Is this sexual harassment?

Fran90071

Hi all, I'm new here but really need advice.

I am 23 and relatively new to my job (started 4 months ago). I confided in my colleague about this situation (we are good friends and started work at the same time) because I was worried about this situation getting out of control. He says it might be sexual harassment but I'm not sure. Either way, I don't want to get a bad reputation in my new job!

I went out for drinks for a colleague's birthday and was a little nervous as I'd just started working there, but got chatting to an older guy who is a manager. He was being a bit flirty but he has a good reputation at work - everyone thinks he's a nice guy and that's what I thought. Although there were a few naughty jokes shared between us, I didn't feel uncomfortable because we're both married and he's nearly 50. He bought me a few drinks and we chatted for ages - I feel so naive looking back!

When I went home that night, I saw I had a few messages from him on a social networking site that were a bit suggestive. I reciprocated (drunk and stupid but no excuse!), but the next morning I realised I'd been an idiot and sent him an apology which he accepted. I made it clear that I love my husband and am not interested in him. He joked back something flirty and I shut him down immediately.

A few weeks later he sent me an email asking how I was. It seemed genuinely friendly and we had a brief chat, but no flirting on either side.

We rarely see each other at work but one day last month, I was stressing out trying to find something and he happened to walk in. He took me to where the files were kept and we were just having a friendly chat on the way back to my office, when he stopped and turned around. He looked to see if anyone else was around and kissed me. I was completely taken aback and pulled away. I felt quite intimidated to be honest, like I was cornered. But I also blame myself for what happened because I was very friendly when we first met. What should I do?

Poppie68

I my opinion it's not at the stage of sexual harassment but if left unchecked who knows were it will lead.....Tell him straight to back off, have no direct contact with him and he will soon get the message... If it continues you need to speak to HR.

Guest101

Is he your manager? Or in anyway involved in your hierarchy?

Outside of that there's obviously issues with your marriage to consider. Like would he show messages to your husband?

Fran90071

He's not my manager, he's part of a different department. So in no way part of my hierarchy.

I told my husband about all this. Harmless flirting isn't an issue for us in our marriage, but I was a complete idiot and shouldn't have replied to his messages.

daytona0

We all get drunk and flirt with other people/act stupidly! That's understandable, if not slightly disrespectful to your other half (but it is forgiven). But for a 50 year old married man to kiss a 23 year old married girl whilst (presumably) sober in a place of work is really bad....

It is a really tough position to be in because if he has any influence over others then the others will back him up over you. So you could end up out of a job.

Then again, assuming you haven't been leading him on, he shouldn't treat you like that!

Not being a girl I have no idea what I'd do, but that guy is a vile creep. Bear that in mind if you have a slither of doubt about your 'feelings' towards him. Just think about his poor wife and put yourself in her shoes... You aren't anything more than just a piece of meat for the guy.

I would say that it was sexual harassment BUT I have no idea how it would pan out if you reported it, and it may be best to simply ignore it and completely disassociate yourself from him. Personally I would straight away be on reed.com trying to find a new job.

Good luck with whatever you choose

Fran90071

I don't have any feelings towards him, I thought he was a nice guy and we had both made a mistake with drunken flirting! I thought that was mutual, and he would have no reason to be interested in me.

As I said, we rarely see each other at work, but when we do I've done nothing but remain professional.

Poppie68

The messages are a good point, remember though he is married as well. Corner him somewhere public but somewhere where nobody can hear....Tell him that it's all got out of hand and that your husband and his wife would obviously not be very pleased if it allcame out, overtalk him if need be dont let him say too much.... Try and build your confidence up as he may think your a bit of a pushover.

xapprenticex

im not a 'white night' so ill just get to the point, why people get drunk with colleagues is beyond me, I'm sure everyone who does it has their reasons. From the looks of it, you was as stupid as he was on the night which you seem to acknowledge and want to put right, fair enough. You need to speak to HR instead of waiting for it to happen again.

You should also reflect on your own actions and avoid doing it in future, like getting drunk with colleagues and why on earth does he have your number? THe only number he needs is the one that rings on your desk at work.

I cant believe him kissing you is not sexual harassment though

BobQ

Next time you see him ask for a quiet word somewhere where others can see but not hear.

Explain that the flirting meant nothing, it was just friendly banter, but that when he kissed you were shocked but is best forgotten. Tell him it is best that you both behave more professionally if you meet and forget what happened.

If he still starts to seek you out at work, or makes any suggestive remarks etc, have a quiet word with his boss or HR. I think you have been a little naïve but he should know better.

BobQ

Fran90071 wrote: »

I don't have any feelings towards him, I thought he was a nice guy and we had both made a mistake with drunken flirting! I thought that was mutual, and he would have no reason to be interested in me.

As I said, we rarely see each other at work, but when we do I've done nothing but remain professional.

If you really are in Crewe you risk indicating who this is about given the retails in the initial post about start date, ages, birthday event, marital status, use of social media, plus the events described?

xapprenticex

I doubt it

she may not work in crewe, only live there. many people had the same start dates im sure, many had bdays , many are married and many use social media.

Now if she said i work for a car dealership in crewe and we went out on a friends 35th birthday... and the old perv asked her to jump in his BMW then you'd have more of a case there.

just my opinion though