Should I move abroad?

Lady_Bee

Hi all

I'd appreciate some impartial views on my 'life dilemma'!

My brother has lived in New Zealand for the past 8 years and I'd like to join him as it's always been a dream of mine to live in NZ. I've not managed to do it up until now as I would not qualify for a visa due to not having all the right qualifications etc. I've been doing further research recently and have found that I could qualify for a student visa and study over there doing a course that would hopefully lead to a long term job.

My dilemma is this, do I leave my parents? I'm 40 and they are late 60's/early 70's. They are both still in good health and do visit my brother once a year as well as other holidays. I feel torn as I know that as they get older health may well deteriorate and if both their children are abroad what do they do?

I guess my question is, who do I put first, me or them? Do I do what I want to do and move abroad or should I be thinking longer term of my parents needs and stay here with them?

Thanks in advance for any input.

jackomdj

Personally I would do it. Would your parents want you to put your life on hold for what could be 30+ years, at which point you won't be able to follow your dreams anymore?

neneromanova

Do it! Don't regret not doing it. You can always come back if things don't go so well

Person_one

What is it about NZ that makes you want to live there?

Do you have any other friends/connections apart from your brother?

Would the job you are aiming for pay enough to allow you fly back to the UK when you wanted to, possibly at short notice if for example one parent became ill?

AubreyMac

Go for it.


I understand your concern and guilt but did your brother feel guilty when he left 8 years ago?


As you say they're in good health and they could remain so for another 20/30 years. You could always come back or they could always join you in the future.

thriftylass

I can't tell you how to decide but tell my story. I am an only child and moved abroad, well here. I was stuck in my life, fed up and unhappy. Needed a clean break, fresh start whatever you want to call it. Had been living here for a year previously so I knew what it might be like but didn't know anybody, completely new life. When the right moment in my life came (deciding on a PhD) and went for it and moved here. Have not regretted it since. My life has changed completely. Luckily, my parents were prepared without me knowing (must have made comments before moving away). So when I decided to move here they were fully supportive and have since realised and told me that "they rather have me living further away and happy then on their door step but miserable".

In the end it's your life and your decision but have you talked to your parents about it? They might fully support you. They could always join you further down the line. Mine can't, they don't speak English, so in a few years' time when they are getting on I will have to make tough decisions too. But for now it doesn't matter.

Pricivius

I agree with previous posters that you need to live your life and follow your dreams. But, be aware that there will be tough times/decisions ahead...

My sister moved to the US 15 years ago. She has had some really upsetting moments when our parents needed her but there was nothing she could do to help. Watching your family struggle and need support is so very difficult from overseas, and she at least had me in the UK to support them. She missed saying goodbye to our beloved grandma and then her funeral as she could not travel back at the time. When our step-father passed away, she had to drop everything to be with the family and attend his funeral and it was very difficult to make last minute logistical arrangements at that time. She loves the US and will never move back, but the disadvantages have to be acknowledged. Her kids will never have grandparents at sports day or the school play, and her mum isn't just a drive away if she needs her.

I would say do it, but be aware that you will need to make some tough decisions and may miss out on important events. Good luck.

Lady_Bee

Person-one, I have visited NZ many times both before my brother moved there and afterwards and just love the place. I know the grass is greener etc and living there is a whole different experience to holidaying but I have always been very close to my brother and to be honest I've been a bit lost without him in these 8 years! He has a life there I could latch onto having become friends with his friends during visits plus I would hope to make friends of my own. There will always be money for an emergency trip home if required.

thriftylass, thank you for sharing your story. My parents are aware that I'm desperate to move there and I guess they are expecting it at some point. Your phrase "they rather have me living further away and happy then on their door step but miserable" is probably what they're thinking as they would know that I'd really like to be with my brother.

Pricivius, this is what is always in the back of my mind. Having one child away is one thing but both of them, that's tricky.

Thank you for all the other inputs

Out,_Vile_Jelly

Be wary of assuming that a student visa will automatically translate into a job and work permit. Be prepared to have paid tuition fees for three years but not actually be able to stay.

I love NZ too, but living abroad is very different to visiting (food is surprisingly expensive there, and job opportunities can be limited).

pollypenny

Difficult. I'm a mum who has been left. At least my DS is in the USA, 'only' 8 hours way, rather than Australia or New Zealand which is a day away.

It would have broken my heart if he'd gone so far. I pine for my gorgeous little grandsons and have a sort of video of everything they've said in my head.

That said, it's your life and you make the choices.

ibizafan_2

My youngest son (31) emigrated to Australia a few years ago, to be with his Aussie girlfriend. I now have a gorgeous baby grand daughter who I shall be visiting in just over a month. I actually speak to him on Skype etc far more than when he was in the UK, and my only feelings are those of being so pleased that he has made a really good life over there. Yes, it's a long flight, but worth it to see them. My eldest son lives in London, so neither of them are close, but I feel as if I've done a good job bringing them up, and don't worry about them so much any more. Just very proud of them.