Is this sexual harassment?

duchy

Just shut him down.

Keep your distance and make sure you are never alone with him and have no private communication with him. Having a quiet word (eg a private one to one conversation) isn't giving the message you want to give)

If you go to HR at this point you'll not do yourself any good- Not because you did anything wrong but because you are the new person and he has a good reputation (as far as you know) within the company. There was poor judgement on both sides but it'd be your word against his as to whether you encouraged the kiss or not. (Could he have thought you asking for his help was a ploy ? Could he have thought the flirting meant more and thought you were just being coy backing off? The male ego sometimes clouds commonsense after all.)

Just treat him as you would any other fifty something married man - and don't flirt with your colleagues - unless you mean it. It makes you look flighty (especially as you are married) and unprofessional. Be polite, distant and slightly chilly with him - He'll soon get the message.

sgun

Its not sexual harassment as he isn't harassing you. The kiss was deliberate but the meeting in the office was by chance, its not like he had been following you around. However, you need to speak to him and make it clear that you are not interested and that in your opinion you both made an error of judgement possibly due to alcohol. You also need to make it absolutely clear that it will never happen again and that you welcome a professional relationship but no more.


Do not speak to HR, this is at present a minor incident that you can deal with yourself. HR is not there to help you, it is there to protect the company. Just because this man is in another department it does not mean that HR wouldn't see this in a poor light. You don't want a marker in your personnel file.


It doesn't sound like he will pursue this but if he does send any more personal messages or emails after you have spoken to him (not ones just work related) then you would have to go to HR but beware it does not often end well with your word against his. Lucky you have an understanding husband!

DUTR

sgun wrote: »

Its not sexual harassment as he isn't harassing you. The kiss was deliberate but the meeting in the office was by chance, its not like he had been following you around. However, you need to speak to him and make it clear that you are not interested and that in your opinion you both made an error of judgement possibly due to alcohol. You also need to make it absolutely clear that it will never happen again and that you welcome a professional relationship but no more.


Do not speak to HR, this is at present a minor incident that you can deal with yourself. HR is not there to help you, it is there to protect the company. Just because this man is in another department it does not mean that HR wouldn't see this in a poor light. You don't want a marker in your personnel file.


It doesn't sound like he will pursue this but if he does send any more personal messages or emails after you have spoken to him (not ones just work related) then you would have to go to HR but beware it does not often end well with your word against his. Lucky you have an understanding husband!

Especially as the OP is still on probabtion at the company.

Vectis

'Is this sexual harassment?'

I have to ask, sexual harassment against him or you? Before you, or anyone else, takes offence we should remember that you sent him flirty messages on social media (which, if we're being honest, he has probably saved) and which you later apologised for. How did he even get your details? Did you give them to him?

You also kissed him at work (yes, you told us it was him who kissed you but, unfortunately, that's just your word against his and, given the messages you sent previously, it's not a huge leap to believe that the kiss was a mutual thing or that you even instigated it). Again, don't take offence please, I'm simply playing devil's advocate here.

If necessary, tell him firmly that there's nothing between you and keep your distance and him to keep his too. I wouldn't go running to your HR department either as it's quite likely to backfire on you as everything you've said here could be taken either way - plus he has a good reputation (up until now) and you are the new girl.

You've done something silly (as has he) but sexual harassment? No, I don't think so, not from what you've said here.

SomeRandomGuy

As you describe it the kiss scenario does sound quite intimidating and I don't think that is an appropriate way for anyone to behave really.

I don't think your previous behaviour justifies his unwanted advance either - to say it does leads down a very slippery path in my view. Just because you flirted previously doesn't somehow mean you consent to this kiss at a later date, especially as you 'shut him down' previously. Sexual harassment is defined as an unwanted sexual advances then I think yes this is harassment.

However as others have suggested it is effectively your word against his and if he has a record of your 'suggestive messages' things could get complicated if you go raising a grievance especially as you are new to the company.

I think you need to make a very clear statement to him, preferably in recordable way. Tell him things have got out of hand, the kiss was totally inappropriate and you do not wish to have anything other than a professional working relationship with him.

Kynthia

You were a little naive but at 23 you are expected to make mistakes and learn from them. You aren't born knowing how to navigate these kind of difficulties. In future don't let a guy buy you drinks, although a manager treating lots of staff is different to a male manager just buying you some. Very few work colleagues should have your personal phone number and be friends with you on social media, and you shouldn't get very drunk with colleagues you don't know well yet (if at all but I know not every work place is the same).

However he is old enough to know better and as a manager is in a position of authority which means he should be extra careful. Instead he has behaved very badly and your flirty messages weeks ago don't excuse him. You already told him you weren't interested yet weeks after no contact he corners you at work and kisses you despite being senior to you, married and twice your age. Yes it's sexual harassment but if you can deal with it yourself then it's best, especially as you don't have evidence or witnesses.

So I suggest you email him and firmly tell him that you were very upset that he cornered you and kissed you in the office. That you are not interested and are there to work. Plus that you've told your husband (so that he doesn't think he has a hold over you because it's a secret) and that you don't want him to contact you outside of work or have any non-work related contact. This way you have it in writing should you need it, and then remove any social media connections you have with him.

HR is a last resort as although sometimes they help in other cases they protect the business which could be at your expense. try them if he won't back off and you can prove this while behaving in a way that you can't be accused of anything yourself. Until you've worked somewhere two years you have less protection from being dismissed, and although that is meant to exclude protected characteristics such as your gender you would again need to prove that was why they fired you.

TBagpuss

It is definitely inappropriate behaviour and it is sexual harassment. In fact, since he kissed you againsts your will and without your consent it is technically sexual assault.

The issue is how you want to address it, going forward.

You can report it to HR. As others say, there is then the issue of your word against his.

If you ecide not to report it, then I'd suggest that you e-mail him (so there is a paper trail) Forward the mail to your own personal e-mail account so you don't have to be able to acess the firm's system to get it.

State that you are not interested in any kind of relationship with him, that you do not wish to be subjected to any kind of flirty or sexual comments and that going forward, he needs to limit his comments and interaction with you to strictly professional matters. State that you are aware that you were both over-familair with the other at the party, but that you made absolutely clear to him the following day that you were not interested in any relationship or in any further non-work related friendship or association.

Say specifcally that on [date] he approached you and kissed you, in the office, without your consent and that you consider this to be a sexual assault which you reserve the right to report in the event that there is any further inappropriate behaviour or harassment.

Then block him on all social media.

Personally, I probably would report him. Jpoking nad even flirting at a party are on thing, but his response to you telling him you were married and not interested in him was to come make with more sexual comments, his response to you being unhappy at work was to take you to an isolated area, check for watchers and kiss you without checking to see if you had any interest in him. At the lowest, he was exceptionally unprofessional and showed a worrying lack of boundaries. Add in the fdiference in your ages, seniority and status in the company and it starts to look pretty predatory.

Andypandyboy

Once reported Pandora is out of the box.

If you can deal with it without involving the firm that is what I would advise at this stage.

In your shoes and with your husband being aware of the situation I would consider asking him to send a note to the chap.

Along the lines of "we both know there was banter at and following x event which was inappropriate, but I understand that following that my wife made it clear to you that she considered it to be have been an error of judgement on both your parts and that nothing like that would ever happen again. You were told that the relationship between you was purely professional. My wife was of the opinion you had understood and accepted that. Therefore, she was horrified when (detail the incident) occurred on x date.

We have discussed this and we both consider that you acted very inappropriately. At this stage we are in agreement that she will not report this to HR, however, please note that if there is ever a repeat of any kind of behaviour of this nature or any other which my wife feels is inappropriate then that will be the first action she takes.

I think that such a letter would take the wind out of his sails twofold; he knows she has told her husband (you can bet he hasn't told his wife!) and secondly, he knows that she has support and backing to take it further. He will see a united front and a mature response from a united couple. He will also know the incident is documented and would resurface if anything further happened. Unless he is exceptionally stupid he will stop his behaviour now.

Guest101

Just to put into perspective the guy is likely to reply with going straight to HR, saying he is being black mailed by this new girl, there was no kiss, she was infatuated with an older man. He was a bit unwise with a few flirty messages, but has now rejected her and she is making up allegations in order to damage his life.


She gets sacked.

Andypandyboy

Guest101 wrote: »

Just to put into perspective the guy is likely to reply with going straight to HR, saying he is being black mailed by this new girl, there was no kiss, she was infatuated with an older man. He was a bit unwise with a few flirty messages, but has now rejected her and she is making up allegations in order to damage his life.


She gets sacked.

If I were in HR I would ask myself what she has to gain? You have shown it to be nothing, she has no empoyment protection, he on the other hand, does.

You are right it could go either way, but she cannot let that affect her decision to stop this chap in his tracks.

They both behaved stupidly, but he has taken it to another level, as someone said, technically it was a sexual assault.