son wanting to meet his father

jansus

I just don't know how to help him he is 14.
His father and i had an 18 month relationship, his father is French and lives in Lyon, although he lived in England for 8 years.
He (his father) decided that he didn't want to be parent when i realised i was pregnant and left it up to me.
He moved back to France and i brought our son up on my own.
Initially he kept in contact with me and knows his sons name and has some early baby photos although he has never had any contact since. He never sent any birthday/Christmas cards etc.
So how do i deal with a lovely thoughtful sensitive son that just wants his dad to acknowledge him.
I am very aware that after such a long time he probably has a wife and family in France so how can i save my son from more rejection

FBaby

I think you need to be totally honest with him. Say that you have no idea how his father would react and it could go from him saying that he wants absolutely nothing to do with him and not to ever contact him again to him having waited all this time for this moment and his family delighted to welcome him in their lives.

You can then discuss with him how he would deal in each circumstances. Ultimately, if this is what he wants, you need to support him, but it's understanding why he wants to meet his dad. Is it just pure curiosity, but no real need to have a father in his life, or is it hoping to feel a gap in his heart?

bouicca21

A friend was in a similar position, except that the children were in early years of primary school when the father walked out never to be seen again. He did pay maintenance.

They were young adults when they traced him and got in contact, only to be rejected again. Mum had to pick up the pieces.

Be prepared for massive upset, especially as yours is only 14. I'd suggest trying to postpone it if at all possible, or trying to contact him yourself to see which way the wind blows.

jetplane

Are you able to trace or contact his father first to broach the subject so that you can establish his reaction?

Beckyy

Without knowing how mature your son is for his age it can be difficult to guess how he might take each situation. I don't imagine this urge would go away so I would be as supportive as possible, and be with him every step of the way. Personally, I would let him look now if you're ever going to help him to. In a couple of years time he'll be hitting final GCSE exam age and planning his future moves, the stress of finding a long lost Dad and possible rejection/relationship stress could have a more detrimental effect at that stage than this one IMO.

Do you have contact details for his Dad or would it be difficult to track him down?

jansus

Thanks for your replies, I could probably trace his dad but to be honest i highly doubt he would want to be found. I think i will leave it for now as my sons wanting to meet his dad rears it's head every now and again and then settles down.
I have explained to him that his dad may not want to know and the consequences of that.

pigpen

I would say to your son, when he is 18 you will help him find him and explain the above.

In the meantime see if you can find him secretly so as not to get your sons hopes up only to disappoint him massively.

I would want him to be older and more able to deal with the possible rejection and less emotionally immature and erratic... teenage boys are not known for their emotional stability and can e very insecure... especially if he is a sensitive sort anyway.

belfastgirl23

Honestly I think you should quietly approach your sons father and make him aware this issue is raising its head now. Give him some time to think it through. I know some people will say he doesn't deserve it but it's for your sons sake. You're not going to be able to control whether your son does or does not contact his father (he might just go ahead and do it himself) but you can at least prepare him for the response. And if you're forewarned what it's likely to be you can prepare him better. Eg if you get no answer the same is likely for your son.

Also it gives your ex a chance to think this through rather than having a knee jerk approach, which can only be to your sons benefit.

I know you also might feel uncomfortable about going behind his back but to me this is something that should be dealt with first at a parental level.

Mojisola

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

You're not going to be able to control whether your son does or does not contact his father (he might just go ahead and do it himself)

With the information that's available through the net these days, this is a likely scenario if you try to put him off and don't help him.

paddyrg

Do childline or a similar agency have any advice? Your son is not the first teenage boy to need to find a father/father figure, this is well-trodden ground, and you may find some sound advice out there from the specialist charities/agencies. They may even make the initial approach to help broker the meeting.

The father may well be regretting having walked away, and turn out to be a splendid father just when your son needs one. Either way, can you make sure there are some good male role models around in your son's life - if he can't get a literal father from this encounter, it's clear he needs some fatherliness in his world. Even if it's simple things like learning how to be a man in terms of shaving, fishing, going to football/ballet/whatever!

System

It's quite possible the dad is on Facebook in France, and is traceable. Unfortunately it's also quite possible that he has re-married and has not informed the new wife about his son.