk to her.