Parents planning funeral costs- i am lost/scared

kingfisherblue

I can only tell you my own experience, but it might help.

About twenty years ago, a friend's dad died suddenly. They had never spoken about what they wanted, and my friend's family had to make decisions based on what they thought, rather than what they knew.

Following this, I asked my parents to tell me their wishes. Both bought funeral plans. My dad died in 2003, and we made one phone dall to the funeral director. We had met him previously when my parents had discussed their pre-paid plans. He was fantastic. We knew just what my dad wanted, right down to the music.

My mum is fortunately still with us and in her eighties. I know her wishes and will be able to carry them out when the time comes. She hates lilies, wants the same music as my dad, doesn't want anyone to wear black, and has chosen a charity for any donations. These, and her other requirements, are documented to make everything easier for my sister and myself.

It's hard talking about it, but planning ahead will make everything easier to deal with when your parents pass away. This way, you'll be able to take time to grieve when it happens, knowing that their last wishes were adhered to, and knowing that you took the time to ask them while they were alive. The alternative is that you guess their wishes and hope that you get it right.

Prothet_of_Doom

On the other hand, the world is over populated as it is and I hope my kids would celebrate me making room for new comers to the planet, and also spend their inheritance on things pointless that I would have hated them to buy had I been alive.

That reminds me. Must plan how I can leave nothing and force them to pay for my funeral out of their own money.

Are we allowed to joke about death. It's inevitable. There has to be a funny side to it. It all seems very angst ridden. I know that my wife will crumple emotionally when Her parents die, but the way I look at it, my parents taught me that death is the only sure thing in life, and when they go, I'll be say, but happy that they had such a happy life. Hopefully the last few years won't be miserable.
When my nan died she'd been a virtual vegetable for a year following a massive stroke and when my dad phoned me to tell me, all I could hear was relief that she was no longer suffering.

AnotherJoe

I agree with miss biggles , you don't have to be the executor, it certainly sounds as if you aren't cut out for it, and your well meaning parents are making things much worse through imposing this burden on you and giving you years of (needless) worry.

So, ask your husband if he will be the executor.

As for affording a funeral, won't your parents leave you anything? Surely you can pay for the funeral out of that ? But even if not and if they can't afford to put some money aside, they can take out funeral plans and whilst there are likely better financial options it will at least take a lot of strain off you.

Cyclamen

I am usually the pragmatic in control one of the family.. i'm hoping this current depression/melt down doesn't last and they are not showing signs of dying yet so am happy t do the executor stuff to help out. It's just at this moment in time i'm not coping so well.

Sadly they can't leave me a lump of money to tuck in a bank account as social services would count it as my money and i would have to use it for my carers..i'm happy to contribute to my care from my money but not theirs.

My husband will be involved with everything anyway, i am fortunate in that he cares for them and obviously loves me so we will tackle things as a team. He has experience of some of the procedures as his mum sadly died before we met.

Inheritance.. hum i really don't expect there to be sufficient left to pay for a funeral. This is why they want to plan put money aside from a pension that matures next year.

AGEUK links - thank you hadnt crossed my mind to look there have printed them and even found a leaflet on what being an executor entails. Have printed some stuff for parents too.. thank you

The way i see it is the first to go will leave someone devastated behind and I want to be there to support them so they can grieve without all the paperwork and well paperwork is neithers strong point at the best of times. the last to go well I love them both and its the last loving thing i can do for them.

Thank you for being gentle with me.. i have some info now i can work with and from experiences above i am leaning towards a pre-paid plan as it seems all the decisions will be on file so things go more smoothly. We would need to choose a national chain as there is no guarantee we will all be in this county when the time comes.

Thank you.. i know i seem a 'wet rag' and at the moment I am but i want to do this for them. You have given me info I can get my teeth into without having to trawl past all the emotional images, stories and confusion of the web.

Keep_pedalling

You really should be glad that they are doing this, far to many people bury their heads in the sand do nothing and leave a financial mess for others to clear up.

Every adult, especially those with family responsibilities should have a will in place, so rather than get morbid about this act positively and start thinking about doing the same for yourselves.

Being an executor is not that burdensome for simple estates, and some people find that doing this for their loved ones help with the grieving process, but I would suggest that your parents appoint you and your husband as executors which will give you the option of sharing the task when the time comes.

You might also suggest to them that they get lasting powered of attorneys (LPA) in place so that you could manage their affairs if they ever became unable to do so for themselves.

getmore4less

Cyclamen wrote: »

Sadly they can't leave me a lump of money to tuck in a bank account as social services would count it as my money and i would have to use it for my carers..i'm happy to contribute to my care from my money but not theirs.

Holding money in trust even a simple bare trust should not effect your benefits or have the money counted as yours.

bellaboo86

In a previous career I worked for a building society and they dealt with funeral plans. From what I could recall there was a choice of several funeral directors and different packages depending on how much people wanted/could afford to pay.
If the discussion of your parents wishes is too much, could they perhaps write it down and tell you where the document is for when the time comes?

Mojisola

http://www.which.co.uk/money/insurance/reviews-ns/funeral-plans/the-costs-of-funeral-plans/ - this gives information about funeral plans. They don't all cover all the costs so it's worth going through them in detail.

If there is a local funeral director that your parents would like to use, it's worth asking if they have their own pre-paid plan.

My parents bought plans from AgeUK - paid for over several years - and it made life easier for us when the time came (and saved money as the price of funerals had gone up over the years that they had held the plans.

DigForVictory

My sister is apt to get very wet rag at the thought of a world without parents, whereas I just don't see that future just the paperwork/ logistics/ forms involved. We each agree the others viewpoint is reasonable just different.

I'm definitely on the executors team, she's equally happier on the photos being acquired & stored (to be printed & arranged instead of flowers) - it's a horses for courses thing.

If your folk can afford to pay for as much of their funeral as they can decide/agree on up front, it will give them huge peace of mind. Some folk like to go putting on a splendid show at the last, others enjoy contemplating having a plot with a splendid view - even if it will be appreciated more by the surviving family & of course its individual.

As a paperwork geek, yes do please encourage your parents to sort Power of Attorney along with a proper Will. In Scotland most solicitors would draw the documents up in parallel anyway, only down here do we separate them.

Likewise it's a bit rough listening to the plans & prices being bandied about when they're here with you & you want them to stay that way as long as possible, but I reckon most funeral folk quite enjoy discussing plans with their clients whilst alive.

One mason I visited had detailed discussions with a gentlemen every month over a period of years - both chaps wanted it to be Just Right & with the stone mostly carved, both eyed it with solid satisfaction & approval. All it awaited was the last date & installation once the ground had settled, and in the interim it got visited by its breathing owner & chuckled happily over.

Similarly with the funeral plan. Once it's sorted & insofar as possible paid for, you can all look on it with approval. That's the plan, sorted and sorted rightly, now we can carry on without having to wonder or worry. Unlike roofing or boundary walls, it shouldn't need maintenance.

It's uncomfortable, but ye gods, so much better to have it all clear now than to try to remember whilst wracked with shock & grief.

May none of it be needed for ages yet.

Cyclamen

getmore4less.. i dont know anything about trust funds.. i'll have a look at that as well.

Had a long chat with hubby about this, have asked parents to not spring the conversation on me but said we will sit down and plan everything and they can tell me what they want together in a few weeks. That gives me some time to gather research and write some questions so i know exactly what they want. I have asked hubby about being an executor and we are going to suggest they list us both and the remaining partner.. that way if my physical health crashes and i cant leave house someone else can go collect paperwork.

I really am glad they are doing this in advance, i know i'll be devastated but doing t now will make it easier for the parent remaining and for me.

I've started having a look round and once you get past some of the 'less helpful internet pages' there is easy info to follow.. the age uk site has been useful today and i will look at the link above tmrw

thank you