Feeling Bitter and Resentful

FBaby

I posted before reading your last post, I think you are absolutely right, real friendship only happens with time and getting to know the true person behind the facade. No matter how many 'friends' you might have, you can still feel very lonely and wish you could also be lucky enough to share a special friendship.

FBaby

ha ha double posting again

theoretica

Have you looked into what welfare support your university offers? You might find talking with someone in person helps you.

Happytravelling

Do uni's normally have a student councillor? If yours does, it might be helpful to speak to them. I'm sure it would help to have someone to listen to you so that when you spend time with these friends, you might feel better for having talked about it and more positive to be around, thereby giving you chance to build friendships. Also, you sound like you have a lot on your plate, so talking to someone now may pull you away from the precipice of depression. Attack is the best form of defence!

One of my friends suffers from depression and anxiety. We've known each other for over 10 years, but during a bad patch, she didn't think to ask me how I was for a period of 2 years during which time I suffered the death of someone close to me and my baby niece had some considerable health scares, neither of which my friend is aware of to this day. I can't pretend to understand depression, although have lived in a house with a sufferer so I can see the struggle people face each day, but even strong friendships need good times to stay strong. It doesn't sound like this is something causing you problems at the moment, just a potential trap to avoid.

About this comment !“I don’t know how to stop feeling like they are ungrateful, insensitive sods and if I had a fraction of what they had I wouldn’t be as tactless/unthankful as they are.” Sounds to me like they are ungratefu.. Just smile to yourself at their ridiculous claims of the end of the world and know you're better prepared for what life has to throw at you.

TBagpuss

I agree with previous posters - it sounds as though you have much more life experience than most of your peers, and you're probably more emotionally mature/aware in a lot of ways, than they are. If you think of them as being a lot younger than you you may find that their attitudes etc are less frustrating.

I'd suggest that you contact your university's Student Support office - they may be able to offer you some support, even if it is only someone that you can contact or talk to if you feel that things are getting on top of you.

I think it is fairly natural, and normal, for someone in your situation to feel resentful of those who have it easier. It's not fair that their life is so much simpler or easier. Equally, it's not fair to blame them for that.

You mention that you volunteer at a nursing home. Is that related to your course? If not, is it possible that it might not be the best thing for you to be doing? Volunteering is a positive thing, but is the time you spend there positive for you? It sounds as though you have had a lot of responsibility one way or another, and that you feel a certain amount of guilt for having better fortune than your siblings - are you volunteering because you enjoy it, or because you feel you ought to "give something back"

It might be more positive for you to consider a different activity - whether it is something which is about nurturing *you*, or even a different kind of voluntary work which doesn't bring up quite so many reminders of your family background.

Talking to a professional might be helpful.

I hope that things improve, and that you find you can build deeper friendships, either with these girls or with others - but also, give yourself permission to enjoy some of the shallower things in life, too! You may find that you can enjoy spending time with these girls and doing things together even if they never become the kind of friend that you can talk to about the really important things in your life, or !!!! on for support when you find the going hard.

I also think FBaby is right - it can be hard work to *be* a friend to someone who is struggling with lots of issues - and these girls probably don't have much experience in that, yet, and they may also have their own issues to deal with.even if you do live a fairly comfortable life, leaving home, starting university etc can be pretty stressful.

Good luck.

Savvy_Sue

GlowingShadows wrote: »

Silly as it sounds, its not really in my nature to let everything out, and on the rare occasions I have done - it makes me feel worse. As if everything has been pushed to the forefront of my mind.

That is not uncommon, however you might want to think both short-term and long-term.

Clearly there's a lot of 'stuff' going on in your life, and a lot of processing in your mind. I would seriously consider seeing a counsellor, because while the family situation may not change / be changeable, you might benefit from outside help in living with it, AND with developing strategies to deal better with other people, especially when you're feeling 'quiet'.

And this is perhaps a good time to start that process: don't wait until your final year!

duchy

I went to uni as a mature student and saw a lot of this.

Many of the 18 year old students (especially those who haven't left home to go to uni) still have that high school attitude because they are living at home, never really had any serious problems to deal with and frankly are at uni to have a good time and not have to worry about work or responsibilities for another three years. You on the other hand have had to grow up faster because of your family situation.

Unlike school at uni you don't have to belong to one clique - you can have friends on your own course, on different courses -but it takes the less mature (like your group) to realize this- usually by the end of the first year theyve worked it out mostly- and next year you'll have more optional modules so you tend to mix with more people in class than in year one where there's more core modules.

Get yourself down to the student union -find out what is on offer - try a new sport or a new activity and meet more people. You sound like youve got stuck in a clique -and that isn't what uni should be about. There's usually all sorts of stuff going on -in my first term back at uni after a break (I was also working so didn't have time to do everything I'd have liked) I attended a haloween event in a Napoleonic fort - and laughed myself stupid, went to London for a private tour of the law courts and Old Bailey (and saw part of a really high profile case) amongst other stuff-it's very diverse . I was offfered the chance to volunteer on a local historic project , try archery, go bowling, the local health centre had free entry to the gym on wednesdays and my campus was very small - had I wanted to jump on the (free) bus to the bigger campus an hour away I would have had many more other options .

Throw your net a bit wider - you may find that you have more in common with students who have worked for a couple of years before going to uni as they are a bit more grown up that your current mates who sound like they still have a bit of a school girl mentality and haven't yet worked out that everyone will have problems at some point and friendship isn't just about good times. Stay on good terms with them - lack of maturity is usually solved by time alone - but also remember most people by their third year have an entirely different social group to the one they had at Freshers week.

I do agree that you would benefit from some counselling - and student welfare can help with that - and a counseller can be a better person to unload onto than a group of aquaintances that aren't yet close friends but still evolving into strong friendship.

As for your siblings you shouldn't feel guilt for having chances they don't have - but what you can do is appreciate what you have and make the absolute most of it - as you realize more than most what a gift it is !!

GlasweJen

If you're bitter that will show.

I got a piece of advice in high school, be consistent. If you go in every day and no ones knows how you'll be then people will be walking on egg shells around you all the time. If you're naturally happy and sunny then be happy and sunny, if you're more of the sarcastic grump then be yourself. I fall onto the "blunt, sarcastic, quiet" side of the spectrum so that's how I am.

When I got my first job I went in all happy and sunny and eager to please and managed to not make a single friend as when I reverted to type all the people I'd thought I would be friends with didn't like my default position and those like me had been put off by my happy sunny act.

Also you're at uni, no one needs to know your family situation unless you're really close. When I was at uni I had 9 heart surgeries, my friend had meningitis (she was on my course), another's parents divorced but our friendship didn't rotate around that. We bonded over hobbies, coffees, stressing out about exams and stuff we could all relate to. Families/health etc wasn't really the topic until we became a lot closer around the end of 2nd year.

skattykatty

Apologies for speeding through replies, but I read your original post and wanted to respond in some way.

I suppose there are 'friends' and there are friends and, at this point, it's about coming to an understanding and acceptance of the limitations of these uni friends. You have the uni experience in common, but not much else and that's ok. If you have other, older, closer, friends then that's great.

However, it sounds like there are a lot of confusing and upsetting feelings around your position in your family, as the 'healthy' sibling with the potential to do SO MUCH! It sounds like a lot of weight on your shoulders and somehow not allowing yourself to just mess up, like we all do, and muddle through and find your way, which is what this time of life is all about really (actually, every time of life has ben like that for me!) You do not have to live your life for your siblings. It is yours. That's where further resentment will creep in and undermine you over time. I think seeking support from a student counsellor is a really good idea. You sound like a mature, sensitive, and weary young person at the moment and to allow yourself a time and space set aside for YOU seems really important right now.

Out,_Vile_Jelly

Agree with Duchy to check out the various social clubs at your uni. You don't have to just hang out with people on your course. It is probably the best opportunity in your life to try new stuff and meet random people.

Many people over-dramatise the minor points in life and seem to obsess over trivialities; you'll meet this throughout life I'm afraid. Also a lot of people put on the facade of having a happy home life that hides very real problems (especially debt) so don't assume their lives are perfect.