Informing Non Resident Parent Of Possible Medical Diagnosis

fishybusiness

They are like two peas in a pod RAS, I'm sure her ex will work it out.

All said, I don't think that will cause any problems, as long as dad and daughter get along.

duchy

Two entirely separate issues

Mum's medical conditions are her business and none of his. Plenty of adults don't bother with an autism diagnosis as there is so little support or they don't want to be labelled.

Daughter's- Yes he should be told-once there is something to tell -like a confirmed diagnosis -at 10 the daughter doesn't get to decide. She spends time in his home so he needs to be fully informed.

fishybusiness

Plenty of adults don't bother with an autism diagnosis as there is so little support or they don't want to be labelled.

Indeed, and my partner has only just started receiving support after many misdiagnosis and 2 years ago the correct diagnosis.

Daughter's- Yes he should be told-once there is something to tell -like a confirmed diagnosis -at 10 the daughter doesn't get to decide. She spends time in his home so he needs to be fully informed.

That is my partners view too, we have talked this afternoon some more and I think moving towards a 'wait until final outcome' time. She also believes her daughter has a say, which I do too, but am not sure how much influence she should have at her age.......

I'm concerned about the loss of trust in not telling dad sooner, as we do keep him up to date with anything that is happening.

The fully informed part - yes that is a good point, and one which we had not fully considered for the future, thank you for that.

TBagpuss

Be aware that if dad has PR he is perfectly entitled to contact the school / doctors directly.

Failing to keep him informed now may mean that he is less likely to trust mum in future.

Why is your step daughter unwilling for her dad to know she is being assessed? Is she unhappy about anyone knowing, or does she have a specific concern?

Unless she has a very specific worry, then it is appropriate to let dad know what is happening. It's also somewhat unfair to put daughter in a position where she is being asked to make that decision. It is a parenting decision and should be made by her parents.

IF mum and dad are not good at communicating then mum could simply send a very short letter saying something along the lines of

"Thisis just to let you know that on school's recommendation, [daughter] is currently being assessed by [ed pych, or whoever is actually doing the assessment]. This is because the school thinks she may be on the autistic spectrum The assessment should be completed by [date] and I will send you a copy of the report when I have it. If you would like further information about the assessment process please speak to [daughter's school] directly"

That way, it makes clear that this is something the school is looking into , and it distances it a little from mum so it is not an issue of her dong something without dad's input, or of her making decisions without her.

Where communication is bad it is often helpful to have things such as medical or educational information given to the NRP directly by the professional concerned - they may be much more willing to accept the information if it isn't coming from the RP, and it gives them the opportunity to ask their own questions, and is reassuring as it makes clear that nothing is being hidden or manipulated.

TBagpuss

Just to add - I think not telling dad is likely to make things much worse in the longer term. Dad may well feel (with complete justification) that he is being excluded from his daughter's life and denied information about her.

If the investigation was in relation to a physical issue would you, or would mum, think you could justifiably hide the information from child's dad?

Lunar_Eclipse

Really great suggestion from Bagpuss about how to inform dad, to discuss with your wife.

You could add a sentence about daughter not keen to share this news until completion of the assessment process, but you feel it's important he is kept in the loop, but to please be discrete with this knowledge.

Redacted

I find it useful to consider how I would feel if the boot was on the other foot in moral dilemmas such as these. How would your partner feel if she found she'd been kept in the dark by dad about something like this in their daughters life? I would let that be my guide.

fishybusiness

Why is your step daughter unwilling for her dad to know she is being assessed? Is she unhappy about anyone knowing, or does she have a specific concern?

She says until it is complete she would like only mum and I to know, she describes it as our house people only. She can't or won't explain any more than that so we haven't pushed it further.

Dad does have school contact for parents evening feedback, although I am unsure about the assessment position - school have helped and I don't know their position on talking to dad about it. I'm going to find out after half term.

It's also somewhat unfair to put daughter in a position where she is being asked to make that decision. It is a parenting decision and should be made by her parents.

Maybe that came across in the wrong way, we asked her opinion, as we feel it a sensitive subject, but she knows she isn't the decision maker.

I like the letter idea, I had thought about talking to dad, perhaps following up with a letter from mum in the way you describe Bagpuss. We have had considerable input from school, and they have noticed many quirks of behaviour and have been incredibly proactive and helpful.

I am going to ask my partner to read this thread today, maybe it will help us move forward.

Fosterdog

My OH is a non resident parent and I know he would want to know if it was one of his, in fact his ex has kept very important things from him in the past relating to the kids' medical and educational needs and it has caused arguments when he finds out later.

Saying that I have a brother with aspergers and I know how difficult it is for him when it comes to things like this so the daughters wishes should be taken into account.

If it were me I think I would go along the lines of, if she is going to stay with dad with him as her caregiver before diagnosis he absolutely needs to be told before she goes, what if she has any sort of meltdown or symptoms get worse when she is with him?

If he is not going to have physical contact and only things like FaceTime before diagnosis and you are expecting an answer within the next say 2-3 weeks I would hold off for now and wait until you have the answer.

Then if it turns out she doesn't have it there is no problem, if she does you need to find the best way of telling him without him feeling like it's been kept from him, maybe along the lines of it moved so quickly you were told the school suspected something on the Monday and had the assessment and answers by the Friday.

bluenoseam

Redacted wrote: »

I find it useful to consider how I would feel if the boot was on the other foot in moral dilemmas such as these. How would your partner feel if she found she'd been kept in the dark by dad about something like this in their daughters life? I would let that be my guide.

Unfortunately for some people they cannot do this as their proximity to a situation doesn't allow them to see competing sides of the story in equal light. (Perfectly natural for what it's worth)

I think the OP's the one who's trying his damnedest to play devils advocate here & try to get the point across, something I suppose he's done to an extent. What I've seen here are several well thought out & well reasoned points mostly telling him what he already suspected in his own mind.