Feeling Bitter and Resentful

GlowingShadows

I apologise in advance for what will be a long and despairing post. I have no doubt that I will come across as very bitter and resentful. I’m posting for advice/guidance and partly out of not knowing where to turn.
It would probably be fair to say, I’ve had a very turbulent life and I was forced to grow up fast. That’s probably true to some degree for everyone. I have 3 siblings, all of whom are to some extent ill (I’d rather not go to specifics) and will unfortunately never really lead a full life. Its sufficient to say, that the onset of the illness was later in life so there was never really much time to adapt. In all likelihood, I will never get the opportunity to see them leave home, have children, settle down etc.
It’s quite a burden to bear, when I consider that I was the only one ever really given a chance, I feel as if I wasted it as I made so many mistakes . Some days are harder to get through than others.
I’m currently a student at uni and living away from home. I visit home every few weeks. I spent the first few weeks in a lot of different friendship groups, until I found one that I felt most settled with. The area is one that has its fair share of wealthy residents and the majority of students are ‘home’ ones. The course is quite small and has the same demographic at least in a cultural/gender sense throughout. Having spent time with most of the other students, I know a lot of them are very high school cliquey/petty. More so as most of them transitioned straight from their college groups.
I made good friends with 5 other girls, we spend the majority of our time together, are on the same course and have lots in common culturally/religious standpoints. This isn’t really what I’m used to, where I’m from I was mainly in the minority and it wasn’t really diverse.
Some days, I find it really hard to be social with them. It’s not to the point where I’m outwardly sobbing, but I am quieter/more reserved than usual. More so nowadays as my mum is currently going through a health scare on top of everything else. The other girls will ask me if I’m ok and then ignore me/carry on their conversations, they then sort of exchange glances/smirk between themselves. They sometimes make remarks like “someone got out the wrong side of the bed today”, “another mood”. Today in a lecture, when one of them saw me approach to sit next to her told me to go to the other end of the row, I get the feeling this is because she feels ‘I bring her down’. Its as if they are happy to associate with me when things are good, but don’t want to deal with me for the rest of the time. They don’t openly tell me to go away and I might read into things a bit too deeply but they definitely ignore me if I don’t talk as much.
They know about my home life, so I feel they should be more understanding about it, but I don’t want their sympathy/pity.
I’m quite resentful of the fact that they have healthy, happy families and are always going on about a family party/event/marriages or another. I know this makes me bitter, and I feel horrific for thinking like this but I’m trying to be honest. They claim their lives are over when imo, seemingly inane/minor things happen like losing a tenner etc. We’re all the same age thereabouts, and I should know that being dramatic is a classic teenage trait, but I find them hard to bear.
From what I’ve posted it seems like we shouldn’t be friends, but when I’m more social they are completely pleasant to be around. We do have a lot of things in common and it’s great to have a group of people I otherwise like, to socialise with. I’m more inclined to think that its me at fault, as its unlikely that all 5 of them are. I know that I probably have a number of unsolved issues, stemming from various things but I don’t want to drag them all up/face them openly, as stupid as it sounds I’m scared I’ll break down completely. I don’t feel as if I am depressed as such, as most days I feel ok/life’s bearable. I feel I cope for the majority of the time, it’s just some days.

I’m not sure of what to do, I don’t know how to stop feeling like they are ungrateful, insensitive sods and if I had a fraction of what they had I wouldn’t be as tactless/unthankful as they are. Please advise.

SailorSam

If i didn't know better i'd swear i've just read a copy/paste story.

Mupette

These friends do not seem like friends to me, but little girls that need to grow up in the real world.

GlowingShadows

My request for advice is genuine, the formatting is probably a little odd as I wrote it initially in a word document, as I wasn't sure if I wanted to post.
You're welcome to Google sections of it as you seem to think it's false. I honestly wish I had made it up, on account of the fact it's a very sorry existence I have.

Mupette - I imagine I'd be very much the same if I'd lived the privileged sort of lives they do. I don't want to seem like im rising to their defence, but I can't expect them to understand stuff they never have had to deal with. They can be really kind and supportive but it's almost as if they've had enough. They have the enviable position of being able to walk away from things they are sad about, whereas my problems will always be with me.

I think my mindset is at fault too, other people will always have more than me and I need to deal with what I have. It's just so hard

Hemera

I am sorry if this will sound harsh, but while I understand the situation you are in (I'm in a similar one myself), I can also kinda understand your so-called friends.
First of all, I understand your difficulties in making new friends when everyone else already has a group. It was the same for me (I'm a foreigner, and I came to the UK alone), and to be fair it still is, especially when local people are involved: they already have someone to spend time with, so they simply don't have any motivation to make an effort add another person to their friendship group. Now that I'm the "outsider", I understand this thing better, but it's well possible that when I was still ignorant of this I behaved in the same way. I think it's a very spontaneous behaviour, unfortunately.

About the friends you found: yeah, they don't seem great; but again, in my experience, you can only expect so much from people you have only just met. They are not your parents, siblings of lifelong friends: probably their interest in you goes as far as asking you "are you ok?" as you said, but no further than that.
Again, I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but I've seen this happen to me as well. In the initial stages of friendship, I think it is natural to be drawn to a person because they are fun to be with, interesting to talk to etc. etc., without going deeper than that. I don't think you can blame them if they ignore you after you admitted sometimes you don't wanna talk? You can't expect people you've just met to have infinite patience towards you and be available to support you through thick and thin, even if your behaviour is caused by some serious problems you are experiencing. Since you wrote in your second post that they are "kind and supportive", it's possible that they are also feeling like their efforts are not really appreciated.

I would advise you to try to solve your problems and build a better relationship with yourself. Have you considered seeing a counsellor? I did that and it helped me a lot.

KxMx

GlowingShadows wrote: »

I apologise in advance for what will be a long and despairing post. I have no doubt that I will come across as very bitter and resentful. I’m posting for advice/guidance and partly out of not knowing where to turn.
It would probably be fair to say, I’ve had a very turbulent life and I was forced to grow up fast. That’s probably true to some degree for everyone. I have 3 siblings, all of whom are to some extent ill (I’d rather not go to specifics) and will unfortunately never really lead a full life. Its sufficient to say, that the onset of the illness was later in life so there was never really much time to adapt. In all likelihood, I will never get the opportunity to see them leave home, have children, settle down etc.
It’s quite a burden to bear, when I consider that I was the only one ever really given a chance, I feel as if I wasted it as I made so many mistakes . Some days are harder to get through than others.

We all make mistakes, especially as young people!


I’m currently a student at uni and living away from home. I visit home every few weeks. I spent the first few weeks in a lot of different friendship groups, until I found one that I felt most settled with. The area is one that has its fair share of wealthy residents and the majority of students are ‘home’ ones. The course is quite small and has the same demographic at least in a cultural/gender sense throughout. Having spent time with most of the other students, I know a lot of them are very high school cliquey/petty. More so as most of them transitioned straight from their college groups.

Sounds like you are mature and the others are stuck in a school mindset of behaviour

I made good friends with 5 other girls, we spend the majority of our time together, are on the same course and have lots in common culturally/religious standpoints. This isn’t really what I’m used to, where I’m from I was mainly in the minority and it wasn’t really diverse.
Some days, I find it really hard to be social with them. It’s not to the point where I’m outwardly sobbing, but I am quieter/more reserved than usual. More so nowadays as my mum is currently going through a health scare on top of everything else. The other girls will ask me if I’m ok and then ignore me/carry on their conversations, they then sort of exchange glances/smirk between themselves. They sometimes make remarks like “someone got out the wrong side of the bed today”, “another mood”.

Again, how immature.

Today in a lecture, when one of them saw me approach to sit next to her told me to go to the other end of the row, I get the feeling this is because she feels ‘I bring her down’.

I'd have ignored her and sat down next to her. Dismiss it as childish, it's nothing personal, she doesn't have the maturity etc.

Its as if they are happy to associate with me when things are good, but don’t want to deal with me for the rest of the time. They don’t openly tell me to go away and I might read into things a bit too deeply but they definitely ignore me if I don’t talk as much.

Fair weather friends then.

They know about my home life, so I feel they should be more understanding about it, but I don’t want their sympathy/pity.
I’m quite resentful of the fact that they have healthy, happy families and are always going on about a family party/event/marriages or another. I know this makes me bitter, and I feel horrific for thinking like this but I’m trying to be honest.

There is nothing wrong with feeling like this. However remind yourself they know nothing different and that is the norm for them. Even looking at other families and knowing that is not always the norm, doesn't always translate into a deeper understanding or empathy.

They claim their lives are over when imo, seemingly inane/minor things happen like losing a tenner etc. We’re all the same age thereabouts, and I should know that being dramatic is a classic teenage trait, but I find them hard to bear.

They don't have the maturity or life experience that you do. You are probably going to encounter this a lot throughout your life so try to find a way to deal with it. Be annoyed, then move on. Be charitable towards them, must be hard when something so minor becomes so major etc. If you're feeling really wicked or pee'd off then smirk inwardly at the thought of how they'll fall to pieces when something really serious does happen!


From what I’ve posted it seems like we shouldn’t be friends, but when I’m more social they are completely pleasant to be around. We do have a lot of things in common and it’s great to have a group of people I otherwise like, to socialise with.

Again, fair weather friends. You need to stop seeking a meaningful friendship and treat them as casually as they do you, or ditch them entirely. Find people who will treat you as you deserve to be treated.

I’m more inclined to think that its me at fault, as its unlikely that all 5 of them are. I know that I probably have a number of unsolved issues, stemming from various things but I don’t want to drag them all up/face them openly, as stupid as it sounds I’m scared I’ll break down completely. I don’t feel as if I am depressed as such, as most days I feel ok/life’s bearable. I feel I cope for the majority of the time, it’s just some days.

It's not you, more likely a mis match personality wise. If you feel you need to talk to someone, a teacher you like or Uni counsellor/Nurse etc? I know all too well not wanting to get started on a subject for fear of what it will bring out, but it isn't a healthy way to deal with things long term.

I’m not sure of what to do, I don’t know how to stop feeling like they are ungrateful, insensitive sods and if I had a fraction of what they had I wouldn’t be as tactless/unthankful as they are. Please advise.

I hope my comments have been helpful. If you take away 2 things then it's to find proper friends who will treat you well, and consider talking to someone.

balletshoes

Mupette wrote: »

These friends do not seem like friends to me, but little girls that need to grow up in the real world.

i agree with this to an extent, but I also think, if you are all teenagers still, that its okay and kind of expected, if these girls haven't had any major trauma in their lives. Most haven't by that age, so in that respect OP, you are different to them. It doesn't make either you or them in the "wrong" its just different. Your friends may just not know how to best support you when you're going through rough times, especially if its an ongoing issue, like your home situation. So they're learning too.

If you know what would help you best when you feel like this, tell one of your friends.

lika_86

It's tough. For a lot of teenagers (albeit old ones) with stable home lives and no other worries, university is basically a time to have a wonderful time, party, study and generally live in a little bubble safe from the realities of life. Unfortunately you don't have that ability to be so carefree because of what's going on in your life and with your mum. It's hard for someone without something going on to understand how things can affect someone and how sometimes there isn't really an end to a problem. At that age most problems occur and go away pretty quickly (ie. a breakup or something like that), it's hard if you've never been there to appreciate that some problems don't get solved and just linger around in the background and so dealing with them is a bit of a rollercoaster where there are bad days and good days. I'm sorry your friends aren't more understanding.

Maybe take some time for yourself when you need to, don't force yourself to socialise if you aren't in the right frame of mind. You don't have to be happy all the time and that's ok. Also, maybe confide in the girls on an individual basis and explain about what's really going on and why if sometimes you aren't very present, that's why.

As for feeling bitter and resentful, it's hard. I'm nearing 30 and last year my mum was really unwell with cancer (it came somewhat out of the blue and honestly I wasn't expecting her to be here now - she is!) and although people were all very understanding, there was still something very difficult about listening to a girl at work moan about the stress of planning her rather expensive wedding (even though she was very sweet about my mum). In turn I reminded myself how fortunate I still was with everything else in my life.

They aren't ungrateful, they just don't realise they have anything to be grateful for. Don't be too harsh on them or yourself. Take care of yourself.

GlowingShadows

I want to thank everyone who has replied so far. I do think a lot of it stems from them being uncertain as to what to do, and as the friendship is in its quite early stages yet I have expected far too much too soon.

For now, I'll see how the friendship goes and I'll explain to them why I've been quiet/standoffish. I have other friends from college/school and I would consider myself closer to those. Its quite a small uni I go to, and quite honestly I think I'd be hard pushed to find a true friend here.


I should remind myself to count my blessings, even though sometimes it doesn't seem like much.
Silly as it sounds, its not really in my nature to let everything out, and on the rare occasions I have done - it makes me feel worse. As if everything has been pushed to the forefront of my mind.

FBaby

However much they are 'lucky' not to experience the difficulties life has thrown at you, it doesn't mean that they have to do all the work that involves dealing with how these difficulties affect you.

To be with someone moody, however much you know they have good reasons to be, is hard work and unnerving. You never know where you stand and never know if you are saying/doing the right thing, so yes, it is natural to shy away in these circumstances. Good friends show empathy to those who go through hard time, but those who are faced with emotional upheaval also have the responsibility to open up and explain why you feel the way you do and explain that when you get moody, it really isn't because they do anything to upset you.

I think my mindset is at fault too, other people will always have more than me and I need to deal with what I have. It's just so hard

Your mindset is at fault, but not for thinking that others will always have more than you. There are people there who would love to have your health, freedom, ability to study etc... You feel the way you do because you are focused on these friends who have more than you. Why not go and volunteer for some associations/organisations that help those who have even less than you? Maybe that would help to realise that everything is relative. We can all compare ourselves to those who have more than us or less than us.

GlowingShadows

I do actually volunteer at a nursing home on a weekly basis. A lot of the residents have had what I consider to be a full life, whereas I know that my siblings never had that opportunity. I agree that I have a lot as an individual, I see that everyday relatively more than most because I know what I'm getting to do my siblings won't be able to do. I find you've been a little bit hasty about perspective, I know I have much to be grateful for, as its in stark contrast to what my siblings have. Anyone who has a family would tell you, that they'd rather be the one suffering than their siblings if they were given the option to swap. It kills you inside to think about all the things they'd miss out on.
Regarding my friends, I know I've expected too much from them. They do have an idea of my home life, and know its ongoing.