Feeling Alone - worried about the future

Tammykitty

Hi everyone,


Long time viewer, but just signed up today, looking for suggestions on how to improve my life and my finances.


Bit of background, I am married 5 years (happily), but over the last 6 months life has got difficult elsewhere.


My husband's mother died, myself and my Dad had a cancer scare (both all clear - thankfully).


Financially, I took a new job just over a year ago, to improve my quality of life, it came with a significant pay cut which I thought we could afford, but then husband was made redundant (no redundancy pay as not employed for long enough) and out of work for 3 months, so money has been tight, things are beginning to get back to normal now though and he is getting a lot of work again.
I prepare a budget, but don't keep to it, and have been using up the savings.


All these things have been getting me down, and I am feeling as if I am dealing with it all alone.
I have/had a good circle of friends, but it has been annoying me that very few of my friends gave us a mass card/sympathy card for my MIL or came to visit my husband to pay their respects or didn't mention it when they seen my husband again. (The funeral was over an hour away so didn't expect people to come to it) - although I know people find death hard to deal with and don't know what to say etc.


All these things have made me realize that the only people in my life that really care are my parents (and my husband of course). but my parents won't be around forever, and then it will just be me and my husband.


I have taken up a few new hobbies, and made an effort to keep in touch with old friends and new friends but find myself getting resentful, when they don't return the effort, as understandably they have other things going on in their lives too. I then finish up tiring myself out, as I am doing to much stuff, and not getting time to relax.


I don't really know what advice or responses I am looking for but just felt a need to post this, its actually helped writing it down.

arbrighton

I think you have to let go of the resentment (i know, easier said than done) as it will poison things. If effort isn't returned, they are not good friends. Don't wear yourself out over them. Prioritise yourself and things you enjoy

Stick to the budget- it will be hard but the stress and struggle will be harder.

fairy_lights

I don't think you should assume that people don't care just because they didn't send a card, it's difficult to know how to respond when someone dies and if your friends didn't know your husbands mother then they might not have thought it was appropriate or necessary.

Baby_Angel

Having a lot of close/extended family or friends does not guarantee happiness. They can sometimes cause you more grief than happiness. Friends can be busy themselves and may not intend to ignore you purposefully.

I had an episode of anxiety/depressed feeling last year. I even told the GP that there is nothing wrong with my life. Everything seems perfect but I felt really down. She pointed me to some self help sites where you can appreciate yourself. She also told me not to expect perfection in everything I do. To be kind to yourself. And this is what I aim every time I am feeling low. Being a bit kinder to myself.

I do more of the things I enjoy. Ignore ungrateful friends. There are loads of people on this forum who have bad times and how they overcome them. It is inspiring.

I try to budget but I am not harsh on myself if I go over sometimes. I have debts, mortgage etc. However I am managing them well and it is giving me a lot of confidence.

Take up hobbies where you are not reliant on some one else's involvement. Think of it as "me" time.

Flyonthewall

Tammykitty wrote: »

Financially, I took a new job just over a year ago, to improve my quality of life, it came with a significant pay cut which I thought we could afford, but then husband was made redundant (no redundancy pay as not employed for long enough) and out of work for 3 months, so money has been tight, things are beginning to get back to normal now though and he is getting a lot of work again.
I prepare a budget, but don't keep to it, and have been using up the savings.

If you are preparing a budget you need to stick to it.

I have/had a good circle of friends, but it has been annoying me that very few of my friends gave us a mass card/sympathy card for my MIL or came to visit my husband to pay their respects or didn't mention it when they seen my husband again. (The funeral was over an hour away so didn't expect people to come to it) - although I know people find death hard to deal with and don't know what to say etc.

If they are your friends not his then it doesn't surprise me that they don't send a card or go to visit your husband, why would they?

If you mention your husband and that his Mother died I'd expect them to show sympathy, ask how he's doing and how you're coping. When they see him they probably feel awkward asking how he is or showing sympathy or in any way bringing up the topic as they don't how he feels and if he'll appreciate it. They feel it's best to just act normal.

I have taken up a few new hobbies, and made an effort to keep in touch with old friends and new friends but find myself getting resentful, when they don't return the effort, as understandably they have other things going on in their lives too. I then finish up tiring myself out, as I am doing to much stuff, and not getting time to relax.

Do you give them chance to return the effort, especially if they're busy/have a lot going on? Or are you expecting too much? For example, do you think they should be getting in touch at least once a month and they feel that once every few months or a couple of times a year is enough resulting in you contacting them before they'd contact you?

It may be nice to keep in contact but perhaps sometimes you should just give it a bit longer rather than tiring yourself out and resenting others. You'll then have more spare time to relax.

It sounds like you need to create a realistic budget and make sure you stick to it, spend some time alone and with your husband relaxing and not worry so much about keeping in contact with everyone constantly.

SandC

I agree with the others OP. I'm sure your friends would have been there for you had the bereavement been on your side rather than your husband's, although I agree a card from at least one or two would have been thoughtful. Don't feel like you won't have them around when it really counts though (although experience tells me it's often the ones you least expect that end up being a complete rock in bad times).

You've been through a series of things that would make anyone feel overwhelmed so please be kind to yourself. Often someone only sits and thinks what a friend has been going through when they find themselves dealing with a load of stuff and they suddenly think 'oh heck, xxx went through all this .... I should have picked up the phone to them'. Organising 'stuff' clearly isn't working so well as you have found, life takes over. Why not just think about yourself, your hubby and parents right now and see how you feel in a couple of months, I truly believe things go in stages when it comes to friends, and quality time with them.... keep them there but don't make all the effort.

TBagpuss

It sounds as though you have been hit by a number of idfferent issues all in quick sucessession, and are feeling the strain. As you husband has sufered both the loss of him mum and the loss of his job it may well be that he has been relying on you to support him emotionally much more than usual just recently, and that is hard work.

I don't think that the fact people didn't send cards for your MiL means that they don't care. It's not a universal custom, and I think that as it is your MiL who died, your firneds may have felt that it wasnt appropriate for them to send cards if they were not particualrly close to your husband and/or didn't know your MiL.

Not making efforts - I think this is a trickier one - if it is a long term pattern then yes, it does suggest not that they don't care about you but that the friendship is less importnat to them than to you. Short term it may be that they are very busy and it is part of the ebb and flow of the friendship.

It's also worth considering whether they may be feeling awkward or uncomfortable - knowing about the loss you've sufered and about your financial issues die to your husband's job loss.

Have you spoken to any of your friends about how you feel? It is very easy for people to slip into habits / patterns of behaviour. If you have been the onbe reaching out then from your friend's perspective it may feel as though things are OK - they see you and spend time together, they are pleased to hear from you and up for meeting up - it would not surprise me to learn that they haven't noticed that you are the one to organise things.

Also, have you talked to your husband? there are things he could support you in - helping to work out a budget that works, and helping each other to keep to it, discussing how you feele about your firneds, and perhaos helping you to plan ways of spending more time with friends without wearing yourself out.

Is it possible that you may be suffering from depression? It might be worth seeing your GP.

KiKi

Hiya - I had to respond as I know what this feels like, when you're frustrated that friends don't reciprocate in the way you'd like them to.

Of course, there will be one school of thought that says "those people aren't your friends", but I don't subscribe to that, necessarily!

What I've learnt in the last couple of years is that people are just busy with life. None of my friends are intentionally leaving me out or not getting in touch - they're just busy with kids / work / life, and they are just getting through each day, like me. Yes, I might be more thoughtful in contacting them if I know they're ill, and yes they may not do it back. But it's not because they don't love me, they're just less thoughtful or they're just busy! It's not an indication of not loving / caring for me.

What I have learned is that when I was feeling very alone and resentful, I've had to reach out and make the effort - and slowly but surely more people do notice and make the effort back - but it's really taken quite some time.

The other thing I've learnt is that people aren't mind readers, and although you might expect them to realise you're hurt that they weren't in contact when your MIL died, they probably don't. So your resentment builds up to something it perhaps doesn't need to, when actually all you need to do is talk to them about it. Feeling alone or un-reciprocated or isolated is hard, but if your friends don't notice / realise how you're feeling, you could also reach out and tell them that so they know. I've also learnt to do this, and when I've explained how I'm feeling I have had a very different response.

Again, I know some people will say "but you shouldn't have to tell them - they should just know!" But that's just not reality for many - your friends may have their own struggles that you know nothing about it, and are busy trying to deal with that rather than realising they've not been in touch with you, or realising that you're feeling uncared for. If you don't say anything to them (and it doesn't have to be everyone, perhaps just a couple of good friends - something along the lines of "I just found it very hard when none of our friends made contact when MIL died"), then the resentment really will build, and you end up feeling more alone; it gets to be a vicious circle.

Just my learning, though - and I feel much better for having told people, and definitely continuing to make an effort and seeing that people have started to respond.

Hope you feel better about things soon
KiKi

Tammykitty

Thankyou everyone, have taken everything you said on board.


A lot of it probably stems to me supporting my husband, and not wanting to burden him with my problems, whereas I normally would.


I am going to take a bit of time out and relax more, do things I enjoy for me and try to let go of the resentment.


I have also deleted facebook for a while.


We are looking at booking a holiday for later in the year, so that should give me something to look forward too.


Hopefully in a few months everything will look better

firebird082

Tammykitty wrote: »

I have also deleted facebook for a while.

Good idea - I find that when I am going through a down period, facebook just makes me feel worse about myself, so better just to stay away from it.

Sometimes you'll find that just making some plans to deal with what you think is a problem makes you feel better almost immediately - well done for making that step!

LameWolf

Hi Tammykitty I didn't want to read and run.
You sound to me as if you might be suffering depression - not surprising when you think of what life has thrown at you and DH recently.

Fwiw, it'd probably not occur to me to send a card if someone lost a close family member; just not something that my family ever did. Just a thought.

Like you, I worry greatly about the future - I have only my DH in the world; I'm disabled and he's my sole carer, and he's also 10 years older than me. All we can do is take a day at a time and try not to think too far ahead (yeah, easier said than done).
All the worse tonight since he's just called me to say he doesn't know when he'll be home as he's had an accident on the way home from work and is waiting for the RAC to rescue him!:eek:

What I will say is if you're eating up the savings, do please try to stick to your budget. Is it a realistic budget, or are you paring yourself down too much, and that's why you're not sticking to it?

Hang in there, hopefully there's light at the end of the tunnel.