Parents planning funeral costs- i am lost/scared

Cyclamen

My parents keep talking about their funerals. I know they are trying to save me stress and bother when I am likely to be in bits but the whole thing terrifies me. I am not in a great place with mental or physical health so can't quite get myself to read up and research, but at the same time i need to understand and support their decisions. They live nearby and hubby and I have already talked about looking after whoever is bereaved. I am fortunate my husband really cares for my folks.

I have a low income and my Dad is worried that funerals would become a burden so they are trying to find a way to leave money for me to organise things (or support who ever is left). We don't expect my sister to want to be involved in organising so the task will be mine and my husbands. They are planning on taking some money from a pension fund and 'putting it ready for funerals'

As I said I am disabled and have severe health restrictions which at the moment have sunk me into depression, so thinking about a time with out my folks is not easy. I am very close to them and don't want to let them down, but it is important to them to plan now so i was hoping some forum members could gently help me please.

I am to be executor.. not yet certain what that entails? and if that only happens when the last parent dies or for the first bereavement as well? Can anyone help me understand what i would have to do please?

They want to make sure there is money .. so far they have thought of a pre-funded plan or premium bonds. I am trying to find some info about what would be best.

How much money is sensible to save? They are both no fuss people but accept that the funeral is for those of us left behind. It would be a simple crematorium service with the local vicar. They want a very basic coffin, they would be cross if it was extravagant. Dad likes the idea of cardboard coffins but sadly i think he is too large.

Are there rules on where ashes can be scattered? Do you have to get a license, they'd like somewhere nice and i'd get comfort from knowing they were somewhere pretty.

I keep trying to read up but am struggling with the thought of it all. I know now is the time to step up and get their wishes and views and support them, but its not happening.

Please can anyone point me in the right direction..

SandraScarlett

When my husband died, I was the one who signed the forms at the Funeral Directors, and paid, so I was the "named" person, with regard to his ashes.


When a person dies, the Crematorium will give you a brochure with suggestions as to what you could do with the ashes. I had them put into the ground, behind my husband's plaque. A friend had her Mum's placed in an urn, at the Crematorium, and when she dies, her ashes will be mingled with her Mum's.


I went with her, to the Solicitor, and this was written in her Will. Other people I know chose to scatter them in a river, or under a tree in a favourite park, and another keeps the urn in her lounge. It's all down to personal preference.


But your parents are being thoughtful in trying to save you unnecessary grief, by discussing it now. So many people won't talk about death, and their loved ones are left, at a terrible time, hoping they're doing the right thing.


I wish you well.


xx

London50

We have only just sorted a pre-funded plan to save our children the problems after we have passed on. As the costs only ever go up at least with the pre plan you are covered at least for the main costs so then any other monies we leave in our wills can be used for any other bits {flowers ect} and gives our children peace of mind.
Many of the plans can either be paid fully or by installments and a quick online search will give you a lot of companies to choose from.
I know that offsprings do not like to hear the talk but it is a fact of life that it is going to happen sooner or later and we as parents can only try and make the situation as easy as we can while we are still able to. I understand that most find it a subject we would avoid if we could and I understand your feelings but sorting it out now will be far easier than when that time comes and you are also dealing with the grief of loosing a loved one.

Owain_Moneysaver

Your parents need to make Wills (one each) and provide for funeral expenses to be paid out of their estate. If there isn't money left in the estate then the local council social services will arrange and pay for a basic funeral, but they will try and get the money back from relatives.

They can appoint you (and the surviving parent if there is one) as joint Executors but should also provide in the will that that the Executors can obtain professional advice and the cost of this will be paid out of the estate. (This assumes that there will be some money left in the estate.)

A prepaid funeral plan may be suitable but these are financial products and like most financial products can be mis-sold so take appropriate advice. The "over 50s" plans advertised on TV often aren't suitable for many people.

The most useful thing is often for them to make sure they have everything organised, with all the bank statements, savings accounts, insurance policies, pensions, house deeds etc, in a tidy folder or filing system.

The Which? book What to do when someone dies used to be recommended; I don't know if it's still available or up-to-date. Perhaps you could sit down with them and see what you'd have to do as next-of-kin and Executor when the time comes, and if they have any preferences about how they'd like things to happen.

Cyclamen

Thanks everone.

Yes i know I am fortuante in that they are making plans and involving me and until recently would have coped with the discussions far better .. just falling apart now, which is completely the wrong time. I have known since a teenager wishes for organ donation, no black to be worn that the flowers are for the living and so on, bt this is a real struggle and i'm fighting tears as its just dropped into conversation with no prior warning.

I had mentioned sorting wills.. they don't have them, even a will pack write your own would be a start.

There wont be a great amount of money, they are in a council home, the car is old..but there will be a few things to tie up and unpaid bills etc. It sounds silly but the only thing i really have my eye on is the cake slice they had at their wedding that i borrowed for mine, i've asked them to see if their is something my sister specifically wants as i want everything tidy without rows. The little money they have i am encouraging them to spend and enjoy.

My biggest concern is that the crematorium and funeral directors is accessible (i am awheelchair user) so that I am there to support who ever is left or able to deal with things for the last one. I know wishes with regards flowers and there arent many family left to be guests so we would most likely come back to my home. My father wants to make sure there is spare money for taxis so i can get to these places i am sure i can manage by diverting my usual social spends, but again i want to follow his wishes.

I will have a look for that which guide and try and look at a pre-paid plan, they mentioned the co-op but i dont know merits of different companies.

Am i right in thinking that money in premium bonds would take a while to access? I hate the idea of a long delay between death and cremation, we would want things to happen as quickly as possible giving sister chance to drive over of course.

As I said i know this is the right thing to discuss and plan, and think its loving of them to do it now to save remaining parent and us kids extra stress when grieving. I just can't quite get myself up to doing the necessary research so i can support them. (Dad is dyslexic and went to school at a time when teaching wasn't so great for dyslexics and mum cant manage the computer so i feel i nee dto help out)

Thank you

getmore4less

What my parents did was chose their funeral directors based on the local funerals they had been to over the years.

Not everyone is in a place to be that planned but there is more than just the money.

What we did not do for the first to go was visit and plan with the FD.
In hindsite was probably not the best things as that first visit was much more difficult than it would have been if done in advance.

The FD in both cases were happy to wait for payment when the estate was ready we even had the ancillary services wake, flowers etc all billed through the FD nothing up front.

It might be worth just taking that leap now and discussing with the local FD's or a chosen one what you(all of you) would like.

On the point of distributing the ashes there are restrictions so worth a google I was quite surprised by some of the places that were included as needing special permission.


If they are very keen to get things sorted ask them to conduct their own probate/letters of administration on a trial basis filling in the PA1 and IHT205(do not tell them how to find them that is part of the exercise)

they need to do this based on being the person that will be executor and knows only what there is in the "when we die folder".

poppystar

Hi. I know it is not easy to think about but assuming one parent dies some while before the other then you learn a lot dealing with the first death, which is probably also simpler because there is no house clearance etc. and the surviving one has access to funds so you would not need to have separate arrangements

My surviving parent now has a pre-paid funeral plan with the funeral directors we used who did a wonderful job. We shopped around a bit since the first one we went to was not a pleasant experience and since there is very little difference in price it is the respect and service that matters most. (Expect to pay in the region of £3000 even for a simple cremation).

You mention Premium Bonds - yes they do pay out quickly but maybe a joint account would work better? A joint account between you and your parents would be accessible immediately since your name would be on it. This assumes that your parents are happy to do that since it would give you access to the funds now too - but it sounds as if you have a trusting relationship.

I can sympathise with the need for taxis etc due to health issues. Being an executor can be a demanding job too. I have similar fears when I have to deal with the more complex task of death of remaining parent.

It is good to get some idea of what your parents want now and to get an 'after life' file set up and put somewhere you can easily find it. I learnt so much on the first death that I have been gently insistent in ensuring that this information is complete and accessible - with full parental cooperation.

Don't stress too much it is good your parents are talking to you about this now - good for them as well as you

elsien

Age uk have a fact sheet you and they might want to look at when you're ready.
http://www.ageuk.org.uk/Documents/EN-GB/Factsheets/FS27_Planning_for_a_funeral_fcs.pdf?dtrk=true

pathtofreedom

The joint account idea might not work if the OP is on any means tested benefits. A power of attorney might help though. http://www.ageuk.org.uk/money-matters/legal-issues/powers-of-attorney/lasting-power-of-attorney/

Unless you're very unlucky and they die together, can't the make each other the executor in the first instance, rather than put it on you. Depending on how big / complex their estate is you could appoint a solicitor to help you when the time comes, but this would reduce their estate.

If you are struggling with things like depression, as much as it is always better to sort these things out in advance as well as communicate them - I was caught out when this didn't happen when a death was unexpected - if you have problems could your husband cope better possibly and he could be the executor?

vfm

My father in law set up a prepaid funeral plan a year before he died. He asked that I be with him when he set it up. I was surprised by what he stated he wanted as it was the total opposite to what his family would have thought. He died a few months ago and it made things a lot easier knowing that he had the funeral he wanted, we also didn't have to worry about payment. The plan was set up with a local funeral directors who the family had dealt with for over 30 years. They were excellent and all we had to do was to confirm that we were happy to go along with his wishes. We are glad that he did this as it made things so much easier.

missbiggles1

If you're worrying about this so much, perhaps it would be better for your husband to be the executor? Lots of families do things that way for exactly that reason.